Is my 5yr old daughter being bullied at school?

Madmel

I think a quiet word with the teacher is a good idea, if for no other reason than the changes in your DD's behaviour.

When my DD1 started school at not quite 4.5, she was tiny, wore glasses and was very quiet. She was a wonderful reader, loved maths and had started to learn a musical instrument. I was quite worried about her as the children we had met at the pre-school were loud and boisterous and did not seem to like the same things as DD. The teacher had DD summed up on day 1 [she was a wonderful teacher!] and told us that she was going to pair DD up with a child also in Reception, but who started the previous term. This was another quiet girl who lacked confidence but was a great athlete.

The two became firm friends, although had their ups and downs over the years. The friend left the school at the end of year 3, but we stayed in touch and saw them infrequently. I gave the friend some tutoring when DD was studying for her 11+ exams and the bond was still there. Now they are at completely different types of schools, DD is very academic [but can turn a mean cartwheel thanks to friend] and friend is on a sports scholarship at a public school but they chat away on the phone or facebook and this is 9 years down the line. Although at the time she was not very experienced, that teacher spotted what each child needed in those early months and it worked out brilliantly for both.

Give the teacher the chance to try to work things out, both in general terms as has been suggested already and perhaps by encouraging your DD to widen her circle of friends. September is a nightmare for class politics / friendship issues, but they do normally sort themselves out.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

I also went to a girl only school. I was also a teacher and, later on, a school governor.

I've seen it plenty of times.

I went to both all girls and mixed sex schools and have seen it too. (and later in the workplace too).

Its teachers and parents who refuse to acknowledge this, often favouring the 'popular' girls and viewing them through rose coloured spectacles that perpetuate this behaviour.

cottonhead

We had a bit of this. One minute so and so is the best friend and then they never want to speak to them again and then the next week they are best buddies and then you dont hear them mentioned for months and suddenly you get an invite to their party...... It is unpleasent but especially with girls, they find their 'pecking order' to a degree. Often little groups form and one more dominant person will want to control the games that are played etc if another group member moans that they dont want to play that game they might be pushed out the group just for that. It could also just be showing off or a little power trip for the other girl that she gets to say who plays with who. From what you say it doenst sound like bullying , more like kids learning how to operate friendship groups. 5 is still really young to manage those dynamics but I agree that a little word with the teacher would be a good idea. She can then keep an eye out or ask the plaground leader to watch what happens and let you know. Chances are it will pass very quickly. I wouldnt question your daughter too much though. Just give her plenty of attention and let her know you are always there to listen and help her. If you talk about it too much it might cause more worry and make it worse. Also could the bed wetting etc be for another reason ? Perhaps she is worried about the actual work at school ? For a while my son used to kick off and not want to go to school. Took me ages to put 2 and 2 together that it always happended on the same day each week - handwriting day !! Once I realised we talked it through and practiced more at home and now its not an issue.

Threebabes

Ive two girls and what your are experiencing I find is the norm unfortunately. I would also speak to the teacher. Keep her updated all the time. You may find it blows over but its horrible at the time. Never had any of this with my son, its definitely girls :-/.

daska

AlisonHarrison wrote: »

Not in a girls' school I haven't.
The girls who are popular in the long term do tend to be the nicest girls.
My daughter went to a girls school.
My friend is a teacher and she also says this.

The girls school I went to must have been unique then. IME girls are sneaky and cruel, boys are generally far more upfront. (I'm a girl)

asandwhen - I would have a word with the teacher. They can approach it by doing a social story with the class. No naming, no blaming, just educating the whole class about the effects of it, then they can keep an eye on it and see if it continues.

AlisonHarrison

daska wrote: »

The girls school I went to must have been unique then. IME girls are sneaky and cruel, boys are generally far more upfront. (I'm a girl)

I think it must be me that is unique from what I am reading! I saw none of that. Or else I had my eyes closed the whole of the time.
The only thing I did see with my daughter's school was a new girl came. Lots of the parents invited her round to play with their daughters so she got to know everyone. The girls made sure she was invited to all the parties. Complete and utter pain the girl was.
She left after a couple of years because her mum said all the girls were being mean.
Obviously I am in the minority because most of the girls in my daughter's school were lovely to each other. Maybe though, it was just the ones she was friendly with.

daveyjp

Its a girl thing! By year one they know each other and the "alpha females" are trying to make their mark. We had the same last year (year one) with the strong characters deciding who and who not others should spend time with, be friends with, getting the weaker ones to do nasty deeds to others for them etc.

Our daughter was affected but after words with the teacher and some direct intervention with the stronger characters all was fine and now our daughter has her own circle of friends and the problem child rarely gets a mention.

DevilsAdvocate1

AlisonHarrison wrote: »

Upsetting as this is, I don't think this is bullying.
So your child's friend doesn't want to play with any more, well that is the friend's choice to do this. She wishes to close down the friendship. Again, her choice, her right to do this.
I hate to sound harsh but your daughter must try to find someone else to play with.

I'm sorry, but this attitude is naive and makes me a bit cross. My son was bullied in year 7 and my best friend basically said the same to me when I explained that we were going to the school to try to sort it out. My friend felt that we should leave it alone as it must be my son's fault if no one wanted to be his friend. She even said, you can't make them like him.

The thing was, they did not give my son a chance. They would stand in a circle around him chanting "die, die, die" while pointing to the window.

We went to the school and they nipped it in the bud and I think that is what is needed here too. No one deserves to be treated like that and my heart goes out to your daughter. It is horrible when children try to control friendships of other children.

Good luck with speaking to the school. My son's school was fantastic. He has just gone into year 10 and is happy with lots of friends.

Where_You_Working

My daughter has had problems like this, please tell your teacher your worries, mine has just changed school they have a buddying system, where older children help out in the playground, seems to work very well!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

There is also the change in teaching between Reception and Y1. The change can make a happy child reluctant to go to school or wetting, quite easily.

Why not have a chat with the teacher before you fix on bullying being the only thing? And if it's an informal chat, the teacher can look at more things than purely responding to allegations of bullying.