Am I wrong to be angry?

NAR

bluebird1878 wrote: »

Like i said in the last paragraph, if she wants to see him and be a doormat then its her choice, but...the reason i am angry is because she , soemone who i considered a very close friend, and have listened to endlessly, has lied to me- maybe im wrong but in my world close friends dont treat each other that way?

You are quite right to be angry. Ask her again if she is seeing him. If she denies it tell her you don't believe her, you don't appreciate being lied to and that you thought your friendship was worth more than lies. Turn and walk away.

Dasa

LittleMax wrote: »

I agree - for me a friend should not be judgemental they should be friends with me for who I am and that friendship should not be conditional on me behaving in a certain way. If you are too judgemental then the result is that she will not feel able to be open and honest with you. At the end of the day you can only be there for her and offer advice, but ultimately it is her decision if she chooses to take that advice.

So do I, she probably feels that if she opens up to you it will mean nothing but pressure from you and so is taking the easy option of not telling you. Cowardly, yes, and it depends on how much you value the friendship on how you react. I would not ask her if it is true I would tell her you know.

Yorkie1

If you choose to maintain a friendship of similar depth as before, I'd advise you to be very careful of what you say in criticism of the OH.

I have been on a similar merry-go-round with a friend who has had a poor relationship. On / off repeatedly, with some extreme behaviour from OH very occasionally.

Each time she was adamant to make a break, each time I supported her and reiterated why it was probably for the best, and whenever they got back together again I wondered what she repeated to the OH.

This obviously made it difficult for me to be friends with them as a couple at times because the OH knew what my opinion of him had been.

Fire_Fox

I'd step away from the friendship, if she asks what is wrong say how disappointed and upset you are that she has lied to you. It doesn't matter what about, she has betrayed your trust. I wouldn't ask again about seeing him, then you are making the situation about something that is essentially a side issue and obviously controversial.

fawd1

bluebird1878 wrote: »

Like i said in the last paragraph, if she wants to see him and be a doormat then its her choice, but...the reason i am angry is because she , soemone who i considered a very close friend, and have listened to endlessly, has lied to me- maybe im wrong but in my world close friends dont treat each other that way?
Anyway, im not looking for an arguement with anyone, just wanted to have a rant so thanks guys for all your replies, gives me some food for thought, much appreciated!

Maybe she knows just how much you disapprove and is worried about your reaction? If she is with someone who treats her very badly she must have pretty low self esteem. Hence she probably doesn't want anyone else thinking badly about her. I understand why you're angry, but actually I think she'd probably like to tell you the truth but she is frightened to. That could also be because she knows you might tell her to leave him and she genuinely doesn't feel like she can

pearl123

bluebird1878 wrote: »

Back in the summer i posted a thread about how worried i was about a friend who was living with this guy who was still cheating on her with his ex wife......fast forward and she saw swnse eventually and after realising he was treating her as a doormat in more than one way, she threw him out. Now, i have been there for her, supported her through the tears and late night phone calls , and thought that she was finally getting her life slowly back together.
The last week or so i have had my suspicions that she is seeing him again, and when i have asked her, and adding that i have said if she sees him then thats up to her but she would be the one who would get hurt again, she denied it and always changed the subject.
Upon trying to make an appointment on her work on-line internal diary, i have stumbled accross many ,many indications that leave me in no doubt she is seeing him again,(to explain, there are two ways to show your movements, private and public but i dont think she knows this) and also since i tried to broach the subject a couple of days ago she is avoiding me.
I am feeling angry towards her, the reason being that she has lied to me, point blank told me that she isnt seeing him, when the evidence is stacked against her (there are other indications too apart from the diary, i have also seen his car there overnight)- i couldnt care less if she wants to become a doormat for the toad, if she has so little self respect then thats her problem, im just fuming that after everything i have done for her and helped her with she lies blatently to me- i am so angry- am i right to feel this way and what would you say to her-or would you say nothing?
sorry for the rant!!!!!

What she wants to do is up to her. I can't see how it is any of your business. (Being there for a friend is what most people do - even when they make repeated mistakes) You should not judge her life choices. If she chooses to see her ex - it's up to her. Why would she need to tell you if she is seeing her ex? It's her business.
Two seperate lives yours and hers!

bluebird1878

pearl123 wrote: »

What she wants to do is up to her. I can't see how it is any of your business. (Being there for a friend is what most people do - even when they make repeated mistakes) You should not judge her life choices. If she chooses to see her ex - it's up to her. Why would she need to tell you if she is seeing her ex? It's her business.
Two seperate lives yours and hers!

Like i mentioned previously, if she wants to be a doormat then thats her choice, i couldnt care less, but after all the support she has had from me its the fact that she has blatently lied to me,and ive given her an oportunity to tell me the truth by saying "look if you are back with him then thats your choice", but she still denies it even though i now know she is- i couldnt care less about that side of things-its the fact that all the trust that we have built up over the years has in my eyes gone, and thats what hurts, to me thats not what friends do and that is the main issue here.

londonsurrey

bluebird1878 wrote: »

Like i mentioned previously, if she wants to be a doormat then thats her choice, i couldnt care less, but after all the support she has had from me its the fact that she has blatently lied to me,and ive given her an oportunity to tell me the truth by saying "look if you are back with him then thats your choice", but she still denies it even though i now know she is- i couldnt care less about that side of things-its the fact that all the trust that we have built up over the years has in my eyes gone, and thats what hurts, to me thats not what friends do and that is the main issue here.

I agree with you there. I suppose the saving grace is that you are true to yourself and your beliefs.

It's not your fault that she doesn't have any integrity at all - both in her love life, or even in being basically truthful to a friend. This is not a person who will make take any responsibility for her choices, or make the effort to do things that are "difficult", but will just go with the flow, and then wail about bad things happening to her.

mrs_sparrow

My opinion?

She has lied because she is ashamed of being weak. Ashamed that after everything she admitted to you she has gone back to him.

I have been in this exact situation after a friend told me her husband beat her, she got a solicitor, an injunction etc... then a week later let him move back in and then a few months later she was pregnant again by him.

Some people are just weak, they have an addiction to people who treat them badly and they are hooked on negative attention.

The hard decision is to sit back and to have to let them make the sam mistakes again. Sometimes though, after going back, they actually do realise why they left them in the first place as it is not long before the true colours start seeping out. Do not say 'I told you so' as this will make them feel worse, you have to help them realise that life can go on without this bad person in their lives. Whether you can do that depends on you but I absolutely get where you are coming from - especially when you have given up so much of your time and life to help someone, it's almost as if they are throwing it back in your face.

I think you just need to say 'I do know and if you need my help, I am there for you' and leave it there. At least she will not feel trapped in a dire situation and has someone to turn to.

However, if you did all of this because you have feelings for her that go beyond friendship, you really need to back off and not get involved as it will eat you up and you'll end up hurting over it.

pearl123

bluebird1878 wrote: »

Like i mentioned previously, if she wants to be a doormat then thats her choice, i couldnt care less, but after all the support she has had from me its the fact that she has blatently lied to me,and ive given her an oportunity to tell me the truth by saying "look if you are back with him then thats your choice", but she still denies it even though i now know she is- i couldnt care less about that side of things-its the fact that all the trust that we have built up over the years has in my eyes gone, and thats what hurts, to me thats not what friends do and that is the main issue here.[/QUOTE]

OP of course I do see your point.
But to be honest you sound like she's been unfaithful to you! "You had you suspicions etc"
If they have got back together it's because of they love one another. A good enough reason.
Really are you saying that if she had told you - you would have been non-judgemental?
.