Family Dilemma...................

Earth_Angel_2

Wonder if anyone can offer some advice as i'm in a bit of a pickle!

Its gonna be a long one and might get a bit confusing - so i apologise in advance!

I rang my sister the other day to say that we might not be able to make my nephews 18th birthday party, as hubby has to work that particular day. (he cant get anyone to cover for him, they are on skeleton staff due to staff holiday), so i suggested going down the weekend before the party. Also if we go the weekend before the party, i can take our nan with us as she wants to go. Nan doesnt want to go to the party because of the smoke and music. ( fair dues she is 91 ).
Anyway i thought i had come up with a reasonable solution by taking nan with us the weekend before - Apparently i haven't.

During this same conversation with my sis, she told me that our mum is not going to the party either and that she is not going to bother holding one as none of the family are going. (which is not strictly true)
I replied with, if they cant make it for the party then they are coming the weekend before (same weekend as us lot) but it depends on booking availablilty as they are staying down for 3 or 4 days. I also said that i wasnt too sure on what our mum had planned as i hadnt spoken to her about it.
Sis was well miffed when we came off the phone. 10 mins later, i got a call from our mum, who was really upset. My sister phoned her and told her that she's out of order not going to the party and that she doesnt want anything else to do with her, didnt give her any time to respond and hung up. They havent spoken since.

I managed to get hold of my sis at the begining of this week for a chat and she was not 100% with me, but was ok ish. She said that she'd rang mum and told her to f**k o**, to which i told her she was out of order.
I can understand that she is upset that she feels like no one is bothering with my nephew, but she hasnt taken in to consideration that we all have to travel 150 miles+ buy a pressie and pay for overnight accommadation if we go to the party.(we def cant go as hubby is working)
If none of us are bothered about my nephew, then how comes we are trying to get there the weekend before?

I rang last night to confirm that it is ok for us to go next weekend and she was very offish on the phone.
I said that hubby has been asked to work this weekend too, but he's said no as we are coming to them, she said dont bother, get him to work.
I said no, we want to come and see you all. She said dont expect any food. I said we dont. She asked who was coming, i replied me, hubby, dd,ds and nan.
she said tell mum not to bother coming. I said i'm not getting involved in any of that. i tried to change the subject back to us gong to them and said we'd sort ourselves out about dinner and stuff.
Hubby said that she is wrong to expect nan to travel all that way and not bother to feed her, then all of a sudden the line went dead. i wasnt sure if the phone had run out of battery or if she had hung up on me.
I tried phoning again twice, i text her aswell, then i rang again about 8.30 last night. My younger nephew answered the phone and said his mum was out. (which i dont believe)
When hubby came in at 10pm last night he asked if i'd heard from her and i said that i tried again and was told she was out.
He has said that he's not going next week but if i still want to go then thats up to me.
I have spoken with nan this morning and told her what has happened and she said lets not bother. She cant be arsed to get all the way there to get a frosty reception as its a long way to go.(it will take us approx 4 hours to get there)
I just feel like my sister has made an excuse for us not to go so she can believe that no one cares and get the rest of the family (my dad and aunt) to feel sorry for her and make us look bad.

I dont know what to do for the best.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

bluebell13

Oh heck! What a mess! Now everyone is upset.
What does your nephew feel about all of this? Are you normally a close family? How much notice did you have of this party? If it is a long time your husband could have booked the time off before. If it is only recent then she should not expect him to be avilable. Can you speak to your dad and see if he can intervene?

silvercar

Anywy you could go without your Hubby?

glenstan

Well fancy swearing at your mother , bet your nephew is not bothered one way or the other as long as his mates go. Thing is now that this attitude has shown itself you would probably get a frosty reception if you did go.

bloomin_freezing

glenstan wrote: »

Well fancy swearing at your mother , bet your nephew is not bothered one way or the other as long as his mates go. Thing is now that this attitude has shown itself you would probably get a frosty reception if you did go.

I agree with this post, with no disrespect meant if its his 18th he'd probably prefer to be with his mates and may be slightly embarrassed by a huge family gathering also. I'm sure he'd be happy with a card and maybe a some money as a gift in the post.

