Help with depressed Mum

StarsHollow_2

Hi... I'm a regular poster on here but I wanted to post without friends/family seeing as I'm after some advice from you lovely people please.

My parents have a big age gap - Mum is in her mid 50s and Dad early 80s. Lately he's become more forgetful and very controlling- probably linked to the onset of dementia which he won't admit to. It's all getting my Mum very down. She still works but he makes this difficult for her by wanting her to phone him constantly and sulking when she can't. She doesn't go out anymore as he constantly wants to know where she is, why she's taking so long and calling her. Even if she just pops to the shop he's paranoid about where she is.

This has resulted in her feeling very down and depressed. She doesn't have much of a social life and even going to work is a drama. We don't live nearby otherwise I'd spend more time with them to ease things. I don't know how I can really help other than call them regularly. I'm feeling a bit helpless and although I know my Dad possibly has some dementia, I'm starting to resent him too.

Fire_Fox

The first port of call for both is the GP, home visit if needs be.

StarsHollow_2

Fire_Fox wrote: »

The first port of call for both is the GP, home visit if needs be.

Thanks. He's been seeing a consultant about possibly memory problems and dementia but is finding it hard to admit anything so they're finding it tricky to help him.

Mum saw the GP a couple of weeks ago and talked to him about it (he's both of their GP) and he gave her antidepressants.

spaghetti_monster

Hi there,
sorry about what is happening, don't know how much specific advice I can come up with, but wanted to say that my parents went through some of the exact same things.
Dad had dementia/Alzheimer's, Mum was still working at the time and he would do exactly the same thing - call her all the time at work over the most trivial things and get quite anxious when she wasn't there. It was most definitely part of the dementia.
The other thing I found difficult to understand/deal with is that he never acknowledged or admitted he had dementia or any kind of memory problems. It's really part of the disease for many people. It was especially difficult for me to accept when the dementia wasn't so advanced - he was always so intelligent and aware, how could he not know something was wrong??
Of course, this led to a lot of irritating behaviour - at the beginning it was VERY difficult for me not to feel resentful/angry/annoyed at him.

I guess my advice would be for you and your Mum to try and be more assertive in getting help for him. If you are imagining that at some point in the future he will admit he has a problem and accept help/treatment - unfortunately I don't think that is so likely.
I also wished that my Mum had accepted more help (and sooner) with caring for my Dad.

It's also well worth calling their local branch of the Alzheimer's Society. They usually have a lot of activities/social things (I know that might be difficult to persuade your Dad to go to at this stage). My parents would often go to an Alzheimer's cafe - it was actually much more beneficial to my Mum (Dad wasn't happy doing anything by this stage) and she could socialise/chat to people in the same position.
You can also call your local branch for a chat/advice.
And of course, there's the forum which I can highly recommend for more advice:
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forum.php

Mojisola

StarsHollow wrote: »

Thanks. He's been seeing a consultant about possibly memory problems and dementia but is finding it hard to admit anything so they're finding it tricky to help him.

It's the nature of the illness that the person doesn't usually realise how much they are being changed. You don't remember that you've forgotten things!

It took me ages to convince the GP that my mother was having problems because, in a ten minute appointment, she was able to look quite normal. I wish I'd pushed harder for a referral to the Memory Clinic because she'd already lost ground by the time she went onto treatment.

The medications don't help everyone but, for many, they slow down the progress of the illness so the earlier they're started, the better.

StarsHollow_2

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

Spaghetti monster, I got a little teary reading your reply as its such a similar situation.

Mojisola- thanks apparently it's the memory clinic that he goes to, it's just a long process when he's not willing to accept help.

I'm convinced he should go to some sort of 'day centre' to socialise and perhaps give Mum a bit of space. It's going to take some convincing though.

ognum

I am sorry to hear of your mothers plight, it must be taxing and depressing.

The one thing I would say is try to look at this from your Dads perspective and it may give you and your Mum a bit more patience.

Your Dad is probably loosing his memory, your Mum is now his memory, he may not remember what she has said and needs it to be repeated, he may not remember where she has gone or when she is coming home he therefore has to ask again and again. Think of him like a child who asks Why!

for your Dad one of the key things is not to appear exasperated or be angry with him it will make him more scared and more upset and will make it worse.

I think your Mum and you should make an appointment to see his GP, talk things through and then make an appointment for the GP to visit, hopefully at home where your Dad is relaxed and comfortable.

Your GP should be the gate keeper to a lot of service and support both for your MUM and your Dad. Read around the subject, google what is available. Maybe a day centre is the right place but maybe not, it could make your Dad more confused and upset.

If you had a child with learning problems you would take time and effort to find them the right learning methods and support, your Dad is no different, someone needs to talk with him to find out the reasons for his behaviour.

hope this helps

Mojisola

StarsHollow wrote: »

Mojisola- thanks apparently it's the memory clinic that he goes to, it's just a long process when he's not willing to accept help.

I'm convinced he should go to some sort of 'day centre' to socialise and perhaps give Mum a bit of space. It's going to take some convincing though.

I found I had to be inventive with Mum. If she wouldn't do something that would help her, I found another way to explain it to her. For instance, she would do things if she thought they were for Dad's benefit when they were really for hers.

I found the book "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James a life-saver. A lot of modern thinking is that the person has to be involved, empowered and supported in decision-making about their health care. Maybe this works with some kinds of dementia but my mother used to become distressed when we tried to get her to accept the reality of how she was behaving.

When we switched to taking the lead from where she was in her reality, she became very much happier and relaxed and a lot of the "secondary" problems like hiding things and bouts of aggression disappeared completely.

Imagine how bewildering it must be if everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong, you've forgotten something again, you've asked that five times already, what you think you did yesterday didn't happen, etc. It must be incredibly stressful.

I found the book a bit overwhelming at first and couldn't imagine how I could use it with Mum but then I started with a couple of little techniques and could see how well it worked.

Fire_Fox

StarsHollow wrote: »

Thanks. He's been seeing a consultant about possibly memory problems and dementia but is finding it hard to admit anything so they're finding it tricky to help him.

Mum saw the GP a couple of weeks ago and talked to him about it (he's both of their GP) and he gave her antidepressants.

That's good. Anti depressants take a couple of weeks to kick in, oftentimes the dose needs adjusting or a different medication trying - the doctor should be seeing your mum regularly in the early weeks so do encourage her to go back and speak up about how she is feeling.

seven-day-weekend

Your dad is probably very scared about his memory loss and maybe in denial, doesn't remember where your mum is and needs her re-assurance, which is why he wants her to phone him all the time.

Would it help if she wrote down where she is, what time she will phone him and what time she will be coming home?

As for her own depression, AD's take several weeks to work - she may find she feels a lot better once they have kicked in, but as someone else has said, they may need adjusting or changing until the right drug/dosage is found.

It's very hard for both of them. Not a nice situation.

Mojisola

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Your dad is probably very scared about his memory loss and maybe in denial, doesn't remember where your mum is and needs her re-assurance, which is why he wants her to phone him all the time.

I bought a big whiteboard. Every day I put on it the day and date and any appointments. If Dad had to go out, I would write where he'd gone and the approximate time he would be home - I always added a bit in case he was late getting back.