Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh

Merch_boy

That’s the way I am feeling at the moment.
I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do.

My situation – I got married in December last year.
My wife and I are on the verge of splitting up.

I have – a flat (tenant moving out at the end of the month) – mortgage in my name - £111000.
A 2nd mortgage in my name on the flat - £38000
A house where we live, mortgage in my name - £130000

We live with her 3 kids from a previous marriage.

I am also in a lot of credit card debt – approx £27000 – 10k of which my wife is paying off for now.
The debt is my fault – but I did not get me into the debt. My wife did. I work away, and she would take a credit card out of my wallet and spend.
I should have noticed but I didn’t. the cards are paid the minimum every month by direct debit. The first time she did it, I took out the 2nd mortgage on the flat to pay them off and also to cover buying the house we are in now.
We split up last year for a while – she kicked me out – no other people involved.
While we were apart she opened an EGG credit card account in my name – spent it to the limit and never paid any back. The first I knew of it was when were got back together and I got a letter from a company called CAPQUEST saying this was the final letter they were writing to me before court action!!!...I have since spoke/wrote to them and we agreed on £150 per month, which my wife is paying. She also did the same with an ARGOS card – which I have nearly paid off.
I forgave her this aswell.
Everything at the moment I can manage – just – on my monthly wage - £2700. She has just started working again so we live off her wage - £1600. Well I say we do, but we don’t really. She spends like it is going out of fashion, on stuff for the house we don’t need, for stuff for the kids they WANT but certainly don’t need, and stuff for her which she has already got! I am not allowed to say anything about what she buys as it ends up in a row. I have tried on numerous occasions. She says she will stop, then gets angry towards me (violent on a few occasions) and then goes mad on ebay or at the shops. She will never change, never.

I know if I left I would survive. But she would make my life hell. I would still let her live in the house, but I couldn’t afford to pay for council tax, bills etc, as I would need to pay for my own.
I would be scared stiff she might try and pull another EGG/ ARGOS stunt again.
I know for a fact she would not let me in to get my mail, etc.
She has stated if we split up she would cancel paying CAPQUEST – it comes out her bank but is in my name.
In previous rows she has stated she will never leave the house, even if I tried to sell it – can she do this?
Would I have to pay maintenance for her children if I left / got divorced.
I know I can’t get divorced until I have been married a year – am I right?


I know the debt is my fault for being so stupid – but I love her. I have forgiven her numerous bad things, I know I shouldn’t have, but I thought she could change.
But I now know she will never change.

I am planning to pay off around £8000 of the debt off at the end of the month as I gat my tax back from the IR – my job takes me away for 6 months plus – and also I have the chance, soonish, of a new job that pays me GROSS and only Class 2 NI which will help.

Im sorry if this is all coming out wrong but am writing it as i think it.
To some it may be the ramblings of a mad man. But it’s the ramblings of a man who is in love and thought he was / is loved back, and you do anything for the one you love – right?

There may be more as I think about it but that’s it for now.

Any ideas /suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

smilealot

Hi Merch boy, welcome to the forum. Well done for writing it all down, it must have taken a lot for you to do it. You've taken the first step to getting things sorted.

I'm fairly new to this debt-free business myself, so I let the pros come along and offer their fantastic advice on that front.

What I am more concerned about is how you are feeling emotionally. Blimey, it's been a bit of a journey for you. I admire you for hanging in there as long as you could, but I think you are right to draw a line under it, for your sake, but also for your wife's. Money is money, it was always be there and there is always a solution, but I think it's more important to make sure you are okay. Do you have someone you can call on for support while you go through this? I hope you're not alone (remember we are always here, even if you just want a moan about general stuff!).

I have an idea of how to answer some of your questions, but am frightened of misadvising you. The others will be along soon.

Take care and please let us know how you get on.

smilealot :rolleyes2

angchris

hiya welcome to dfw :hello: to be honest i think marriage is about being a team and working together towards the same aims or goals in life having a good laugh along the way. there doesn`t seem to be much teamwork going on in your marriage im sorry to say it all seems very one sided, she seems to be doing the taking and you are giving! does she really love you? are you being taken for a total mug because you can give her all the securitys in life ie roof over her + 3 kids heads and bleeding you dry by using your cards in the process?
i think you really need to have a heart to heart together and talk through your future together financially as well as emotionally because as it stands if nothing changes she is going to take you under and then highly likely move on to the next unsuspecting bloke and do the exact same thing :mad:
now i obviousely don`t know your wife and i hope im totally wrong for your sake, but if i am right and i have seen a friend of mine do this before (several times to different men:mad: ) then maybe you are better off cutting your losses now and getting out of the relationship before more serious damage is done and make a clean break as well...check out my link from last week about what is happening to a guy i know this could potentially be you if you leave her in the house and move out yourself http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=419055 you have only been married less than 4 months, this is supposed to be the best time of your lives!! if this is the best whats the rest gonna be like!???:eek:
i wish you the best of luck my friend and i hope it all works out well for you and you are happy...angchris

scratchdisk

seems like a lot to think about, maybe you are getting a little overwhelmed, if it was me I would try to take one problem at a time. try to figure out what you and your wife are going to do first. If you are going to split up, do it, get past that and then evaluate your situation and try to consolidate.

