At 27, my life is rubbish.

Seaxwyn

Hi tinandsue

I read your comment about being ashamed of how you behaved when you were 12 and I want to say I think this is completely normal.

I have 12 year old twin girls and they have started dressing in the most outgrageous style (fishnets and short skirts) and won't go out of the house without heavy make-up. They don't have the faintest idea of the effect they can have on people.

I feel uncomfortable about it sometimes but I read in a book about Parenting Girls that girls will play with stereotypes at this time and it's completely normal.

It's not anything to be ashamed about that you behaved in this way. The people that abused you are the ones who did wrong.

Just a thought on the issue of where you live: could you move to a town closer to your family but without any bad memories? Being an hour away would be easier than 12 hours away.

lynzpower

I jsut wanted to come on here and offer you a big hug and one of these --} :T for being so strong.

I have worked with young women who have gone through what you have gone through, and many have got real difficulties in coping with life. That you have found true love and can give and recieve it is testament to your strength.

For what its worth, as an aside, many of us come here feeling worthless. Debt does that to people. Debt is also an "undiscussed" and a "secret" We have a great gang here where we can talk about our debts in the way we cant in the real world, the bialiffs letters, the not enough coppers for a pint of milk, weve all been there at some point, and in time you can laugh about it. It might seem a long way off from the way you are feeling now, but believe me things can change massively.

I recommend you post up your SOA, and we can take it from there. If we can find extra money for you, we can work on getting you all what you want out of life. Its helped me hugesly being here, new job, new hope, new horizons. AND a stack of new mates on here, theres always someone hanging about for a virtual hug and who will worry about you when you are offline

Your among freinds, so stick around

Hugs xx

Karmacat

Hello tinandsue

I've just read through these posts, and I also felt how strong you've been - I know you don't feel it, but the fact is, you could have gone under at any time from age 12. Instead, you've had the courage to open up to a positive relationship, to provide a home for your children, and now to start facing your pain. Your strength is amazing - and facing your pain will let you leave the trauma behind somewhat in the months and years that follow, believe me, as I know from personal experience.

Like others have said, I just want to emphasize that when there is abuse and/or rape betweeen adults and children, the adult is responsible, not the child. Abusers pick on vulnerable children, exactly as you described in Brighton, they're all too good at it. They can assess which child is on their own and all too glad just for a roof over their head.

You wrote something about "thats all I can take at the moment" when you mentioned the counsellor you're seeing - thats a really wise statement, you have to know how much you can cope with at any one time, like with sorting debts or anything else in life, your own pace is the right pace for you, don't listen to anyone who tells you anything different.

When you're ready, there are other things - support groups on the web or in person, keeping a therapy journal (on paper, not a blog, I'd advise), even helping others as someone else mentioned. Thats all for the future. Right now, your series of sessions with your counsellor are your way through. You're starting to set things right when you're in your twenties, and thats wonderful - I wonder if you feel old, because of all that you've been through, but in fact you're very young - did you know that in therapeutic terms, adolescence (i.e. finding your way in the world) lasts until 25 or so? So you're doing fantastically well, when you think of it that way!

onedayiwill

Just a hint on the coach travel... try and get an overnight coach. If you are travelling with the kids they will sleep and it will be less of a "challenge" than 12 hours on a coach during the day and keeping them occupied.

tinandsue

Firstly, can I just say again that I am sorry that for some reason I am unable to get the thanks button to work for any of you but I really am very grateful for all your support and advice.

To Seaxwyn...I am dreading my daughter getting to that age where she starts to dress up, use lots of make-up etc. In fact I'm often grateful for having 3 sons and only 1 daughter as I think I'll be good at teaching them how to treat women but will be awful at teaching my little girl how to behave. I've thought before about moving to another town that's maybe an hour or two away, but it's more about the type of people in those towns rather than the actual place itself - although that does still affect me too. I can't really explain it as I know it's irrational. I just feel safer here where the accent is different, buildings look different and everything is very unfamiliar.

To Lynzpower... Many thanks for your words of encouragement. I will try and get the SOA posted soon.

To Karmacat... You are someone else who has hit the nail on the head. I do feel really really old now! I worry all the time and have lost the ability to be carefree. I am rarely able to "let my hair down" and constantly feel that I need to live up to other people's standards. I think I have just lost myself along the way and have spent the last 15 years blocking my feelings out by spending all my energies on others. That was why I chose to get pregnant so young. Do you know, when all this first happened, I joined my local church much to the amazement of my parents who were not religious. I helped out in old folks homes and did loads of work for charity. Due to my moving around from one end of the country to another, I find myself at home as a fulltime mum and have more time to mull over things in my head. I began to realise that I had been running away from my feelings rather than dealing with them all of this time.

To onedayiwill... Thanks for the advice on coach travel. I'll give it some thought.

tinandsue

I just wanted to thank all the people who contributed to this thread when I needed it most. I was so very down when I posted on here and the support I received was truly amazing.

I'm happy to say that I'm feeling much more positive this week and feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've also read other people's similar posts and realise that I'm very lucky indeed to have the support around me that I have got.

beanielou

Hi tina & sue
Just wanted to say that I think you are an amazing woman.
Take lots of care
Huggles.

joeblack066

Echo that. Truly amazing. ***HUGS***

mummysdragon

Words can't express what I wish to say. You seem an amazing person, not only for posting such a touching and obviousy very upseting post but for wanting to change your life and asking for help.

Sending you hugs x

My parents are also 81, it is worrying. You also feel a strong bond to be near..but for obvious reasons...not that near which I can understand. Have you considered moving nearer but not within the same town, somewhere neutral, but closer that maybe you can all enjoy a re start? and also somewhere where the travel and time costs would not be so crippling for you as a family.

tinandsue

Hi everyone...long time no see eh?!

I just wanted to let all the kind people who responded to this thread know that life is so much better for me now. I go and see my counsellor once a week and have surprised myself with how much it has helped. I was always very sceptical about just how much "talking" about a problem could actually help. I was wrong to be sceptical and I would urge anyone who's had similar problems to mine to take the plunge.

I've realised now that I never ever want to go back to that town or even anywhere near it and am learning to deal with my guilt. I love where I live now and am going to make the most of it without looking back.

Thank you to all of you people who despite your own troubles, found the time to help spur me on to change my life for the better. We may never meet, but I will be indebted to you...and that's a debt I'm proud to have!!!