What can he do now?

Gees

Horrible question I know, but does he have proof he is the father?

Mojisola

Tiglath wrote: »

In the meantime, he has all the paper records to show her if she ever wants to see them.

In addition to the official paperwork, he could build up a Memory Box. He can put in a card for birthdays and Christmas, a postcard if he goes away somewhere, letters saying how much he misses her, etc. Add in little gifts - jewellery or other keepsakes - with a note about when he bought them.

If she gets in contact later on and has listened for years to her mother's stories, the Memory Box can show her that he has always had her in his thoughts and greatly missed not having contact with her.

Anon14

Mojisola wrote: »

In addition to the official paperwork, he could build up a Memory Box. He can put in a card for birthdays and Christmas, a postcard if he goes away somewhere, letters saying how much he misses her, etc. Add in little gifts - jewellery or other keepsakes - with a note about when he bought them.

If she gets in contact later on and has listened for years to her mother's stories, the Memory Box can show her that he has always had her in his thoughts and greatly missed not having contact with her.

He already has one, he started it years ago. If he ever has contact with her she will be in no doubt that she was never out of his thoughts......regardless of what her Mother has told her.

Anon14

Gees wrote: »

Horrible question I know, but does he have proof he is the father?

There has never been a DNA test, but you only have to see a picture of her to see that she is his Daughter!

Gees

Anon14 wrote: »

There has never been a DNA test, but you only have to see a picture of her to see that she is his Daughter!

You have some great advice from others here, and would wait until she is at least 16. It will be a life changing moment for everyone involved. I hope it goes well.

seven-day-weekend

Wait until she is sixteen and then contact her, perhaps by a FB message if a letter will not get to her.

I think he should say how very much he regrets his mistakes, how he would very much like to have a relationship with her if she is willing, that whatever happens she can always contact him at (his address) or (his mobile phone) ... and then I would leave the ball in her court.

If she does not reply,leave it six months and try again. If she still does not reply, then send her good wishes every birthday, just to leave the door open for her.

As someone who this year, in my 60s, has met my birth mother for the first time, I understand a little bit of how they both must be feeling.

I hope it goes well

sassyblue

I would say go for it. Outline in your message what you've said, all his attempts at contact and that he would love to have some form of contact with her when she's ready.

l am concerned about what someone else pointed out, the fact that her exams will be looming, however, if you put it off she could be facing exams for the next few years..... but then again she is still a child technically and l wouldn't want to put it off much longer. Tricky!

shegirl

You say she lives with her grandparents.Is that with or without her mother?

Has a reason been given from them as to why they block contact?

Could talking to them help or make it worse?

Contacting her personally,as others suggest,may be best left until she's 16,depending what she's doing.It can be a huge thing and if she doesn't remember him or has had stories told to her (as,unfortunately,a lot of these awful mothers tell) and it could cause family arguments it could cause a lot of problems that she won't be able to fully deal with at this time.

It's worth considering all the options and maybe talking to others who are or have been in a similar situation,on both sides.

None of that will make it easier for the father though and having to wait would hurt.

marisco_2

Anon14 wrote: »

He is the first to admit that he made a massive mistake when he was told that the one night stand he had with DD's Mother had resulted in pregnancy (split Condom and was told that she was going to take morning after pill). He buried his head in the sand and did not acknowledge to himself, her or any of his friends and family that she was expecting his baby, in fact he didn't tell anyone until after DD was born.....something that bitterly regrets to this day.

DD's Mother has never wanted him to have anything to do with DD, not because he is a bad person, because she wants DD all to herself.

I find your last comment above a bit strange. All through her pregnancy he didn't acknowledge this woman was carrying his baby. Suggesting he took no interest whatsoever, go along to the scans or offer any kind of support to the mother of his child. He didn't tell any member of his family that this child was due. Not the behaviour of someone who a woman would think of as being a loving, caring dad.

It is not entirely surprising then that she was extremely cautious over allowing him to have any contact with a child she was left feeling solely repsonsible for. You portray her as being selfish and wanting this child all to herself. The truth is that she had around 7 months thinking she was going to be a lone parent and would have to cope alone. That her child had a father who didn't want to know and couldn't of cared less. A position he put her in till he changed his mind. You cant be that flippant where a child is involved. All those feeling she had about him with good reason are not easily undone. Sure we all make mistakes when we are young but this error of judgement which your partner acknowledges, was most likely the catalyst for all the problems he has faced since regarding access.

At 15 his daughter would be old enough to contact him herself if she chose to. Most 15 year olds are smart enough to know how to track someone down using all manner of media and resources. The fact that she hasn't probably suggests she has her own feelings and ideas about the whole situation. If she wants to build a relationship with him then she will contact him when she is ready. Maybe now isn't the right time, considering in the next year she will be sitting her gcse exams. Right now she probably wants to focus on herself and her education and not the complications of her fractured relationship with her dad.