Favourtism among the grandkids

SailorSam

Person_one wrote: »

I wonder if your siblings and cousins agree with you!

That's why i typed quietly, just in case any of them are listening.

moneysaver12

Im in same situation with my mum, My mum faves my brothers two girls over my two little boys, she only has met my five month old once and thats when he was a few days old and she hasn't seen my other little boy since she saw his little brother. After years of been hurt by her, i have cut ties with her. Think its going to be awarkard next weekend as its my nieces birthday and she is having a party and my mum will be there, hopefully i will be able to avoid her and my kids too. I don't want my chidlren to be hurt, she can't just pick them and then drop them when she feels like it.

Mojisola

Dpmoff wrote: »

my oldest definitely notices the difference, she always asks why does nanny and grandad take **** out and not me

At some point she'll either ask her grandparents - I wonder what they'll say - or she just won't want anything to do with them.

Fire_Fox

Dpmoff wrote: »

Firefox- didn't see the first bit of your comment, she doesn't have a partner, he comes and goes. Which is another reason why I think they help his sister more.

I know at the end of the day I would rather be me and have my family and be happy we can provide for our children, but every so often it comes and slaps me in the face. Because I am the outsider to the family I feel like its my fault that my kids arent treated the same, to my partner it is second nature and he's been used to this behaviour all his life.

Are the grandparents maybe trying to make up for the lack of a reliable and supportive father figure/ husband? Maybe you can share that with your eldest daughter in an age appropriate manner even if it's not wholly the truth? Or maybe it makes them feel useful/ important? IMO in most cases having two loving parents is better than having one parent and two grandparents **. I am sure it is not your fault some people are just unfair, and life in general is often not fair.

**Not taking away from some amazing grandparents who take on the role of parent!

ebaybaby

I was in this same situation some years back with my in-laws. Our was the first grandchild. The other grand children always got better presents, taken out, even silly things like we would receive a really cheap christmas card and DH sisters would get a really luxurious one! We always had to visit them, they never came to us. In the end I said enough is enough, I let my DH still visit with the children but I didnt go, (no-one ever asked why either!!). Eventually DH had an argument with them and we cut off all ties, I can honestly say a huge weight was lifted, me and DH didnt argue anymore because Id have a go that his sisters kids were better treated than ours, we dont have to give up every Sunday to visit (without being offered so much as a cup of tea! unless DH made it!). I feel your pain OP x

LannieDuck

What a shame I can't understand how grandparents could treat grandchildren differently.

One thing stood out - have you actually asked the grandparents to take your children to the theme parks when they take the other grandchildren? (Perhaps offering to pay if you can afford to.)

dumbo

Surely its nobodies business what they do with THEIR money, I have a sister in law who ruined our family trying to tell my parents how what to do, bottom line, it was nothing but jealousy & greed. I would much prefer to have my parents around forever as no amount of money can replace them & if your children love their grandparents they will feel the same.

teaandcupcakesplease

I see the same thing happening with my OH and his sister. As we "earn more" and are not wasting our money and trying to be sensible with what we have - we dont recieve anything. His sister, with a dead beat boyfriend get all the help as she has a little one (thier only grandchild) doesnt earn much and in alot of debt.... let the games begin when we announce our news in a few weeks that we are expecting I have a feeling that i will be in the same boat as you.... xx

maman

Just putting in a good word for grandparents;)

It's a very difficult path. We have two DDs with a DGD each. DD1 is divorced and lives a mile away so we end up seeing more of them, helping out a bit more, spending a bit more time and money on her and DGD1. DD2 lives further away (30 miles) and is married. She rarely visits us and (long story) we can't visit her unless invited. We try to be scrupulous in buying DD2 and DGD2 (and SIL) a similar value of gifts for Christmas and birthdays and will send them a cheque every now and again if we've been treating DD1 for any reason or if we know DD2 has some expense coming up (e.g. spending money for holidays). What's happening is that I'm sensing SIL doesn't like it. My DH understands as he says it's to do with feeling that he's the provider for his family and we shouldn't interfere. I come from a family where money was fairly plentiful and my parents always treated me and my brothers generously even when we were adults so it's harder to understand. So we're trying to tread carefully.

My advice to OP would be to try to ignore it and rise above it, take the moral high ground. It won't help your children if it's discussed in front of them or highlighted. Also, I wouldn't try to compensate by buying your children gifts to make up for it. By all means buy them gifts but only a sensible amount.

I did wonder whether you come from a different background to your DH. Do you call your MIL 'mom' because you're from the US?

gymbo

can really empathise with this situation - found myself in a similar position some years ago. After sil had her child her husband left her and in laws were very involved in his upbringing it wasn't about money as this was never an issue but I always felt that they had missed out on so much by not spending any time with my boys - they never offered to look after them or take them on outings with my nephew. Luckily my parents were (and still are) very involved with their grandchildren and still have really good relationships with both of them even though they are grown up. I think what saddened me the most was when finl died when talking to my boys (10+11) about him there wasn't one 'remember when' instance that I could think of to talk to them about as he had so little input to their childhood. I always say it was their loss but it still makes me sad. If I ever have granchildren I will try my best to treat them all the same.