At 27, my life is rubbish.

tinandsue

Ok, I'm just going to have a real moan now and i apologise for that in advance. My Dad is 81 and fought in the 2nd world war. He saw his mates die in front of him and other atrocities and yet has remained positive the whole of his life. He makes the most of every single day and I am totally in awe of him. I, on the other hand, am weak. I am so very down about my life situation right now and have no idea how to change things. Here's my story...

I had the most wonderful life and brilliant childhood until the age of 12. At this age, everything changed. I was befriended by a man from a local probation hostel and he went on to rape and abuse me for about a year. I attempted suicide and self-harmed regularly and put myself into foster care voluntarily at 13, to the dismay of my parents who had no idea what was wrong. I ran away continuously and went from one childrens home to another foster home every few weeks.At one time, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for my own safety. I fell in love with a man(also from the hostel) when I was 13 who helped me through those bad times. But I now look back and realise that he was wrong too as he was 19. One of the times that I ran away to Brighton, I met a man in his late thirties who, with his mate, took me to a pub on the seafront. He asked me if I wanted a drink and he knew how old I was. He ordered me a Barcardi, straight, as I did not know any drinks to order. I drank it and remember it stinging my throat. They were both lorry drivers and they offered me a choice. Did I want to stay in the lorry or go back to the B&B with the other man? I chose to go to the B&B and was grateful for the roof over my head. He only had a single bed in the room and as soon as I was in it, he started trying to have sex with me. I let him as I felt I should be grateful for the roof over my head.
I stopped attending school regularly from the age of 14 and decided that I wanted a baby. It was the only thought that kept me going. I eventually fell pregnant at 15 by a kid from school and my daughter was born when I was 16. We tried to make a go of it and were given a council house. I had my first son by the same person at the age of 18. When my son was only 5 weeks old, he told me that he was gay and left. I was not devasted but felt that I had a chance to make a go of my life. I took driving lessons and passed. I also put myself back into the local college and took my GCSE in English and Maths. ( I had been expelled from school with no qualifications)I got an A* for English and C for maths and was thrilled.
I was always haunted by the reactions of others though. People treated me like scum for being such a young single mother. I felt that my children would suffer without a father figure in their lives. I therefore married my driving instructor, a man 8 years older than me who had been flirting with me since I first met him. My parents had given me £500 when I became engaged and I had put it towards the reception. I told them that I had serious doubts just before the wedding but my mother said," what about my £500?". It may seem silly to you, but I married him because I knew I would not be able to pay back that £500. We had a son born 9mths after the wedding and things went from bad to worse. He left when our son was a year old. Looking back, I know I never should have married him. We accrued some debt whilst we were together and I inherited this debt as part of our divorce-I just wanted the divorce settled and he said that he would make me wait 7 years if I didn't take the debt on.
I then started seeing my friend of 11 years and we are now married with a son of our own. He is truly my soul mate. We have suffered so many difficulties in our marriage already including my ex-husband trying to obtain custody of our son and claiming that I had mental difficulties in court. We now have lots of debt too and constantly struggle to make ends meet.
My husband has moved up to Aberdeenshire with me and then back down South, and then back up North again to try to please me. I just feel that I can't stay in that town anymore, where it all happened. But on the other hand, I miss my family and all things familiar. My Dad is 81 and the clock is constantly ticking. Who knows how long he will live and maybe I will spend the rest of my life in regret if he dies down there and I am not with him.
I wish I could put the past to rest forever and that is my aim.
We now have loads of debt, and I feel isolated. Sometimes, it is difficult to get up in the morning.
My question is this... How do you keep going after something like this? I wish I could be stronger.

TheAble

Hello there,

What I would say is, try and put the past behind you. Remembering it is painful, obviously, and you can't change it, but what you can change is the present and the future. You sound as if you are doing a lot better now, with someone you love, so the only way is up.

Moving down south again, that is your choice, although it is not necessarily necessary. You could make a regular thing of going to see your Dad for weekends, you don't have to move as such.

We can certainly offer some financial advice here, why not post up your SOA (see Southernscouser sticky) and we can help you out.

Good luck!

Scottishmummy

You already are strong. To have gone through all that and still come out the other end with a man who sounds like he would go to the ends of the earth for you and children whom you love and have fought for and who love you is truly inspirational. I cannot imagine how your childhood must have been but understand why you do not feel you can live there. Is there any way your dad could come live with you? Could you take him in and care for him or are there more family down south?

