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Emily_Rachel

lindos90 wrote: »

Feeling a bit low today, Im my mums main carer. She fell in May and has been in and out of hospital since then. She fell again in August and has been in hospital ever since.

She was at home all the school holidays, and as a few of you may remember, i had a 'meltdown' at one point as I couldnt cope with helping her, running her houshold as well as mine, having three kids at home, doing the job of the incompetent professionals involved etc, as well as having to go in between carer visits and during the night.

Anyway, visits mum today, she says the physio has asked her to talk to me about what will happen if she cant go home. How can i tell my mum that I think she would be better in a home, its breaking my heart:(

I know she was not safe at home over the summer, we lurched from one crisis to another, and her ability and mobility is not as good as it was then, so I knew we might have to face this. Shouldnt it be up to the staff on the ward to asses her and advise her about if she can safely go home? Do I have to take on this responsibility and guilt as well?:(:(

On the plus side, I told her about the cheese glitch and she was very impressed:)

Hello, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I had much the same sort of thing with my mum this year. She had a stroke, then another, then it turned out to be a brain tumour which was inoperable and I had to help her through all this and start chemo myself at the same time. I can only suggest talking to the hospital and social services and getting as much help as you can now, as you are in danger of spreading yourself too thin and dropping everything otherwise. It is so hard when you want to help her so much, but you have your own family too, and your mum is obviously not going to be able to cope at home without a lot of help.

Nobody is superhuman, and maybe:) if you talk to family, your mum's friends and any professional help that is offered, you will find the support that you and your mum need to get through this. All my mum wanted was to go home, and it was so hard talking it all through with her and making her realise that it just was not possible as she was getting more and more disabled as the illness progressed.

Maybe some of your mum's friends could help more with making your mum come to terms with the realities of facing going into a home. It is never anyone's first choice, but it can have positives too, and most people enjoy the social aspects and support once settled in.

The hospital should be doing assessments and rating her capabilities and mobility and functionality, so this will help you get her the help she needs. My mum and I found it worked best taking it 'one step at a time', ie just thinking about the next step and what that decision would be rather than trying to solve it all at once. In the end I found a place for mum at a hospice that she had supported for years by raising money for them from cake sales, and her last few weeks were happy and pain free, with lots of visitors.

There should be a social worker or similar at the hospital who has to face this sort of situation on a daily basis, and maybe they can help you talk to your mum about the choices ahead. They will also have a good idea of which homes are where and what they are like. I certainly found the hospital and hospice very supportive of both me and my mum.

I send you lots of hugs and hope that you will get the help and support that you need this time to come up with as good a solution as possible for your mum.:)ER

lindos90

David. wrote: »

No good with words I am afraid but
when I was a kid my mams aunty who we had never actually met before ended up living with us as her own sons wife did not want to know too tieing to have the oldie and she was a nurse :eek: obviously knew what it was going to be like.
Anyway to cut a long story short for about 2 years mam was ran ragged looking after auntie she had parkinsons so was on all sorts of tablets which had side effects woke up most nights screaming, mam obviously went and calmed her down etc. Our family life was put on hold for those 2 years as we could not leave her alone she used to panic if I remember rightly get up and fall over. If she tried to walk unaided she fell over most times. The only time her son rang was when his car failed mot and needed new tyres (strange what you remember) .In those 2 years they never once came to see her. Eventually it was affecting my mams health that much aunty had to go into a home.
Well I can say it was not a decision my mam came to easily as she did not want to give up on her but there was no other option really. Anyway aunty had a whale of a time mixing/chatting with other oldies and playing bingo etc. 24 hour care from people that are not dieing on their feet themselves. She lived out her years there with regular visits from us and she was happy with her new friends of her own age.
That does not answer your question but its a tough decision to make but I am sure you would not even be considering it if the point where it is best for her had not already passed and you have tried your best.
If that makes sense

they have jsut told my mum she probably has parkinsons, they have thickened her drinks as her swallowing is affected. 'Putting your life on hold' has struck a chord with me, as I feel thats what I have been doing for at least a year since she has been deteriorating. its the kids i feel Ive neglected, but couldnt tell my mum this, it would break her heart and she would go in a home to help me, which would make me guilty for ever.

Witch_Hazel

Call_of_Trouty wrote: »

It was the exact same pack and if what happened last time happens this time then it won't be £1 tomorrow.

No chance of the cheese being a pound tomorrow now that Mr Lewis has stuck it in the email.....:mad: The man will never learn.

TrulyMadly

Oh Lindos
I can feel how torn you are. it can be so hard at times trying to do the best for everyone. Sometimes the uncertainty is worse than the road that lies ahead. Once you have decided what you are going to do you can start moving forward.

Good luck and best wishes

TrulyMadly

Witch_Hazel wrote: »

No chance of the cheese being a pound tomorrow now that Mr Lewis has stuck it in the email.....:mad: The man will never learn.

Lets share the love:)

lindos90

spiderpig82 wrote: »

hi my heart goes out to you as i work in a care home as much as you love your mum you also need your own space and more than anything looking after you family is number one i understand how hard it must be to broach the subject and how bad you must feel as of course its your mum in my opinion you should suggest respite which usually consists of a two week period and looking round different care homes tell your mum how worried you are about her but allow her to to chose the place she feels happy with asides that there is carers that can go in and assist at home dont forget it means your mum giving up everything she has known for her whole life

We have asked for respite before, but told that as she has carers every day, we cant get respite. If we want respite, I have to do all the care 24/7. I said to her today that she should not be forced into making a quick decision one way or the other right now, but she needs to have a good think, and i will try and support her whatever she decides.

At the moment she is incontenent (sometimes doubly) and needs the help of two carers to stand. She will not be able to change her pad if it gets dirty until the next lot of carers vist if she does home (or she will do what she did before, and call me to help her) but I can not do the job of two carers on my own. Its a real pickle to be in.

Thanks everyone for your support, sorry to interupt the glitches, night night x x

supersally01

Magicowen wrote: »

Hiya Tweets and Poppy :wave:

Hi Percy!!!

Witch_Hazel

TrulyMadly wrote: »

Lets share the love:)

happy to share anything. things tend to end PDQ once Mr Lewis has made his announcements.

David.

lindos90 wrote: »

they have jsut told my mum she probably has parkinsons, they have thickened her drinks as her swallowing is affected. 'Putting your life on hold' has struck a chord with me, as I feel thats what I have been doing for at least a year since she has been deteriorating. its the kids i feel Ive neglected, but couldnt tell my mum this, it would break her heart and she would go in a home to help me, which would make me guilty for ever.

Dont feel guilty. I dont want this to sound wrong but sometimes we are not the best person for the job.
I wouldnt try and fix my car I would use a mechanic.
Not saying anything else incase I put my size 11s in it.

David.

bargainsniffer1 wrote: »

Thanks but not tonight.

What all that typing and you wont go to the bar :mad:.
Where is that ignore button again