My Proper DFW Diary

Lucy5781

OH and hubby put in an online order at Tesco yesterday. Spent £170 didn't he.

I don't spend that much over a fortnight in short runs to ASDA.....

Lucy5781

Now free again after my negatives. SO nice to visit my charity shops again (though one is shut for a re-furb!)

My voice is still not right. Lost it last week with Covid and right now it's still husky and if I try and stay in head voice it cracks and whispers, in chest it's possible to project and sustain even tone but that's not great. Google results point to a possible 6-8 week resolution, if you try and rest it. I hate this as I love to sing, it's one of my outlets. Can't do it properly at all right now.

Have trapped something in my tensed up left shoulder again as well though, between stress and trying maybe a bit too hard to excersize!

Hubby seems to still have some significant fatigue, washed the car and passed out for the rest of the day.

Had my first anxiety CBT intro session today as well, kind of just re-affirmed my beliefe that I have some ADHD traits. She's like, I need you to do a thoughts journal, if they are things to worry about or not, i.e. can you do anything about it right now or not etc. I sat there thinking that I won't be doing anything but writing down thoughts as my thoughts are non-stop whether they trigger me or not.... This is a complicated issue lol

Lucy5781

We're both a lot better thankfully.

Had a job interview last week, won't hear back until Tuesday (It's now Sunday), effectively 4hrs a day Mon to Fri, which would fit well around school and nursery (though she's done with Nursery by mid July!), might be able to get her 30hrs but awkward.

CBT again tomorrow, I'm not sure how well it will go tbh, if the theory is that putting aside the 'worrisome thoughts' is how to cope with it, I'm screwed. I've been dealing with everything in my life that way for literally decades. It's not working properly anymore as life now is not what it was. I have a husband, house, children, pets, pandemic, parental losses etc that were never such a sizable part of my issues before.

I know how to set them aside, distract myself, diassociate from them and I know all the deep breathing, grounding stuff, Mum learned them after her and Dad split when I was nine and she told me all about them.... 

What I have now, is not being able to stop my body physically reacting to the stress despite mentally blocking and by that point, I can't stop the spiral, the chemicals and hormones are already past control. My Grandmother had a constant supply of Diazepam for reason....

Lucy5781

CBT have discharged me and referred me for counselling instead. Not really surprised tbh. Waiting on that now, whilst having mini emotional breakdowns, flaring again (this time including the big toe pains that point to Gout, which was suspected a year ago). More bloods due in two weeks and an inperson apt with GP five days later, to also investigate what seems to be an Umbilical Hernia starting.

Chased up my almost 4yro's audiology referral, she can't hear a damned thing most of the time, especially if she's got any sinus congestion.

Still on hold with the bank to try and regain access to my online banking, they only unlocked my website access last time with the phone app still inaccessable, since then the website has locked me out as well. I can get a balance at a cash machine or on the phone but no way to make transfers to people or between my two accounts.

Didn't get the job I interviewed for but, now we're less than six months from almost 4yro starting school, trying to get work to fit her nursery hours or to qualify for 30hrs is kinda redundant, so, will actually look into possible self employed part time stuff that can be done at home, companies with research work like Lionsbridge and Appen.

Need to update my provisional license ready to start learning to drive again and my passport (still in my maiden name, married almost seven years now....) as well as getting photos and applying for the kids pictures (which also requires a haircut for 5yro).

Lucy5781

Lucy5781 said:

CBT have discharged me and referred me for counselling instead. Not really surprised tbh. Waiting on that now, whilst having mini emotional breakdowns, flaring again (this time including the big toe pains that point to Gout, which was suspected a year ago). More bloods due in two weeks and an inperson apt with GP five days later, to also investigate what seems to be an Umbilical Hernia starting.

Chased up my almost 4yro's audiology referral, she can't hear a damned thing most of the time, especially if she's got any sinus congestion.

Still on hold with the bank to try and regain access to my online banking, they only unlocked my website access last time with the phone app still inaccessable, since then the website has locked me out as well. I can get a balance at a cash machine or on the phone but no way to make transfers to people or between my two accounts.

Didn't get the job I interviewed for but, now we're less than six months from almost 4yro starting school, trying to get work to fit her nursery hours or to qualify for 30hrs is kinda redundant, so, will actually look into possible self employed part time stuff that can be done at home, companies with research work like Lionsbridge and Appen.

Need to update my provisional license ready to start learning to drive again and my passport (still in my maiden name, married almost seven years now....) as well as getting photos and applying for the kids pictures (which also requires a haircut for 5yro).

Nothing further from wellbeing team about counselling as yet but now on an axienty course with the schools health team, better than nothing.

Chased the audiology referral again, GP thought it was sent in August 2021, Audiology had not recieved it, the asked for it to be resent today and now they have it, they think they'll be able to see her at the end of next month, she'll be four by then and a primary place confirmed.

Finally sorted my banking app access, after about four months of trying. 40mins on hold.

