Family has owed me £1000s for almost 10 years - please help

PoorCharleyBear

Do be prepared to sever the relationship with your daughter.

I loaned more to a family member for 12 months, and it transpired she did not think the repayment terms applied to her.

We now do not speak as she thinks I am evil for wanting my money back. Sadly you only find out these things later....in future let a bank wear the pain and suffer the broken relationships. People seem to take more notice of banks chasing them.

MacMickster

borkid wrote: »

This has nothing to do with the daughter's perceptionof how well off she is compared to her mother. She agreed a loan and a repayment schedule which she didn't stick to. I have 2 adult children and have lent money and gifted money to both. The loaned money is always paid back and on one occassion my son was short one month asked if he could have a holiday payment. Now we just gift them the money because we can afford to but it does mean they feel embarrassed about asking although I think I am finally getting through to them its an early inheritance.

Borkid. Your relationship with your children is clearly one which we all hope that we will have, and I am certain that the OP was expecting her daughter to have the same views.

The fact that your children feel embarassed by asking for your help financially shows that they respect the fact that you have worked hard to put yourself in a position where you are financially secure and so able to help out your family.

Some people have questioned whether the OP should "risk" her relationship with her daughter by pursuing this debt. As a parent, you love your children, but part of that love means that whilst they are growing up you teach them to respect you, others and to know right from wrong. Young children will push the boundaries, and often resent being disciplined and so throw a strop.

You always hope that by the time that your children become adults, these lessons will have been learned. Sadly, in the OP's case, it appears that her daughter requires one further lesson. The OP should not shy away from taking the action that she already knows is necessary. She is not fortunate enough to be in the financial position where she can just write this money off.

A relationship based on emotional blackmail is one that must be either changed or (sadly) abandoned. It is clear from the OPs posts that her relationship with her daughter is already breaking down as a result of this issue. Pursuing the debt through legal avenues may well bring about the end of the relationship all together. On the other hand however, once the elephant in the room has been removed, and given time, the OP may find that she is able to recommence a stronger relationship with her daughter based on love and respect rather than on financial ties.

OP. I feel for you having to go through this. I know that you will do the right/necessary thing, and hope for both your sakes that your daughter eventually does likewise.

Voyager2002

A first thought: has the son been asked to mediate?

I think the essential problem is that the daughter does not understand money and does not know how to manage expenditure. She almost certainly believes that she is poor, living on the absolute breadline, not coping, and so expects her mother to help out. The OP (her mother) can see that the daughter is spending money unnecessarily and has a higher standard of living than the mother, and wants and needs repayment of what was always understood to be a loan.

A good solution would involve the daughter seeking help with controlling her expenditure and managing her money (perhaps on the DFW branch of this forum). It is sad that knowledge of her own mother's financial need is not motivating her to take this kind of action, but it sounds as if she remains a child in many ways. Of course she might well receive the necessary motivation by receiving court papers and seeing that her house is threatened, but as others have pointed out that could well mean a complete break-down of family relationships. Furthermore, child-like emotions might well come to the fore and limit her capacity to make sensible decisions.

Note that the courts operate a mediation service, so this might offer some kind of solution.

pmlindyloo

Without going into the problems of loaning money to family and the probable breakdown of the relationship (which has already been covered) what is it that you want to achieve?

Obviously you want the money paid back but how are you going to achieve that?

You say that there probably isn't any equity in the house so likely no joy there.

You say you are willing to go to the court but if your daughter hasn't the money to pay back then she is likely to get a CCJ and an order to pay back so much per month.

In my opinion you need to be realistic about this.

If your daughter had £10000 floating around then of course she could pay you back.

But it seems she hasn't.

I understand how you feel when she is spending money on what you consider to be extravagant things when she owes money so I think what you should be going for is a set amount per month paid by DD.

If she is refusing to speak to you about this then perhaps an old fashioned letter would help.

My suggestion would be to write and say how much you are willing to accept each month and for how long. Add that if this is not acceptable then you will be forced to take legal action. Remind her that she signed an agreement and that is legally binding.

Then hopefully she will get the message.

I suspect that this will drag on and will not be pleasant but I agree with the general opinion that she needs to pay what she owes.

I just wanted to suggest that you are realistic about the amount of money that you would get, by court action/other means.

andygb

PoorCharleyBear wrote: »

Do be prepared to sever the relationship with your daughter.

I loaned more to a family member for 12 months, and it transpired she did not think the repayment terms applied to her.

We now do not speak as she thinks I am evil for wanting my money back. Sadly you only find out these things later....in future let a bank wear the pain and suffer the broken relationships. People seem to take more notice of banks chasing them.

I totally agree with this, the OP's daughter is taking her for a ride, convinced that "mum" will not force her hand. She has been willing to accept this money, willing to see you give up part of your house, and she has totally ignored your health issues.
I am afraid that you have to look after your own interests, because the saying is true - "you can pick your friends but not your relations". The daughter is using a form of emotional blackmail, she has to be stopped ASAP.

undaunted

Do you feel - or believe that your daughter feels - you've been too much of a soft touch over this to date?

