Should i propose and how?!

cottonhead

Well if you have been together and happy for 13 years that already longer than a lot of marriages which is a good thing and so seems like there is no reason not to get married. However that bit of paper can change how people behave. Some people suddenly feel a bit boxed in even though day to day life isnt any different and it makes them different. For that reason I would rather know that he really wants to and isnt just put on the spot or says yes to please you. Surly better to be single and together than risk loosing him. I know that sounds dramatic but worth a thought. After 13 years if he hasnt asked I guess its not that important to him. That doenst mean that he doesnt love you though. I know a couple been together 26 years now and never married !
So becauase I am a bit careful I would ask his opinion rather than propose. Hope you get the desired outcome !

SUESMITH_2

i would just ask him how he would feel if you asked him? i wouldn't do the big proposal thing. if he says he would be happy if you asked, just ask him. if not, you can then ask why not? and only you can decide what to do if he says no.

good luck!!!

sarymclary

I know exactly how you feel! I've been with my OH for almost 10 yrs, and we are both in our mid 40's. I have been married before, but he hasn't, although had 2 lengthy relationships previously.

When we were initially together, I wasn't at all interested in getting married again, for various reasons, but primarily because we were only just together. Whilst we didn't exactly talk about it in terms of our relationship, I think I definitely got the message across that I wasn't looking for marriage, just a good, honest relationship. We didn't live together until we'd been dating for 6 years, which was prompted by me asking for it to happen, and stating that it felt as if we'd been together long enough for it to feel right to me, and if it wasn't right for him, then we knew the relationship wouldn't progress.

Fast forward 3 years or so, and in the meantime he's been best man at his friend's wedding, and we've been asked so many times by friends when we might get married (even my youngest children have asked us to), that it was getting a bit embarrassing. He has introduced me to colleagues in the past as his wife, or they have asked me if I'm his wife, and on these occasions I have corrected him/them and pointed out that he didn't actually have the honour of calling me that... yet! A bit tongue in cheek, but actually I was a bit upset too. He explained he'd said it to ease complication, and saying I was his girlfriend felt odd, considering our ages, and partner sounds like we're solicitors (or in a civil partnership).

Eventually me feeling miffed, turned into resentment, and I really started to get wound up about it all, whilst he was blissfully unaware, apart from me being a bit snappy at times. It really got me thinking that if we weren't getting married, what did that say about the depth of feeling between us? I wanted him to show me that full commitment, and go that extra mile to make a public declaration that he wanted me to be just his.

It left we with a bit of a conundrum, rather like you, how do you broach the subject? So, after a shopping trip, parked on the driveway, I just blurted it out. I think he'd asked if I was a bit fed up, as I'd seemed out of sorts, and rather quiet. I was fed up, and so I told him how I felt.

He was stunned, to say the least. He truly believed I didn't want to get married again, and was happy to just be as we were. He said he had genuinely thought about it over the years, but felt a proposal wouldn't be well received by me, or doubted how I would receive it. He had said things over recent years about 'at our wedding we'd have ....' (various things), which had actually aggravated me feeling fed up, as it was like he was taunting me with this pretence, when he wasn't actually prepared to go through with it. I even came out with the line: 'well it'd be no use if you proposed now, because I'd obviously have to say no, as you'd only be doing it because I'd insisted!' God, how difficult was that making it for him?!

So, that was earlier this year. He has said that he will propose, but obviously it doesn't feel right to do it until some time has passed, so it doesn't feel like it was a knee-jerk reaction. Funnily enough, some people I do regular events with for my work, begged him only 3 weeks ago to propose to me (they're unaware this situation had taken place), which was somewhat awkward. He was a bit bemused afterwards, and reflected later 'I wonder why they want us to get married?' Men just don't get the whole romance thing sometimes.

Oh, and the irony is, that my ex proposed to me after we'd only been dating 14 days!! From the sublime to the ridiculous.

So, my advice, is to take a deep breath, and broach that awkward subject. Chances are, he's not even thought that much about it, or he may be under the impression that you simply weren't that interested in the whole idea. Interestingly, my best friend, when I told her about our difficult conversation, remarked that she had also been under the impression I wasn't interested in getting married again, so there you go!

Panda78

Just catching up with more replies, thank you.

Cottonhead, i do agree that after 13 years, it seems that marriage is probably not that important to him and that in itself is not a huge issue, i would just like to know where i stand for the future. As you suspected, i would rather be with him than without, as we have been happy so far.

Sarymclary, thanks for sharing your situation. A lot of what you said rang true to me too and i think my OH has also just presumed that i'm not that bothered by marriage, as i have left it so long before talking about it.

We should be getting some photos soon from my brother's wedding, ordered from the photographer, so that could be my chance to "casually" enquire as to whether he would ever like us to get married!

pogofish

Every woman who proposed to me later turned out to be a basket case/controller and the relationship ended shortly after, so I'd tend to go for "first strike" and ditch her if it happens again.

Maybe you should keep dropping hints and having chats about "long term" plans and desires till he gets the message and finally pops the question to you.