Two days after this post school asked me to collect the 5yro early as he was coughing at lot (spike in cases in their class and staff off sick with it), didn't think he had it after being home with us having it in February but, immediately positive result on LFT at 2.15pm. This was a Wednesday, as day 1 and with 3yro not having nursery on Thursdays and Fridays anyway we basically had a four day weekend. The rest of us all tested negative (pretty sure 3yro did have it when we did in Feb, wasn't so sure about 5yro at the time tbh) and thankfully 5yro's day 5 & 6 tests were negative also, Sunday night and Monday morning so he was good to go back into school and very keen for it too even after enjoying several days gaming with Daddy!!

I'm currently due on and feeling rather physically yuck and mentally awful, very panicky and emotional. Borderline intrusive thoughts about everything and I seem to have lost the ability to plan more than about a fortnight ahead for anything, which is not like me and I think is a result of lockdown restrictions, it's not nice.

Lucy5781

Honestly.

The following week DD (almost 4) had a sick bug and by the end of it my Dad got rushed back into hopsital with like DVT, they were talking about amputating his foot.

Ten days later, he's still on the ward, heparin treatment doing well and so far, foot intact etc.

IN the mean time I had a migraine on the Tuesday then gave myself food poisoning the following lunch time and spent the Wednesday night on the benches in A&E as I wrenched my, already weak, stomach mucsles so hard vomiting that I almost passed out. Went from 15st 4lb Monday to 14st 11lb Saturday.

Whilst still keeping eyes open for work and money options, the realistic facts are that DD only has this coming week and 12 more weeks after Easter at nursery before summer holidays followed by starting school so, barely five months now. Working will be much more feasible from mid September to put it bluntly. Both kids in school full time.

Never thought I'd have the luxury of being a SAHM right up until my youngest started school, that's for damned sure.

Lucy5781

Honestly.

SO, unfortunately despite best efforts, my Dad has now had his left foot amputated. This, whilst obviously is difficult, has some upsides. It actuallly makes the financial requirement of my Step-mum's five year spousal, right to remain, visa (due in like June) redundant, with him disabled and her now receiving carer's allowance, that part is now easier to process.

Once he's done physio and had prosthesis fitted etc, as it's it's left foot, he can still just drive an automatic car, no need for an adapted vehicle.

DD turned four, and her place at DS's school was confirmed a few days later, she can't wait to start school. Day before being due back after the Easter holidays DS had a 12hr D&V bug so missed his first day back.

My body is just turning to !!!!!!, I've been on Naproxen and CoCodamol for over a week as all these germs from the kids have just flared me up again but I'm struggling to fight something off whilst also having TMJ pain and now I have an abcess on one of my horrific teeth. Tomorrow I go to the dentist for the first time in about four years and it's not going to be nice.

We are apparently in phase of 'getting worse before it gets better' which I hate but, have to deal with. I feel exhausted and crap and the borderline intrusive thoughts have started again. My head feels so physically fuzzy I can barely focus half the time and the rest of it I hurt like hell, the exhaustion of constant pain is awful, and due to the teeth and jaw pains, I can barely eat either. Which might be a good thing, but the sensory aspect of eating is normally a calming thing for me when I'm stressed so, not great in that respect either.

Rambles a bit more mentally.

Lucy5781

SO...

I'm now minus one tooth, and as uncomfortable as that was, things are much better overall though with hayfever kicking my but I still feel a bit rough. Did a sensitivity testing and apperently I now need to exclude egg from my diet. 

Have an in person interview tomrrow following a phone one last week so, see where that goes.

Kids have the rest of this week, two weeks then half term then a final run of six weeks and they'll be done for the summer. DS will finish his first year and primary and in September DD will start hers and OMG is she ready, even she tellls me on Thursday or Friday(when she's not in) that she needs another day at nursery!!

Lucy5781

So, last weekend Dad went into to hospital for checks as he had about 48hrs coughing up blood. All checks showed nothing immediately serious and it stopped of it's own accord so he was discharged thankfully.

I got the job I interviewed for last week and started this week, I'm doing 10am-5pm Mon, Tue & Wed so where Hubby works from home Mon and Wed he's doing those school pick ups as normal and where he's on visits on Tuesdays the kids are doing like an hour's after school/nursery care before he gets them and takes them dance class.

Though my DD would now qualify for 30hrs free childcare, the nursery doesn't have a space and it would mean she'd swap group/teacher as well anyway which, only half a term away from transitioning to primary school, would be a bit more than I'd like her to endure tbh.

Before minimal tax and pension contribution it's like £85 a day so, I'm good on that sense, we will review doing an additional day or not once DD is fully started at school in September.

Lucy5781

And another three months has passed.

Dad is now all good with a prosthetic fitted, went straight out to try starting his car! Battery was flat of course.

Work is fine, money ok. Might keep to the part time hours for longer but on different days as a combination of our childcare needs and the company finances being tighter (fuel, energy costs, import costs etc) mean it makes more sense on both ends not to bolt me to full time immediately. Still to be confirmed.

DD starts school a week tomorrow, same day DS will turn six!

MY health has been awful since the heat and having some dental work done, over two months on Co-codamol and Naproxen and still in daily pain, especially in the mornings. I do however finally have an appointment with Rhuematology in October which I had to write a really pointed email to get, basically stating that they gave me an ultrasound on my hand a year ago then nothing, no follow up, nothing.

The brain fog is real, not sure how I'm even typing this tbh.