Almost adult teenager and studying - or not!

kazd

My eldest is in the last year of sixth form, he has not done as well as we would have like at AS level but still hopes to be able to pull off the grades required for his course at Uni.

Here is the problem, he constantly has his phone glued to his side which goes off approx every five minutes with a text. He has his laptop in his room. He works a couple of nights a week, he is partying at least one night at the weekend possibly two. Sometimes he works in the day on a sunday and likes to chill on Sunday night and watch tv.

Last night he was supposed to be studying but when I went up to his room it appeared that he changed pages to a study one as I walked in the room.

He is now telling me that he wants to have a back up plan because he thinks there is a chance that he will not get the grades. My son is a very bright kid but at A level he now needs to get his finger out and study, at GCSE he got away with the bare minimum and still managed 5 A's 2 A* B and C.

When I try and talk to him about studying he tells me he studys during his frees at school - why don't i believe him. We told him that even if he was going to drop a subject it was important that he still got a good grade at AS and so did the school, so he decides that he is dropping one and no point studying that subject but concentrate on the subjects he is keeping. He got a U in the dropped subject and whilst he got a couple of A's and a B in the other subject he got a D in the third. So he is now faced with several resits.

So back to last night he was allegedly working but this morning I checked the history on his laptop and saw that there was barely less than an hour when he wasn't surfing.

Please don't get me wrong on the whole he is not a bad kid, he only parties at the weekend, he does not smoke, do drugs etc and has never been in trouble. He is polite, charming and I am always told what a nice lad he is.

I am just so frustrated that he cannot see that a little hard work now will pay dividends in the long run.

londonsurrey

Is he expecting you to come up with a backup plan, or does he know that if he ends up in a minimum wage job, he's still expected to pay for his room and board?

Sambucus_Nigra

He won't get the grades if he doesn't study so surely the back up plan is now plan A.

Is all his study on line? Can you not get him to bring books home from the library and turn the internet off?

Seanymph

He has to take on responsibility for his own study - unfortunately he's a bit big to sit at the kitchen table and have you show him or monitor him.

I am a year on (with one in this year and one the year before).

My eldest chose not to go to uni this year, and is at home and has had a change of direction - still studying though.

She has friends from her year who have gone to uni because they want to - they have to want to - some have gone onto new fields, one has done academic A levels and is now doing a BTEC in health and social care because she wants to be a midwife. One has gone into the hotel he was a waiter in full time to do hospitality management - some are doing apprenticeships - some aren't working at all...... several have taken full time work.

Your son has to now make his choices - you can lay them out for him, support him with them, and show him how his actions limit them - but you can't make him work....... and as someone who pushed for university and had a fraught last couple of months last year ultimately if he does what you want not what he wants you are setting you both up for failure.

My daughter got into her chosen first choice uni, got the grades, and walked away from the system because she felt 'funnelled' and it was 'what you expected mum, not what I wanted'.............

Ask him what he wants - if he wants good grades, a top uni, and to progress that way support it. But you can't force it on him.

Presumably you are visiting uni's now, he is working on his statement, and knows what courses he's looking at for his degree, that tends to focus them.

But this time last year my eldests year were throwing a lot of parties believe me - they were socialising like mad - and generally they all still passed. The pressure at college racks up slightly before christmas.

kazd

He said that I am interpreting him wrong and he does still want to go to Uni and yes we are in the midst of open day visits. However, his confidence has taken a slight knock as he tells me that he has gone from one of the top in top sets for GCSE he is now at the bottom. However, he is now in the elite set and he is with the best of the whole school, what I cannot get him to understand is that he has taken a massive jump to A Level and he needs to study. Of course I don't know what I am talking about, I didn't get my O levels or do A levels etc. Yes but thats because I chose to play hard rather than work hard but do I regret it now. You bet I do.

I keep telling him what a good time he will have at University. He has also said he likes the idea of leaving home and branching out on his own. I am on the verge of telling him that he will be doing that either way because if he fails his A levels it will be because he hasn't put the effort in because he is capable. I am on the verge of telling him if he fails he is out anyway.

Don't know when we find out what his predicted grades are, fairly certain he will be predicted B for Biology. He also told me when he got his results in Aug that his Maths tutor is still talking about A possibly A* for Maths and not sure about Further Maths, B possibly A. However, these are only attainable if he puts the work in.

I had thought of taking a look at the average salary and doing him a financial statement to show where his money would go if he needed to rent etc. Bearing in mind of course the average UK salary would take several years to get to.

19lottie82

I'm another one for switching the internet access off when he is supposed to be studying. I know myself, how easy it is to be distracted by the web when you have work to do.

I know he is “almost an adult” but I really think you have to put your foot down on this one, perhaps help him set up a study timetable and ask him to leave his phone downstairs while he hits the books? It’s for his own good in the long run.

balletshoes

a couple of points jump out at me from your last post OP - don't use UK average salary at all when considering the "if you only earn this much, this is how much it costs to live" discussion. Use National Minimum wage (for over 25s), because this is a much more realistic figure. I don't know where the national average salary figures come from to be honest, every time they come out I'm thinking "where in the country are these the average figure, because its nowhere near that round here".

Also, are you suggesting if he doesn't study and doesn't get the grades required to go to Uni he's out the door? What if his plan B as it progresses includes him getting a job, getting an apprenticeship etc, and starting to pay board? Would he still be out the door?
If you are thinking like this, I can't help but think you're just adding to the pressure on your son at the moment.

19lottie82

kazd wrote: »

I had thought of taking a look at the average salary and doing him a financial statement to show where his money would go if he needed to rent etc. Bearing in mind of course the average UK salary would take several years to get to.

Exactly. Best to do it w NMW, as that is what he is likely to earn at the start if he drops his A Levels. I HAVE a degree and have been working for 6 years, and I earn a bit less than the "average UK salary".

Show him 1/3 (or whatever) of all the household bills that you will expect him to cover, and let him see what he is left with. I'm guessing that it will be less than he is getting at the moment from working 3 nights a week.

Ask him how he will expect to get nce things in life that he enjoys like nice clothes, expensive phones, laptops, holidays...

CH27

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you cannot make him study. He has to want to do well of his own accord.
If doing worse than forecast didn't give him a kick up the bum then you nagging won't.

Judith_W

Just to say that it is dangerous to 'baby' him too much in terms of 'making' him study. This is how my cousin was treated when he was doing A-Levels and it stopped him learning how to motivate himself. He ended up dropping out of Uni part way through the second year because he kept failing exams and doing rubbish essays - expensive mistake. At least A-Level re-sits are much cheaper and help focus the mind!

Wicked_witch

I feel for you so much! Your son sounds exactly like mine. He decided to leave school after his AS levels (decided before the exams, so made no effort and got 3 U's). Having spent 4 weeks on JSA, he's enrolled back into college today, having realised that the real world is not just going to hand him a job and a future.

Like your son, he's always been one of the good kids, but we just could not get it into his head how important the studying is. Tried everything from standing over him to leaving it up to him with no result at all. Only a dose of real life has worked!

So, maybe get him jobsearching, take him to the job centre and let him see what life will be like if he ends up unemployed? Let him see that even low paid, entry level jobs now demand experience and good grades and point out how much of his jsa he'd have to give you and what it would leave for him.