I personally would not make the trip if your sister is acting in this way, especailly dragging your poor nan!

Earth_Angel_2

Thanks for your replies so far.
In answer to bluebells question, yes we did know about 5-6 weeks ago there was going to be a party. The date never actually got confirmed til about 2 weeks ago and i was speaking to nephew on messenger, i thought it was being held the weekend we had planned to go, (work had allready accommadated this weekend). The reason i thought it was this weekend is because his birthdayday is on the monday. Never realised he was holding it the following weekend. Normally the partys are to the nearest weekend (IYSWIM - ,mon/tue weekend before, thur/fri weekend after, on a wed take your pick!)
No we are not as close as what we used to be, too many troubled waters. Sis and i have only been on speaking terms for about 18 months after nearly 4 years of not speaking, My father is still not speaking to me (too stubburn/proud to admit he was wrong ) i did try on several occaisions to talk to him but he made it clear that he didnt want to know.
Dad actually made an effort to come to my nans new house about 5 weeks ago, my sis had gone on holiday and left her 9yo and 15 yo with our nan.
I bumped into dad at nans and he saw my children for the first time in 4 years. (but thats a separate thread :rolleyes: ) I dont even know if he plans on going to the party himself. I know my aunt is going down on the day of the party but from what she says, they are leaving before it starts!
The party is being held in my BIL's local and from what aunt says nephew dont plan on arriving til after 9pm

Its one of those situations where no matter what i do i will be wrong.
To make matters worse, i have just spoken to our younger sister, and she and her family haven't even been invited. (we live10 mins away from each other)

My sister tends to be very 'hot-headed' ,also i think she likes to blame others for her own mistakes, thats why there is a lot of conflict between her and our mum, She blames mum for a lot of things that have happened in her life rather than taking responsibility for her own actions.
I love her dearly, but i am unwilling to go to the party by myself + it's too long a drive with the 2 children by myself. Also i dont want to go all that way and be ignored all night.

I understand that she is upset and is standing by her son, but the date should have been set from the very begining. Also an invite to a party is just that.......an invite
I would have thought that providing nephew has his mates there it dont really matter about the rest of us.

anguk

I sort of know how you feel, my great-neice is having a party tomorrow afternoon, I only found out the time yesterday. My OH is unable to get there until tea-time so we said we'd be there but a bit later. I've just had a voice-mail message sent to my landline (didn't know you could do that and we were in so I don't know why she didn't just ring) saying not to bother coming as no-one was going and they'll be out all day. I don't know if we've huffed her or something now and I can't get hold of her, I'm stuck because I can't drive so couldn't go anyway until OH could take me.

Queenie

Simple ... have two parties and no self respecting 18yo is going to complain about *that*!!!!

You can't change people. She's clearly planned this party in her head and has everything down to a T.

Yes, you've thrown a spanner in the works by not complying to her carefully laid plans - but someone has to be the grown up here!!!

If nephew is the issue, go as planned, ignore the frosty reception and give him a pre party party with loving family ... that way, the following weekend he'll be able to party with his mates (and mum) his own way!

Dear Lord, Nan is 91? She doesn't need this, nor does your Mum and nor do you!!!!

There are only so many hours in the day - so do what you planned. Her frosty attitude is a reflection upon *her* and not *you*!!!

bluebell13

Okay then. No definite party date, no invitation for younger sister, nan does not want to go, husband has had enough and does not want to go, sister cannot be bothered to come to the phone............ YOU DO NOT NEED THIS!
Do not go!

Send your nephew a cheerful card wishing him a happy birthday, and whatever gift you choose.

Avoid discussing it with anyone, sit down and have a large glass of wine!

nearlyrich

Blooming families LOL

I agree with bluebell13, have a glass of wine and ignore them all.

I can't believe your sis left your 91 year old nan looking after her 9 year old and went on holiday!

kr15snw

Definately dont go. I think having a aprty thats for your friends and family doesnt generally work on your 18th anyway (might just be me with that opinion).

I had a family party and then went out with a friends a few days after. Both were kept happy and I didnt complain