Do not worry about the debt there are ways of dealing with that. Post an SOA as detailed in the first time posters sticky near the top and loads of people will be more than willing to offer some great advice.

Welcome to the boards, you have made that first important step but I'll say it again YOU ARE STRONG!!! You can keep going.

tinandsue

Thank you so much for your support.

Unfortunately, I cannot make a regular thing of visiting my Dad as I simply cannot afford it.

I have lots of family down South: My mum and dad, my brother, and my sister and her children.

I don't feel strong, but it is lovely of you to say that. We have an income of approx £10,500. We have 4 children and we made an agreement with the CCCS about a year ago. We pay about £100 a month towards debt and never have anything left over.

TheAble

In this day and age, travel does not need to cost the earth. Have you checked out megabus.com? You can travel from Edinburgh to London for a fiver if you book in advance.

SSB

Hi
Your lifestory is something I hear a lot since I work part-time at a hostel for homeless. There is no need for you to feel ashamed or isolated, the only thing to concentrate now is the future. Just by posting here shows that you have strength and insight, this site can provide you with lots of support.

Post your SOA, this will make you feel much more in control and there is always lots of advice around. I'm off to work now and will check later who your are getting on.

SSB

Arghhh, I meant HOW you are getting on, I obviously need more tea in order to wake up...

Pobby

Hi - just read your story.I am so sorry that your life has been so tough.child abuse is devastating.I know people who have been victims.What a strong person you are and it is good to hear that at long last you are with someone who really cares.

Sounds to me that you would be more comfortable moving closer to your family.

Have you considered some form of counseling to help you deal with the injustices that have been dealt out to you?Anyway,I wish you all the very best.

mae

First things first is that you need to reconcile the abuse. You were a child and those people were adults!!! They were in the wrong and not you. Children are not built to deal with this kind of trauma they do not know how to say no to adults in this situation (and shouldn't be put in this situation) often children are left feeling guilty thinking they have some blame, could have stopped it, could have fought, etc etc. Until you can truly see the only people responsible for the actions here are the ADULTS who did this to you. Obviously this takes alot of time and effort and can be a traumatic journey to face but its the only way to take the power back.
I recommend counselling as a counsellor myself and I highly recommend a book called 'The Inner Child' by Penny Parks.
I think you are amazing to have come through all that and the fact you are on here asking for help is a massive step forward, thats half the battle, truly it is. You have such a lovely personality in that you have spotted characteristics in your dad that you are proud of and you are aware of his strengths but you could use your negative experinces just like he did too it just takes some work you are not weak you are just on your journey of righting the wrongs that have been forced on you.
Please read the book and please think of something positive about yourself at least once a day and reaffirm all YOUR strengths. Maybe you are a good mum? Maybe you are a good cook? Maybe you write nicely? Maybe you are a good wife? You must have so many but so many people have abused you you may have forgotten? Remember if you try to look to the top of the mountain and get there all at once you would fail, so babysteps (in my opinion) works in every aspect of life. Baby steps. Good luck I hope you find some inner peace you deserve it you've suffered enough x

onedayiwill

You've had it real tough, my heart goes out to you. I can't answer your question but it seems to me you are already pretty damn strong. So don't be too hard on yourself.

On the practical side of things ... I don't know where "down south" is for you, but I regularly travel "down south" from Aberdeen on National Express (from the Website choose "Ways to Save" then Funfares).... £1 each way - so £2 return to London. Even cheaper than megabus

It always makes me smile that I can get to London and back for only 40p more than it costs to get me from my house in the suburbs to the centre of Aberdeen. And that's just one way!

Take care.

P.S. Depending on where "down south" is, you may then be able to get another £1 funfare to your destination...

sanfrancisco

You need a new start. You have a very sad tale to tell and you need to get some help for this. I am so sorry that all these people abused you.

First of all go bankrupt. Second, have a new start down south. Thirdly, you need to get some councilling (sp?).

I don't know what else to say as I am no expert (except in moneysaving). ON a not so important note have you worked out the reasons for your overspending (ie: if you do go bankrupt can you ensure it will not happen again, you need to tackle these issues if you are to move on, I am sure it is all linked).

Good Luck and keep posting.