Favourtism among the grandkids

Dpmoff

It's happening in both of our family's, in my side it's the first grandchild, and in my partners family its the daughters grandchild.

We're slowly getting around it with my moms side, my sil and brother have said to my mom that unless all the grandchildren are being treated the same then their childwon't have whatever my mom is trying to give. Sil even stopped the solo sleepovers, as my mom would only have the oldest grandchild and not their sibling.

My inlaws side sees their other grandchild everyday, their daughter will have dinner there everyday,she hasn't grown up, she's on her own and relies in her moms good nature. We are a couple so we don't need the help as much as their daughter.

We visit once a week and my partner will ring in the week to catch up, the main reason is because ever since he and his sister turned 18 his parents were very much we want our space back, you need to be on your own two feet. So my partner tries not to eat too much into his mom and dads personal time.

However things have started to upset me but my partner doesn't care and thinks I'm being silly and says that his sister is just the way she is and we won't be like her.

Things like , every time we visit , his sister is there having dinner, especially on a Sunday when his other brother is there with his girlfriend and they're all enjoying family time and we werent even invited for the dinner, typically my partner will say he will visit on Sunday and his mom will be like ok.

Another is seeing toys and treats being brought for the other grandchild and nothing for ours, his mom says its because we can afford to provide for ours. This is what annoys me why are we being penalised for being okay in life.

His mom and dad will take the other grandchild out to the parks and theme parks and not ours, because the child's mom can't afford to, even if his mom and dad took our children and we paid for them it would have been ok, just as long as they got some time with their grandparents.

I have since avoided visiting now and only my partner visits with our kids, because once I asked his mom if her mom (they were staying with them for a while) to watch my youngest and pick up my oldest from school as I had to go to the hospital, her response was , nan can collect the oldest but cant be dealing with the youngest. That really upset me and my partners nan is always watching the other grandchild, who is only 6 months older than my youngest. In the end I paid for a childminder to look after them.

It's petty little things like the inscriptions written in each grandchild birthday and Christmas cards, his grandparents live in Majorca and would come back with gifts for the other grandchild and nothing for ours. One Christmas his grandparents gave my partner £500 to make up for the stuff his sister has had over the year. His mom this year brought us a new washing machine because she has just spent £2000 doing up his sisters house. It all really gets to me, it's not about the money it's the fact they are so transparent with their Favourtism and they know it, and try to make up for it but if anything it just makes it worse. My partner just thinks more fool his mom and dad for letting his sister get away with it, he thinks that the relationship our children have with their grandparents is perfect and that when the time will come they can make their own minds up. But for the time being its starting to chip away at me, I find that I'm overcompensating for my children and make sure they have everything provided for, if their cousin gets something from the grandparents I will go out and buy my kids the same, which I know I can't keep this up forever.

Fire_Fox

You don't mention the sisters partner or husband? Is it bothering you or is it upsetting the children? Surely it's more likely to upset your children long term if you make it an issue? Cousins do get treated differently, that is life, siblings should not be. Kids don't need gifts every two minutes they need their parents love and attention, which presumably yours have in spades.

Dpmoff

I try to not let it show in front of my children, my oldest definitely notices the difference, she always asks why does nanny and grandad take **** out and not me, but I try to counter it with saying well its because we was busy doing this and that.

The youngest is only 18 months so she isn't aware of anything, the oldest I dont think notices that her sister is treated differently.

SailorSam

I was the first grandchild and was always my Nans favourite, But it may not have been 'cos i was the first but .........I'm the nicest.

Dpmoff

Firefox- didn't see the first bit of your comment, she doesn't have a partner, he comes and goes. Which is another reason why I think they help his sister more.

I know at the end of the day I would rather be me and have my family and be happy we can provide for our children, but every so often it comes and slaps me in the face. Because I am the outsider to the family I feel like its my fault that my kids arent treated the same, to my partner it is second nature and he's been used to this behaviour all his life.

Abbafan1972

SailorSam wrote: »

I was the first grandchild and was always my Nans favourite, But it may not have been 'cos i was the first but .........I'm the nicest.

In contrast to your post, I was the oldest grandchild of 9 on my Dad's side and my Nan hated me. I used to see her when I was young and when I got older, I got to know what she was like, poison actually.

Any photos of me (from school etc) used to get shoved in a drawer and pictures of certain cousins would go up on the wall and she doted over them.

Was glad to see the back of her when she died, nasty I know, but that's how I felt.

Person_one

SailorSam wrote: »

I was the first grandchild and was always my Nans favourite, But it may not have been 'cos i was the first but .........I'm the nicest.

I wonder if your siblings and cousins agree with you!

Dpmoff

Reading this back, I don't even think his mom and dad are bad people, they're just misguided and going the wrong way about it. They are nice and my child is lucky to have them in their life, I just wish it didn't come with restrictions.

tessie_bear

we are in a similar position as op with our kids and dh parents...at first it bothered me (we have been together 20 years) but over time i thought it is the grandparents money they can spend it how they want

now that they are getting on in years i am certainly not first in the queue to help them out....a bit of not having to say thankyou or owe them anything
good luck

Mrs.W_2

My mother does the same thing with my sister's children, preferring them over mine. My OH gets rather wound up by my Mother spending all the time she can with my sister's kids, but not bothering with ours unless there's a celebration and we're catering.

We live under five miles from Mother's house. My sister's house is over 170 miles away, yet she manages to see a great deal more of them. It's not for want of us extending invitations. They're simply refused.

I just accept that is her preference. I learned to expect absolutely no help whatsoever from my Mother, and I'm never disappointed.

Dpmoff

I do agree that some things come with complications, I think part of it, mil wants a part of her grand daughters life, something that my partner and me firmly believe belongs to us as their parents.

The close relationship often comes with downsides, my inlaws constantly shout at their grandchild and often smack her, as his sister doesnt even bother disciplining. I would hate for my children to be spoken to like that. This is what my partner thinks is the perfect grandchild/parent relationship. I think the boundaries can blur sometimes.