What can he do now?

Anon14

Usual story, regular poster posting under an AE, the reasons will be obvious if you read the rest of the post.

I'll try to give all relevant information but the situation is quite complicated and has been going on for many years.

My Partner, who have I know for over 20 years, has a 15 year old Daughter. Although he was never in a "relationship" with her Mother he is on the Birth Certificate and he does have parental responsibility. He has had no contact with his DD for nearly 9 years. He has paid maintenance through the CSA since birth.

He is the first to admit that he made a massive mistake when he was told that the one night stand he had with DD's Mother had resulted in pregnancy (split Condom and was told that she was going to take morning after pill). He buried his head in the sand and did not acknowledge to himself, her or any of his friends and family that she was expecting his baby, in fact he didn't tell anyone until after DD was born.....something that bitterly regrets to this day.

DD's Mother has never wanted him to have anything to do with DD, not because he is a bad person, because she wants DD all to herself.

Despite many requests to see his DD he had no contact with her until she was around 2 and this was after going to court where the Judge ordered contact. Everytime he has started to build a relationship with his Daughter, the Mother has found some reason to cease contact. In my opinion, silly things like being 5 minutes late or accusing his parents of ignoring her in the street. Every time she has ceased contact he has had to go through the rigmarole of Solicitors letter, court, arranging new contact orders etc etc. I've read all the Solicitors letters, court papers, CAFCASS report etc so I know that he has tried his hardest and spent thousands of pounds trying to build a relationship with his DD.

After many years of going round in circles he ran out of money, wasn't entitled the Legal Aid. He was also mentally exhausted by the constant battle. The last time she stopped contact he contacted the Police who advised him that even though he had PR and a contact order they would/could do nothing and he would have to return to court......he couldn't cope with this and that was about 9 years ago.

He knows where she lives and has tried to approach the Mother a couple of times over the years but each time has resulted in her contacting the Police to report him for harrassment......he has never been charged with this.

He has sent Xmas and Birthday cards every year only to have them returned to him or ripped up and pushed through his letterbox.

This year has been particularly bad for him as he desperately wants a relationship with her, his friends all have children her age and my DD is also 14 so its really difficult that he can't see his own DD. Final straw was her Birthday last week, I wrote the envelope so that the Mother wouldn't recognise the handwriting.......it has just been returned to him today!

I can't bare to see him like this, I love him so much and he is genuinely a good, hard-working, law-abiding person. We have been discussing trying to contact his DD directly but the only possible way, other than waiting outside of her school which I think is not the right thing to do, is to send her a Facebook message as it's potentially they only way the Mother couldn't intervene! But is this the right thing to do?

Opinions please.....

cheepskate_2

At 15, she isnt a young child, who maybe couldn't handle the problems of contacting her by facebook.
She is probably going to take her mums side/or see different sides, so he may not get the welcome he is hoping for.
At 15 she is old enough to be able to decide if she has contact .
Maybe add her as a friend, if she accepts it, and then see how the road lies with her.

Anon14

He is prepared that she will take her Mum's side, that's a risk that he is willing to take. He just wants her to know that he has always tried to make contact with her. We think that the Mum has told her that he doesn't want to know her.

I'll suggest adding her as a friend and see what he thinks.

Thanks

**Patty**

I would try sending a message first, rather than a friends request.

Turning up in person is almost guaranteed to freak her out though

Anon14

That's why he has never done it! I just thought that someone might suggest it so wanted to say that's not on the agenda.

The only other issue/problem is that her Mum must have blocked him on DD's Facebrook profile as he can't even search for her on there......I can search from my profile though.....

**Patty**

Set up a mulitple profile then

clearingout

you make a lot of assumptions about a woman you don't know.

I won't go into the details, but I know what it is to be rejected when pregnant and I also know how awful it is to have your baby rejected on top of that. 15 years is a long time to hold a grudge, that much I realise, but the impact of that rejection will be very deeply felt and will more than likely last a lifetime. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but I think your partner needs to understand the impact of his actions and ultimately, of how it could possibly feel to be a child who was very much rejected by a parent (even if for a short time).

I would suggest contacting via facebook and keep the lines of communication open, even if no response or a negative response. At the same time, I would be wary of distressing her whilst she's in her final years at school as they are important- just make it clear he's aorund if she wants to see him. If he moves, changes phone number or anything, let her know and leave it at that.

I do hope he's able to work things out with his daughter and she is able to deal with her emotions better than her mother has.

Anon14

clearingout wrote: »

you make a lot of assumptions about a woman you don't know.

I won't go into the details, but I know what it is to be rejected when pregnant and I also know how awful it is to have your baby rejected on top of that. 15 years is a long time to hold a grudge, that much I realise, but the impact of that rejection will be very deeply felt and will more than likely last a lifetime. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but I think your partner needs to understand the impact of his actions and ultimately, of how it could possibly feel to be a child who was very much rejected by a parent (even if for a short time).

I would suggest contacting via facebook and keep the lines of communication open, even if no response or a negative response. At the same time, I would be wary of distressing her whilst she's in her final years at school as they are important- just make it clear he's aorund if she wants to see him. If he moves, changes phone number or anything, let her know and leave it at that.

I do hope he's able to work things out with his daughter and she is able to deal with her emotions better than her mother has.

You're right, I don't know her but OH does and so does all his friends, so there is a little more to the story than I have explained. I can even empathise with her to a degree as , in some weird twist of fate a very similar thing happened to me when I had my DD, her Father left and, although he was present at the Birth, he disappeared for a long time and then had to take me to court to get access. So I can understand some of what she went through. What I can't comprehend is WHY for all this time, why she would not want her DD to have a Father?

He very much understands the impact of what he did and he has spent the last 15 years paying for it. But this is not about him and her now.....it's about a child having a Father in her life.

clearingout

she is no longer a child though, is she? not really....she's at a very critical stage in her life. I won't pretend to understand - but I do know that a bitter mum who is determined to cause problems may cause an incredible amount of harm if she wants to.

He needs to tread carefully. And be very prepared for rejection.

Anon14

She is still a child in the eyes of the Law, until she is 16 her Mother effectively controls every aspect of her life.

I think he could understand her rejecting him, he just doesn't want her to think that he doesn't want to be part of her life.

shegirl

Can you be certain the mother blocked the father on the daughters profile rather than the daughter herself?