Help with depressed Mum

Mojisola

onlyroz wrote: »

I think the important thing is to try not to get exasperated or irritated with the dementia sufferer - keep reminding yourself that it's not their fault. And if they say something that is wrong (with my mother-in-law she would often come out with stories from the past that were a complete fabrication) don't contradict them or argue with them. In the grand scheme of things a mis-told story is hardly a problem.

Also, when the dementia becomes more advanced certain "white lies" become acceptable if it helps to ease the mind of the sufferer. So if they've forgotton, for example, that their wife/husband has died, and they ask where they are, you can say "oh they'll be back later", because by the time "later" has come around they'll have forgotton that they ever asked. To keep constantly reminding them that their loved one is dead is just unecessarily cruel because each time is like a fresh bereavement.

Just like to say how important all these things are.

Dad is deteriorating mentally now and often forgets that Mum died earlier this year. He told me yesterday that she'd gone out to a quiz afternoon and would be home later.

spaghetti_monster

Lots of good advice and I too found the contented dementia book very good.

One thing that helped me to cope with my own frustration/anger/resentment was to remember that the emotions the dementia sufferer feels are very real and can end up lasting longer than the memories of facts and situations (when the dementia is more advanced)

Mojisola

spaghetti_monster wrote: »

One thing that helped me to cope with my own frustration/anger/resentment was to remember that the emotions the dementia sufferer feels are very real and can end up lasting longer than the memories of facts and situations (when the dementia is more advanced)

This was one of the most striking things I took from James' book - his image of the memory being like a book of photographs where some old photos are fading and the new photos are blank but have emotions attached to them so that the person can feel upset/angry/happy but not know why. How awful must that feel!

datcat

Having just lost my Mum who suffered from Vascular Dementia I really cannot say how helpful I found Talking point.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forum.php

It can become a very lonely place being a carer of someone with Dementia and knowing there are people who will understand and not judge you what ever you say is good.

Savvy_Sue

Mojisola wrote: »

Dad is deteriorating mentally now and often forgets that Mum died earlier this year. He told me yesterday that she'd gone out to a quiz afternoon and would be home later.

FIL often asks how my parents are, so I tell him how Mum is. Sometimes on the 3rd or 4th time of asking, he then asks after Dad, who died nearly 3 years ago now. It's really hard to know how specific I need to be, with Mum I can add a little detail about what she's been up to lately, and sometimes I can get away with 'Oh, he's fine' for Dad, but it throws me ... and when he asks if I've seen them lately ...

We've got the Dementia book. It may be time to read it. MIL probably won't, she doesn't think there's a problem whenever I suggest that they might get some help.

Mojisola

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

FIL often asks how my parents are, so I tell him how Mum is. Sometimes on the 3rd or 4th time of asking, he then asks after Dad, who died nearly 3 years ago now. It's really hard to know how specific I need to be, with Mum I can add a little detail about what she's been up to lately, and sometimes I can get away with 'Oh, he's fine' for Dad, but it throws me ... and when he asks if I've seen them lately ...

It is difficult, isn't it? I think it's probably stopping me grieving properly for Mum because I have to talk to him as if she's still around.

I found with Mum that I had to be able to slip into her reality so that I didn't sound too forced in my replies. I was able to ground myself when I came back home to my family. People who live with the person with dementia and care 24/7 must find it much more difficult.

StarsHollow_2

Thanks everyone for all these replies.

I've advised mum to give dad the phone number of their friend so that he can always contact her if needed. Hopefully it'll put his mind at ease. He's very paranoid that Mum isn't where she says she is and convinced she's having an affair, so I'm not sure how helpful it'll be but she needs to go to work.

It's clearly very early stages; my grandmother (maternal) had dementia and we had to go through what lots of you described, such as agreeing with her about things just to keep her happy (white lies).

When I'm up over Christmas I'm going to look into places he could maybe go to for an hour during the day - even if its just a coffee morning at church or something as I think part of his problem is that he doesn't do anything or get out enough. And make sure some of the family know that maybe Mum and Dad could do with some company in the evenings occasionally.