Relate Counselling Service?

back2square1

Hi bettyboop I went Relate with my ex husband. It was after his first affair and trying to see if we could put it behind us but as you know from a previous thread he did it again so consequently we divorced.

Relate was ok but I never felt that their support was at all helpful. However I attended Mediation as part of my divorce (you have to attend if you wish to get Legal Aid) anyway, we found mediation brilliant. It helped us sort out everything financial, access etc. I would definitely recommend mediation to others who are separating and have financial settlements plus access to children to be agreed.

It really does depend on what the motives are for attending Relate,if its to help to have an amicable separation and divorce then Mediation is by far the best place to go. Especially when its sorting out money and access to children that cause the arguments when you split up.

If you are trying to get back together then I really do not feel that Relate helped my husband and myself to have a harmonious relationship.

Ms_Chocaholic

Rather than be stuck on a waiting list, a work colleague and her partner found a counsellor on the BACP website and had several sessions with her. It must have worked as they are still together and I don't think it cost much more than Relate would have done.

Just checked the BACP website and you can search by the area in which you live and all qualifications etc are listed and what each particular counsellor specialises in.

Website is https://www.bacp.co.uk

Bettyboop

UPDATE:

Hi All,

I just wanted to let you know that we had our first appointment with Relate this evening. We spoke about all sorts of things. Sadly, when he was taking me home he was angry about having to pay £35.00 for the consultation session with just a bit of counselling thrown in. He also went on to say that he cannot see us getting back together. He doesn't think it will be possible for me to forget and forgive the affairs - I said that it will take time and be in my own time! Seems to me that he has already decided that it's finished. I'm sitting here absolutely heartbroken. I thought by him inviting me to relate that it was a step forward in the right direction. I think he is also angry because he probably didn't like a lot of things I had mentioned. Oh well....life is really SH*T sometimes.

flossy_splodge

Unfortunately Relate counsellors are like any other counselling service - made up of people! There are good and bad Relate counsellors (I used to volunteer for them) but personally I would not go to them for relationship counselling. I found them rigid and dictatorial - too much instruction and not enough encouragement to listen to each other. I agree whole heartedly with other posters to look at independent counselling if you want to resolve things. If you think it is now too late for that then Relate certainly know all the info on how to divorce.
Have you thought about a session or two of counselling for yourself alone? may help to clarify things?
Best of luck.x

Bettyboop

flossy_splodge.. thanks. If you volunteered for them then why do they charge such high prices?

We were also told that the waiting list is around 6-8 weeks if we were to continue. I would imagine being that long that couples who go to them for help can actually break up for good whilst waiting!

I already see a counsellor once a week on my own. I had just thought that going together would help us say everything we wanted to, work it out and maybe get back together......

Off to the Solicitors later this afternoon. eeeeek!

hollydays

one way of looking at it is that he didnt feel he got enough time at that session to have his say.Why not try and even up the score again by suggesting on the next session (it not being the introductory one) he will get chance to say some of the things he is feeling. Give it a chance-it was only one session.You should know after another session if he is going to commit himself to the counselling or not.What is positive is you have managed to broach some difficult areas,which maybe he is embarassed and angry about.Next session is when hopefully the communication might start.It isnt going to be easy.

Bettyboop

hollydays, I completely agree with everything you said. I told him that it was silly deciding to end it all after just one session! During the introductory session he was asked if he wanted us to work everything out...his reply was he doesn't know. Honestly, I don't think I was ever good enough. Having had to live with everything from no communication, partnership, understanding and adultry I was prepared to give it another chance. I can't make him want that to.

I will think about other counselling for "us" and let him know if I find something. Don't know if it will be worth it.

Thanks again.

hollydays

Hope you sort things out.Remember though, his reply "He doesnt know" if said when angry doesnt mean a lot-it may mean that he was angry and he doesnt know if you are prepared to move on.Guess he could just have meant that he couldnt live in a relationship where you constantly bring up the affair,you could ask him if this is what he meant ,or did he mean he doesnt want to try.I am not saying you are at fault here,just trying to imagine what his words might mean. x

Bettyboop

hollydays....I think you hit the nail on the head. Are you by any chance a counsellor?

hollydays

no- and no expert,just my own thoughts. x I expect you may both be feeling quite panicky,it just strikes me that the urge to try and make things right eg by changing counsellor,is normal but its yet another unknown to introduce into the situation.Sticking with the same counsellor for a while longer might be difficult in the short term but may be simpler.