Am I wrong to be angry?

bluebird1878

Back in the summer i posted a thread about how worried i was about a friend who was living with this guy who was still cheating on her with his ex wife......fast forward and she saw swnse eventually and after realising he was treating her as a doormat in more than one way, she threw him out. Now, i have been there for her, supported her through the tears and late night phone calls , and thought that she was finally getting her life slowly back together.
The last week or so i have had my suspicions that she is seeing him again, and when i have asked her, and adding that i have said if she sees him then thats up to her but she would be the one who would get hurt again, she denied it and always changed the subject.
Upon trying to make an appointment on her work on-line internal diary, i have stumbled accross many ,many indications that leave me in no doubt she is seeing him again,(to explain, there are two ways to show your movements, private and public but i dont think she knows this) and also since i tried to broach the subject a couple of days ago she is avoiding me.
I am feeling angry towards her, the reason being that she has lied to me, point blank told me that she isnt seeing him, when the evidence is stacked against her (there are other indications too apart from the diary, i have also seen his car there overnight)- i couldnt care less if she wants to become a doormat for the toad, if she has so little self respect then thats her problem, im just fuming that after everything i have done for her and helped her with she lies blatently to me- i am so angry- am i right to feel this way and what would you say to her-or would you say nothing?
sorry for the rant!!!!!

PinkLipgloss

I understand your concern however life really is too short. What more can you do short of trying to organise some sort of brain transplant?

Keep your distance and move on focusing on your own life.

No doubt your friend will be stung yet again but that's her look out - she is fully functioning adult.

Mojisola

bluebird1878 wrote: »

I am feeling angry towards her, the reason being that she has lied to me, point blank told me that she isnt seeing him, when the evidence is stacked against her (there are other indications too apart from the diary, i have also seen his car there overnight)- i couldnt care less if she wants to become a doormat for the toad, if she has so little self respect then thats her problem, im just fuming that after everything i have done for her and helped her with she lies blatently to me- i am so angry- am i right to feel this way and what would you say to her-or would you say nothing?

I think I'd have to treat her attraction to him like an addiction and follow the advice given to stop myself being an enabler - tell her that you can't support her choices but that if she wants to change and takes steps to show it, you will be willing to support her again.

I'd have trouble keeping friends with someone who lied to me but that's what addicts do.

If she chooses him over your friendship, step away and concentrate on making your life as good as it can be.

System

Youve done your best to support her now leave her to it.

londonsurrey

I would be definitely not be impressed at being lied to.

How angry I got would depend on my mood, I think.

I find the key of how to proceed is to analyse what you're looking at. In this case, it's a person, and it's someone you have treated as a friend, been there for her, and she's blatantly lied to you.

She sounds weak, and a moral coward.

The decision is yours - how much do you want to continue associating with her, and/or supporting her?


The "cleanest" most grown up solution is to simply tell her straight that you know that she's been seeing him, lying blatantly to you, and that it was silly, as being an adult, she has a total right to see who she likes. Wish her luck, and finish with something like "See you around", indicating that you're going to bump into her at work, will smile and be pleasant, but no way are you expecting to sit up through the night with her again!

The other end of the scale in terms of supportiveness is to continue as you are, but she knows that you know she's still seeing him.

Personally, I'm tempted to opt for the first option, but I'm not the one who is fond of her, has a history of friendship with her, etc. The first option is just seeing her as a weak drama llama who laps up attention and is in a mess, who I just can't be bothered with any more.

sassyblue

I'd be annoyed about the lies but everything else is upto her, l'd also point out she's not to come crying to you next time, unless you really treasure her as a friend and want to keep picking up the pieces......

Ultimately, take a deep breathe and ignore, you don't want to be an accessory to any affairs.

Threebabes

Let her get on with it. You were a good friend when she needed now step away.

smartpicture

Why should you be angry? You sound more like her relationship partner than a friend, checking up on her movements and trying to find evidence of her lying to you! No-one is obliged to tell their friends everything, it's her private business, but it's hardly surprising she's keeping it from you if she knows you'll be having a go about it! She's probably embarrassed and ashamed, as well as not wanting to risk a falling out with you.

You supported her because you were her friend, but that doesn't give you the right to make her life choices for her - even if you think they're wrong. You do have the right to choose not to support her if it all goes wrong again, but for now just back off, stop quizzing her and let her tell you in her own time.

Slowhand

bluebird1878 wrote: »

Back in the summer i posted a thread about how worried i was about a friend who was living with this guy who was still cheating on her with his ex wife......fast forward and she saw swnse eventually and after realising he was treating her as a doormat in more than one way, she threw him out. Now, i have been there for her, supported her through the tears and late night phone calls , and thought that she was finally getting her life slowly back together.
The last week or so i have had my suspicions that she is seeing him again, and when i have asked her, and adding that i have said if she sees him then thats up to her but she would be the one who would get hurt again, she denied it and always changed the subject.
Upon trying to make an appointment on her work on-line internal diary, i have stumbled accross many ,many indications that leave me in no doubt she is seeing him again,(to explain, there are two ways to show your movements, private and public but i dont think she knows this) and also since i tried to broach the subject a couple of days ago she is avoiding me.
I am feeling angry towards her, the reason being that she has lied to me, point blank told me that she isnt seeing him, when the evidence is stacked against her (there are other indications too apart from the diary, i have also seen his car there overnight)- i couldnt care less if she wants to become a doormat for the toad, if she has so little self respect then thats her problem, im just fuming that after everything i have done for her and helped her with she lies blatently to me- i am so angry- am i right to feel this way and what would you say to her-or would you say nothing?
sorry for the rant!!!!!

You need to step away. You've done your best for your friend...let whatever happens happen.

bluebird1878

smartpicture wrote: »

Why should you be angry? You sound more like her relationship partner than a friend, checking up on her movements and trying to find evidence of her lying to you! No-one is obliged to tell their friends everything, it's her private business, but it's hardly surprising she's keeping it from you if she knows you'll be having a go about it! She's probably embarrassed and ashamed, as well as not wanting to risk a falling out with you.

You supported her because you were her friend, but that doesn't give you the right to make her life choices for her - even if you think they're wrong. You do have the right to choose not to support her if it all goes wrong again, but for now just back off, stop quizzing her and let her tell you in her own time.

Like i said in the last paragraph, if she wants to see him and be a doormat then its her choice, but...the reason i am angry is because she , soemone who i considered a very close friend, and have listened to endlessly, has lied to me- maybe im wrong but in my world close friends dont treat each other that way?
Anyway, im not looking for an arguement with anyone, just wanted to have a rant so thanks guys for all your replies, gives me some food for thought, much appreciated!

LittleMax

smartpicture wrote: »

Why should you be angry? You sound more like her relationship partner than a friend, checking up on her movements and trying to find evidence of her lying to you! No-one is obliged to tell their friends everything, it's her private business, but it's hardly surprising she's keeping it from you if she knows you'll be having a go about it! She's probably embarrassed and ashamed, as well as not wanting to risk a falling out with you.

You supported her because you were her friend, but that doesn't give you the right to make her life choices for her - even if you think they're wrong. You do have the right to choose not to support her if it all goes wrong again, but for now just back off, stop quizzing her and let her tell you in her own time.

I agree - for me a friend should not be judgemental they should be friends with me for who I am and that friendship should not be conditional on me behaving in a certain way. If you are too judgemental then the result is that she will not feel able to be open and honest with you. At the end of the day you can only be there for her and offer advice, but ultimately it is her decision if she chooses to take that advice.