is he pulling the wool over my eyes??

bargainsneeded

Ok please no trolls just advice thankyou,
I have been married over 10 years not all those years were happy my husband was a very big cannabis smoker yes i knew this when i married but assumed when house kids came along it would be one of those things you do when you have no responsibilitys but he continued and after a number of years we split, after aprox 12 months he says he realises how selfish etc and has given up the weed forever, cut down on the beer and will be a better husband father etc. I tend to have full control over cash etc in the house but over the last 2 years there has been the odd occasion when i have either smelt weed or found a little plastic bag that weed comes in etc etc all these have been met with your paranoid or your controling etc etc, it esculates into massive arguments with me feeling guilty cos hes given up everything for us and im accusing him of this etc. But recently a couple more things have made me susp and today i have found a little plastic weed bag in coat pocket and yes it did have weed in as the smell is one you cant mistake. i am unsure how he is funding this or if im going mad what i would like is some advice and does anyone know if there is a clinic or similar where i could have a drugs test done so once and for all i can have peace of mind i feel like im being sent mad.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Why would you need to bother?

He has weed. You won't tolerate that.

So don't faff around, as he'll still lie about it if you walk in and he's got a giant spliff in his gob at the time.

Do what it is you wish - no drug testing is necessary.

Tiglath

Sounds to me like he's still smoking it, having previously said that he's stopped. On what grounds has he given up everything for you? Does he not have access to any money of his own? Perhaps this is his way of feeling he has control over some part of his life? Personally a bit of weed wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me (although neither DH nor I indulge), but lying and all the arguments might well cause me to pull the plug - only you can answer that.

victor2

Either you accept he's using the stuff and live with it, or you face another big row and give him an ultimatum to stop or leave - but you have to be prepared for him choosing the latter.
It doesn't sound like he's pulling the wool over your eyes so much as not doing it in your face. He'll find a way to get it if he wants it, no matter what you do.
As already said, no need for a drugs test if you have found the proof, and I don't suppose he'd agree to one anyway.

verysillyguy06

He has you on a 'guilt' trip? Let me make something clear: He has given nothing up for you ....did he not want any kids? It takes two. He has knotted you and you need to step back: You know the smell, you found the bags....

All is pretty clear

Tiddlywinks

Shouldn't this all boil down to... do you want a drug user as a partner and father to your children?

No? Well, he won't change... so - put up with it or get shot - your choice.

Tropez

Obviously, he's still smoking weed. You said it yourself, it has an unmistakable scent to it. Had you smelt it once or twice that could have simply been lingering scent on his clothes as it can hang around for a while but finding the bags and now the actual weed is rather conclusive in itself.

He may well be getting little bits from a friend for the odd spliff. Even if you control the finances, surely he has access to some money with which he can buy it? It isn't exactly expensive. Or maybe he's even growing his own somewhere?

krlyr

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

I'd have multiple concerns. Firstly, no matter what anyone else's views on cannabis are, he knows you disapprove and that it is a dealbreaker in the relationship. He knows it isn't acceptable or he wouldn't be hiding it or denying it.
Secondly, he's not just lying about it but trying to blame you, too. He could have said "Oh sorry, that was my mate's" or "A mate was smoking it next to me" - but to actually go out of his way and swing it all back to you and make you feel paranoid/crazy is a totally different ball game IMO. I've seen what it did to my mum, my dad had multiple affairs and tried to convince my mum it was all in her head (nearly succeeded) and that can do far much more damage to your self-confidence and state of mind than a simple "It was someone else" lie. He had my mum constantly second-guessing her own state of mind, and it takes a manipulative person to do that and feel OK with it.
And thirdly, with him not getting any money from you for it, I would be concerned at how he is funding it. Does he have a secret job or method of funding this? What is he doing or selling? If things haven't gone missing around the house, is he stealing off other people? Or has he borrowed off people, will there be a debt problem here rearing its head?

I agree with the suggestions that no drugs tests are needed here, even if the results came back positive, I imagine he would deny it, claim they're inaccurate and so on - that's what this kind of liar does, my dad denied or hid his latest girlfriend as long as he possibly could, I turned up to his flat only to be told right before I walked in the door that the girlfriend was living with him, and I later found out that he had told my older brother that the girlfriend was pregnant by some other man - on the day she gave birth he 'fessed up to my brother that he had a new half-sibling!
You've found some pretty undisputable evidence and with his history, he should be doing everything he can to prove he is innocent, his actions of spinning it onto you just make him look more guilty in my eyes. Move on, he's had his second chance and blown it, don't give him a third. May be easier said than done but if you can realise what he is and not give him any chance to think of any new lies or excuses, you can start to move on with your life.

Tiddlywinks

http://www.talktofrank.com/drug/cannabis/?&gclid=CI7nqNvOy7ICFYXJtAod_V0Akg

Read this: do you want to live with this? How might it impact on your life and that of your children?

Is he working or driving under the influence?

no-oneknowsme

OP , I gather that he is still telling you that he is not smoking the weed?

You mention going to a clinic to have him tested so I gather that he is saying that he is willing to be tested to "prove you wrong"? My thought is that he is telling you he is willing to be tested as he thinks that you wont actually go ahead and arrange a private drug test!

Call his bluff! Go onto Ebay and search for cannabis drug tests. They are roughly £4 for a pack of 5 tests and they are just as effective as any expensive test which would be done in a clinic!

A friend has a teenage Son and she used the tests on him to prove that he was smoking weed.

The only thing is....theres not much point in you testing your OH unless you are willing to do something about it if/when he tests positive!

If you make empty threats of leaving him/asking him to leave if you find out he is still smoking it then really testing him is nothing more than a waste of time .

Tiglath

Just re-read the original post and saw that there are kids around, which I missed on first reading - in that situation it would definitely be a dealbreaker for me.