Help with depressed Mum

Racheldevon

I'd agree with going to the GP - there are a range of services out there - your mum needs support to help her alongside any medication which is just addressing the symptoms not the cause or her distress as such. Her GP should be able to link her into counselling or your local IAPT service. alternatively there are usually low cost counselling services available in most towns - it might really help your mum to have someone to talk to. Also, it's worth considering contacting adult social care re an assessment of needs for them both. The GP/social care should also be able to link your mum into a carer's support group for people caring for someone with this type of issue

Mojisola

Has your Mum had a Carer's Assessment by Social Services? If not, ask for one. Her needs and health need to be looked after.

StarsHollow_2

Thanks everyone for all your advice.

Dad does know where mum is when she's at work, his memory is good enough that he remembers this. He sometimes calls me when she's at work and can tell me exactly where she is and the times she's working. The thing is, she's a nurse and at the moment she cares for a highly dependent adult their home. Dad wants the house number for where she's working in case 'something happens' but she's tried to explain that this isn't appropriate and for him to call her mobile and she'll return his messages as appropriate. I think this is reasonable.

After spending the afternoon doing some reading, I think this is early stage dementia. I remember some time ago that he mentioned feeling as though the neighbour was watching him. We just laughed at the time but looking back it was probably the started something.

Mum is going back to the GP soon to review her medication.

Can anyone think of anything I can do to help from a distance. I was debating calling mums sisters and telling them that she could do with some company. Do you think this is a good idea or should I leave her to it?

Sorry for going on, it's the only place I've been able to let some things out.

KxMx

I think it would be a good idea to contact her sisters, don't tell them as such she needs company, but go into how difficult things are and ask them if they can think of anything that can be done to make her life easier.

That way you've led them in a direction but not told them what to do.

Your poor mum probably dreads going to work, not knowing what she will find when she gets home after being tense all day checking to see if he's rung, then trapped when she does get home because as you've said she doesn't go out anymore because of the questioning.

You have my sympathy, my Grandad had physical issues and it got to the stage where everything was being done for him (by the NHS, Social services etc) and it was my Nan who as his carer we were most worried about and desperate to help.

With outside help for either, or both, you have to fight and fight for it, and constantly chase people up.

They both need help and some tablets and visits to a Memory Centre are probably not going to be enough, I am sorry to say.

meritaten

Mojisola wrote: »

I found I had to be inventive with Mum. If she wouldn't do something that would help her, I found another way to explain it to her. For instance, she would do things if she thought they were for Dad's benefit when they were really for hers.

I found the book "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James a life-saver. A lot of modern thinking is that the person has to be involved, empowered and supported in decision-making about their health care. Maybe this works with some kinds of dementia but my mother used to become distressed when we tried to get her to accept the reality of how she was behaving.

When we switched to taking the lead from where she was in her reality, she became very much happier and relaxed and a lot of the "secondary" problems like hiding things and bouts of aggression disappeared completely.

Imagine how bewildering it must be if everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong, you've forgotten something again, you've asked that five times already, what you think you did yesterday didn't happen, etc. It must be incredibly stressful.

I found the book a bit overwhelming at first and couldn't imagine how I could use it with Mum but then I started with a couple of little techniques and could see how well it worked.

OMG - this is so TRUE! we are entrenched in our own reality - for people with Alzhiemers or Dementia - there is an entirely different reality. to try to force our reality on them is cruel! we have to try to understand 'their' reality and work with that! the carers and nurses in my nans hospital did just that - and she was happy there. far happier than with family who just did not understand HER reality.

Savvy_Sue

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Would it help if she wrote down where she is, what time she will phone him and what time she will be coming home?

It's worth a try, maybe, although OP says Dad knows where she is. However, MIL leaves notes for FIL: "I have gone for coffee with my friend, I will be back at x time, there is a sandwich in the fridge for your lunch." And it doesn't seem to help, because he doesn't find the note, or forgets where it is and what it says.

Mojisola

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

It's worth a try, maybe, although OP says Dad knows where she is. However, MIL leaves notes for FIL: "I have gone for coffee with my friend, I will be back at x time, there is a sandwich in the fridge for your lunch." And it doesn't seem to help, because he doesn't find the note, or forgets where it is and what it says.

That's why we put a big whiteboard up in a prominent place. It couldn't be missed and the message got read every time Mum passed it.

seven-day-weekend

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

It's worth a try, maybe, although OP says Dad knows where she is. However, MIL leaves notes for FIL: "I have gone for coffee with my friend, I will be back at x time, there is a sandwich in the fridge for your lunch." And it doesn't seem to help, because he doesn't find the note, or forgets where it is and what it says.

It IS difficult. My sister (twenty years older than me ) had early-onset Alzheimers, like Terry Pratchett, she died about five years ago aged 75. She was worried and confused and frightened, she did not understand what was happening or where she was, and if the dementia is very far advanced I agree notes won't help.

However the OP says her dad knows where his mum has gone, he just wants phone numbers. Suggests he is very anxious about being left alone, maybe? Perhaps if there was another relative or neighbour he could call 'if something happens' when she is working or out, that might help with his anxiety. And that in itself may help with hers.

Hope this helps, although it is a very difficult position.

Mojisola

StarsHollow wrote: »

She still works but he makes this difficult for her by wanting her to phone him constantly and sulking when she can't. She doesn't go out anymore as he constantly wants to know where she is, why she's taking so long and calling her. Even if she just pops to the shop he's paranoid about where she is.

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

However the OP says her dad knows where his mum has gone, he just wants phone numbers. Suggests he is very anxious about being left alone, maybe? Perhaps if there was another relative or neighbour he could call 'if something happens' when she is working or out, that might help with his anxiety.

From talking with other people with relatives with Alzheimer's, we found what upset people was very individual and there were no blanket answers. You really have to be able to tailor the solution to the person involved.

It doesn't sound as if StarsHollow's Dad is needing help in particular situations. It could be a general anxiety about being alone or that he's losing touch with how long his wife has been out for. I found Mum in tears on a couple of occasions because she thought Dad had been out for hours and she was worried that something had happened to him when he'd really only been gone about half an hour.

The time will come when outside carers need to get involved. Like many people with dementia, Mum didn't want help because she didn't know she needed it. We worked round it by getting a cleaner/carer in (Dad used to do the hoovering because Mum had a bad back so we said he couldn't cope with it any longer), having another lady for a few hours a week (we said because she was struggling financially and the money was really helping her out) and so on. I've heard other people have someone come to the house because "he's writing a book on local history and would love to hear your stories". Find the trigger that makes the help acceptable to the person involved.

We found the carers from CrossRoads Care were brilliant. They are there for the carers so your Mum could make contact with them.

onlyroz

I think the important thing is to try not to get exasperated or irritated with the dementia sufferer - keep reminding yourself that it's not their fault. And if they say something that is wrong (with my mother-in-law she would often come out with stories from the past that were a complete fabrication) don't contradict them or argue with them. In the grand scheme of things a mis-told story is hardly a problem.

Also, when the dementia becomes more advanced certain "white lies" become acceptable if it helps to ease the mind of the sufferer. So if they've forgotton, for example, that their wife/husband has died, and they ask where they are, you can say "oh they'll be back later", because by the time "later" has come around they'll have forgotton that they ever asked. To keep constantly reminding them that their loved one is dead is just unecessarily cruel because each time is like a fresh bereavement.