smilealot

Hi again Merch boy. Thought these quotes might help to answer a couple of your questions:

http://www.justdivorce.co.uk/guide_divorce.htm
"when:
You can institute divorce proceedings after you have been married for
one year.
grounds:
You will have to show that your marriage has broken down irretrievably.
You can show this by proving that either your spouse has committed adultery, been cruel either mentally or physically, that you have been deserted for at least two or more years or you have lived apart for more than five years. You can agree with your spouse that your marriage is at an end and consent to a divorce provided you have lived apart for more than two years."

http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/financial/children.htm
"The CSA has jurisdiction over your case if ALL of the following apply to you:
The child is the child, either by birth or adoption, of both parents. (This means that step-children cannot claim maintenance from step-parents under the CSA).
The parent with care, the non-resident parent and the child all normally live in the UK. (This includes people working abroad for British employers).
The non-resident parent is not living in the same household as the child.
The child is under 16 or over 16 and still in full-time secondary education
There is no existing maintenance order for the child unless the parent with care starts to receive a state benefit. (Unless the order was made after 3 March 2003 and 12 months have elapsed. Please check with the CSA for full details as in these cases you may be able to apply to the CSA for a maintenance assessment. "

smilealot :rolleyes2

Merch_boy

Thanks very much for replying so quick.
I just re read my post and thought...God, is that me?...what an idiot!!! How can anyone let that happen to themselves?
But, unfortunately, it has. To me.
Angchris - your post about your friend does sound a bit like my situation - apart from i wont be moving in with anyone else - just back to my flat - if i do decide to leave. But i can really see her digging her heels in and not budging - even thought the house is in my name only.
We have had regular talks about what needs doing - all ok for a week or so, then back to normal. She will never change.
I think it really is time to go.
I do have people around me, good friends and family, but cant tell them about this. Too much shame, as some did say i was making a mistake (because of my wifes past). I do feel very alone in this, but thanks for making me welcome - feel a bit less lonely knowing people take the time to read my thread, and reply.
Thanks again.

R

sammy115

I think you need to do some planning before you do something impulsive. You need to try somehow to put a stop to her spending. Can you report all your cards as lost or as being misused. Then she couldn't spend on them at all. Then get your address changed to another place and have new cards sent there (or not at all!). You also need to put a stop to her applying for cards in your name. Not sure how you can do that, but if you are being chased by debt collectors I am not sure she would get more credit in your name anyway.

You need to start finding paperwork about the mortgage and all the finances - who pays what. Whos name are the bills in, do you have a joint mortgage. If council tax bills electric etc are in your name you will be liable even if you have moved out. You need to get the bills changed into your wife's name before you leave.

If you have a joint bank account you are jointly liable for debts unless you get your name taken off the account. You should open an account in your name, get your salary paid into that account. Cancel any overdraft or pay it off on the other account.

Sorry you are having problems. These aren't going to be solved overnight but you do need to stop the spending whether you stay or go.

Merch_boy

sammy115 wrote: »

I think you need to do some planning before you do something impulsive. You need to try somehow to put a stop to her spending. Can you report all your cards as lost or as being misused. Then she couldn't spend on them at all. Then get your address changed to another place and have new cards sent there (or not at all!). You also need to put a stop to her applying for cards in your name. Not sure how you can do that, but if you are being chased by debt collectors I am not sure she would get more credit in your name anyway. Good point - never thought of that, thanks. Makes me feel a bit better about MORE debt.
You need to start finding paperwork about the mortgage and all the finances - who pays what.I pay everything bar her phone bill Whos name are the bills in, do you have a joint mortgage.My name, and some have both of our names, the mortgage is in my name only. If council tax bills electric etc are in your name you will be liable even if you have moved out. You need to get the bills changed into your wife's name before you leave. Can i do that without her consent?

If you have a joint bank account you are jointly liable for debts unless you get your name taken off the account. You should open an account in your name, get your salary paid into that account. Cancel any overdraft or pay it off on the other account. We have seperate accounts

Sorry you are having problems. These aren't going to be solved overnight but you do need to stop the spending whether you stay or go.

Thank you for your reply, didnt know many people were up this hour!!!

angchris

if you do decide to split up please dont leave her in your house and let her stay there, make some excuse up anything just to get her out..say your selling up or something....offer to pay to get her set up in a nice rental place with her on the tenancy agreement and help her to move offer to pay 6 months rent or whatever it takes to get her out. i know it doesnt sound a nice approach but it would safeguard your assetts for the future because if you leave her in there knowing how bad she is with money what will happen to the house in the future? it would be worth every penny of 6 months rent to safeguard yourself from possible reprocutions in the future!

azjh77

Surely she is committing fraud by getting credit in your name? Can you not prove you didn't take out the credit? (ie, you were away when things were signed) I would have thought the company is at fault for accepting a false application and not looking into it. Does anyone know the legalities of this?

Merch_boy

azjh77 wrote: »

Surely she is committing fraud by getting credit in your name? Can you not prove you didn't take out the credit? (ie, you were away when things were signed) I would have thought the company is at fault for accepting a false application and not looking into it. Does anyone know the legalities of this?

I could prove I was either away at sea or at my flat when the applications were made. But, I have accepted them as my debt by paying the argos and speaking to CAPQUEST - have I?