If so before resorting to letters. legal action etc I think I'd sit down with your daughter and try to talk to her - about where you are, where she is, stressing that you love her, don't want this to become an issue between you etc but that you now need (rather than merely want) this money and feel that she is living better than you are at your expense, you do not want to force the sale of the family home but are now at the point where you will have to do it if you can't find some other way forward.

If she's reasonable she'll try to address it. If she isn't or even refuses to talk to you then I'm afraid you already appear to have decided what you will need to do (go and see your solicitor again & start proceedings for a forced sale).

When that begins give your daughter a final chance to stop it - the choice is then hers.

Good luck

xylophone

I became disabled in 2008 so live on disability benefits

If you are on any means tested benefits ( I am aware that DLA is not means tested) and increase your capital through the loan repayment, what effect will this have on your income?

arcon5

If she's spending money of new furniture, luxuries etc, i'd tell her to pull her finger out or you will proceed via the legal route to recover the money and she will have to find somewhere else to live. It is not you burning bridges in this relationship - it is her for treating you with such disregard after you generously bailed her out multiple times.

dktreesea

OP, I know you are entitled to this money and only lent it to your daughter out of the goodness of your heart, to save her financially, or to cover money for the house that her then partner wouldn't cover, because he wanted his money for a business. But this is a bad economy for selling houses, and your daughter may not cooperate when potential buyers come around, so you possibly will end up completely out of pocket, as in the house may not sell for enough to cover your daughter's borrowings and what she owes you.

I think a good first step would be getting a land registry report so you can see exactly how much is owing on the property, just in case it has been remortgaged at some point, and also going onto a site like upmystreet, to see what prices similar houses in the area have achieved in recent months. At least be sure you can get the price you want before going down the track of selling up, because once you do, you might not have any hope of recovering the debt directly from your daughter, because she won't have preserving her asset as an incentive.

To me, the idea of parents charging interest on money their children borrow is a step too far. Somewhere your daughter could well have friends hearing all this and telling her that her mother sounds awful/greedy/like she values money more than flesh and blood. And that parents should gift money to their children (oh, that we could all afford to do so, ay!) instead of lending it to them. All this even though it is your money and you would like it back.

I don't feel there is a winning position for you to take in this situation regarding the interest. The principal though is a different matter. Do you know when she gets paid? Could you say to her that you want £200 repaid to you on her payday? If she pays up, fair enough. If not, just set the ball rolling to selling up the house and maybe taking a charge over the contents in case the house sale doesn't realease enough equity to pay you back. Don't say if she doesn't pay up you will be forced to take action. Just do it. That way, you can keep your own counsel and really work out for yourself if you are prepared to go down that route.

If she pays £20 a week to you, is she willing to set up a direct debit to your account? Though I would ask for £50 a week rather than £20. And paid weekly rather than monthly. Maybe if you can get the £10k back, forgoing the interest could be worth it? Yes, harder for her, but you could always point out to her that the alternative for her is to lose the house.

Maybe you could also look into an order garnisheeing her wages if she doesn't play ball and you don't want to sell up?

This isn't going to be easy, but try to be dispassionate. Give her the choices - e.g. she pays you by direct debit, £50 every week or you, with or without her cooperation, sell the house. There are benefits to her both ways. The former means she keeps a roof over her head. The latter means she loses her security blanket but is free of the debt. She's a grown woman, not a wee girl. She's quite capable of weighing up those two options and deciding for herself.

She probably thinks you wouldn't act on selling up? £10k is a lot of peace of mind, if you don't have very much. But I do think you need to decide in your own mind what are your options that you are prepared to act upon, before tackling her.

ampersand

Voyager-you cover points that occurred to me from this sorry situation, especially son's attitude, his financial nous and the brother/sister dynamic.

Is your daughter likely to have appeared 'moneyed' by virtue of the property to this latest partner? Is she somewhat beholden to him and/or influenced and swayed by him? He should be insisting that the money is repaid. Is he in ignorance of his partner's legal debt?

Also, op, is there a way for you to take your share in the house back, as a 'drop hands' solution? Can you take CAB advice on this?

xylophone's sound point about any repayment's effect on your DLA is one they'll advise on too.

'My daughter (and her partner, who is now on the mortgage but does not have a full share because of ‘pre-marital rights’) claims she has applied for a re-mortgage 7 times in order to dispense with the charge and pay me back, but in the current economic climate is repeatedly turned down due to her poor credit rating. '

There's clarification needed here: some things might be inferred.

Are other companies successfully pursuing other debts against her?
What are these 'rights'? You have seen a document or simply been told?
Your use of 'claimed' suggests you have doubts about these 7 applications. Certainly you have grounds for this. Needs more investigation.

Wishing you well in an invidious situation. Please take care of yourself.