Moving on - right but so difficult

Lifeupsidedown

Hi

I recently posted an update - not sure if I should put in the link againhere or not (or if that's boring and repetitive?!)

My OH who I live with stayed with his ex on his brother's stag night andlied about it. I found out and he said he was hammered, it would never happenagain. Couple of weeks later, I went to visit family and wrote something on hissocial networking page and he deleted it – again, trying to act as though Idon’t exist! Really annoyed me, so something in me made me text his ex – and Idiscovered he had actually tried to go up to her flat the day after I went tovisit family. I text another number (name of a guy, but from the texts, wasdefinitely NOT a guy) and the person confirmed my OH tries to arrange phone sexfor when I’m out!! A year ago, I was suspicious of this type of thing but my OHgot so upset and reacted so convincingly that he was offended that I believedhim! I’m moving out now and after a horrible, threatening call from his mum, Ifeel so bad and can’t believe how much has been done to me and I don’t get asorry or an apology. The ex I mentioned earlier, was described to me as a“psycho” and certainly, what I was told about her made her seem like that (whywould he go back there if she was a psycho? That discredited his argumentstraight away). But speaking to her was like looking in a mirror – she’s beenthrough the exact same as me, lies and hurt and more lies. My OH isn’t reactingat all – doesn’t seem to care about me and says I will only get an explanationonce I’ve moved out and as long as I haven’t spoken to anyone else about him! I am so devastated - so down one minute and angry the next. I did keep his mum out of it, but after her abusive threatening phone call, toldher all about her little angel. Haven’t heard a word from her since so no ideawhat she thinks. It’s so NOT fair that I’ve put up with his rubbish for so long and now I think people could be speaking about ME like I’m a psycho! It’s possibly what his family are being told. The thing is, he would never havegiven me the truth – the only way I was ever going to find out was by textingthese people myself. Now I know. And I want to be alone but have no idea howI’ll trust again or how to meet people – dating sites are a bit of a no gobecause I know what a sicko he has been on them! Any advice?! Thanks forreading xxx

ca55ie

What a horrible experience. Seems like OH has serious issues, especially with the truth and is a repeat offender. You are well rid. Be brave, you have made the hardest step, confronting and acknowledging what is going on.
Personally I would concentrate on a bit of "me time" and enjoyment before looking for another relationship.
You are proving what a strong person you are - keep believing in yourself.

whitewing

I think that feeling like you won't trust anyone again is a way of protecting yourself while you process all that's happened to you. I agree that 'me time' is what you need.

You will gradually spark back into life. You'll trust again the same way that we all do...by building communication and choosing to trust and not being let down so choosing to trust a little more.

Lifeupsidedown

ca55ie wrote: »

What a horrible experience. Seems like OH has serious issues, especially with the truth and is a repeat offender. You are well rid. Be brave, you have made the hardest step, confronting and acknowledging what is going on.
Personally I would concentrate on a bit of "me time" and enjoyment before looking for another relationship.
You are proving what a strong person you are - keep believing in yourself.

Thank you - I don't feel strong though!! In a way would be easier to stay, for cuddles I've got so used to having every night. So not enough though is it? Certainly not enough to compensate for having peace of mind.

ailuro2

You deserve more than an explanation - you deserve someone who respects you , doesn't lie to you and doesn't manipoulate you - good luck with the move, even though it won't be easy it sounds like you'll be very happy without him making you worry like he has.

Coopdivi

It looks like you've got a space bar on your computer which is like mine - it doesn't alwayswork. Which is blimmin infuriating sometimes and makes things hardto read.

Fire_Fox

If you are still together one step at a time, it's too early to be worrying about how you are going to meet someone else and if you are going to trust them! :eek: It's really unhealthy and not attractive to need to be in a relationship.

End this relationship and start a new life somewhere else, forget about getting explanations from someone who is a pathological liar - you may feel you need closure to move on but you probably won't ever get to the truth. Then get some counselling or other talking therapy from your doctor or a charitable organisation.

Lifeupsidedown

Fire_Fox wrote: »

If you are still together one step at a time, it's too early to be worrying about how you are going to meet someone else and if you are going to trust them! :eek: It's really unhealthy and not attractive to need to be in a relationship.QUOTE]

Oh no I don't WANT a relationship!! At all! I want and need to be alone for aaages. I have been single most of my life and it takes a lot for me to be with someone. Sorry if I put that across in the wrong way, it's just thinking long term, and from what other people have said ("oh you'll meet someone someday"), that I feel I might have to attempt to trust again and I feel I'd be unable to do that. The thought of being with someone else right now, after what I put into that relationship, makes me feel sick!

Lifeupsidedown

ailuro2 wrote: »

You deserve more than an explanation - you deserve someone who respects you , doesn't lie to you and doesn't manipoulate you - good luck with the move, even though it won't be easy it sounds like you'll be very happy without him making you worry like he has.

Thank you. Yes, I didn't see that he manipulated me before. I think the bereavement was used as an excuse for his behaviour.

I am so torn between wanting/needing revenge and keeping it all in - I've kept it all in for so long!

Fire_Fox

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Oh no I don't WANT a relationship!! At all! I want and need to be alone for aaages. I have been single most of my life and it takes a lot for me to be with someone. Sorry if I put that across in the wrong way, it's just thinking long term, and from what other people have said ("oh you'll meet someone someday"), that I feel I might have to attempt to trust again and I feel I'd be unable to do that. The thought of being with someone else right now, after what I put into that relationship, makes me feel sick!

Then why are you mentioning dating sites with a request for advice in the very next sentence??? There really is no point in thinking or worrying about what might or might not happen in the distant future, it's something you cannot predict or control. If people are making comments that are unhelpful politely ask them to stop. Deal with now, you have enough on your plate ending this and starting a new life.

Lifeupsidedown

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Then why are you mentioning dating sites with a request for advice in the very next sentence???

And I want to be alone but have no idea howI’ll trust again or how to meet people – dating sites are a bit of a no gobecause I know what a sicko he has been on them! Any advice?!

Sorry, I thought I explained this in my reply.

Totally agree with your advice in next paragraph - thank you.