Should i propose and how?!

Panda78

Would love some advice here please, especially from women who have proposed or men who have been on the receiving end!

I'm 33, female and my boyfriend is 49. We have been together for 13 years. He was recently divorced when i first met him, so marriage was way off the cards and i had no interest in it during my 20s, so it wasn't discussed.

Since turning 30, i've felt a need for more security and would like to feel more settled, which i think i will get through marriage. The question is, should i propose and how? Do i go for the big "will you marry me?" or just bring up the issue in conversation and ask if he would like to get married?

Neither of us are romantic and he's not the grand gesture type of guy.

Thanks for any advice.

System

Drop hints... big ones!

londonsurrey

Sort out in your head what you want, and what you are willing to do/give up if he says no or prevaricates.

fluffnutter

Unless you like to live dangerously, it's always worth knowing that someone's likely to say 'yes' before you put it out there. Personally I'd talk to him about your wish to get married, particularly as he's 'been there, done that'. Have you thought about what you'd do if he says 'no'?

Ideal scenario - one quick conversation, he gets the idea, then takes you away somewhere fabulous and proposes whilst you're enjoying a lovely meal and champagne. Job done

Panda78

londonsurrey wrote: »

Sort out in your head what you want, and what you are willing to do/give up if he says no or prevaricates.

That's what worries me. After 13 years where i have made no issue of marriage, it seems silly to make it a dealbreaker now, but i admit i would be very disappointed if he said no.

LEJC

So if you raised the question and the answer was "no" or "arn't we happy with how things are?" ..... how long will it take you to get over the dissapontment?....or is it a deal breaker?

Panda78

fluffnutter wrote: »

Unless you like to live dangerously, it's always worth knowing that someone's likely to say 'yes' before you put it out there. Personally I'd talk to him about your wish to get married, particularly as he's 'been there, done that'. Have you thought about what you'd do if he says 'no'?

Ideal scenario - one quick conversation, he gets the idea, then takes you away somewhere fabulous and proposes whilst you're enjoying a lovely meal and champagne. Job done

Thanks, that would be perfect! I actually hadn't thought of starting the conversation with "I know you've been there before but....", that could be an "ice breaker" as such.

I dropped a hint recently and my brother got married this year, so i thought it might have been on his mind as well. Perhaps not.

londonsurrey

Panda78 wrote: »

That's what worries me. After 13 years where i have made no issue of marriage, it seems silly to make it a dealbreaker now, but i admit i would be very disappointed if he said no.

That would be a very natural reaction.

If marriage is what you want, then it's as good a time to find out as any what his views are.

This is a bit brutal, but if there's a part of him still "waiting for someone better", then it's better you find out at 33 than at 43.

tea_lover

Panda78 wrote: »

Neither of us are romantic and he's not the grand gesture type of guy.

Appeal to his pragmatic side - point out it's easier than making wills.

londonsurrey

tea_lover wrote: »

Appeal to his pragmatic side - point out it's easier than making wills.

And tax breaks in event of death!

BTW are you already named on each others' pension plans? That's important. I was widowed at 38. Believe you me, marriage and paperwork matters in the aftermath.

Panda78

LEJC wrote: »

So if you raised the question and the answer was "no" or "arn't we happy with how things are?" ..... how long will it take you to get over the dissapontment?....or is it a deal breaker?

It's not a deal breaker, but i'd be disappointed, because our relationship has lasted longer than his previous marriage did anyway.

I wonder if as he's nearly 50, he's past thinking about marriage, particularly after a bad one, where as i'm now at an age where it has now become important.