Travel to access son who lives with my ex wife

Sput2001

Hi there,

I'm looking for the opinions of divorcees with a child/children who live with their ex.

My ex wife and I split around three years ago, and since then we have roughly split the travelling when I get to see my son on alternate weekends – usually meeting at a half-way point for drop-off and collection. We try to be flexible on this when the other party needs it, which in practice in most cases has involved me taking my son all the way to, or picking him up from, my ex's house.

It's around a 70-mile drive, mostly on the M6.

My ex has now decided that she can't afford to do this any more, saying that as it's usually the non-resident parent who does all the travelling anyway, then it's now up to me to do all the driving.

Is this right? Is this usually the case? We're trying to be amicable about this, but I want things to be fair for both parties.

From what I can tell, our incomes are roughly the same.

Any thoughts welcome!

NewKittenHelp

If you want him, you drive to pick him up, and if she wants him back, she can drive to pick him up.

heretolearn_2

It's nice to meet half way if it works but I think it's pretty unusual. Mostly I've heard of the non-res parent collecting from the child's home. My stepsons now live an 80 mile round trip away (after mum moved) and he collects them. My ex collected our son with a 200 mile round trip (after he moved).

Is there a reason she can no longer meet you half way? Time/money/work etc. It's all very well saying your income is about the same but her expenses are higher paying for your child (even if you are paying maintenance I think non-res parents forget to think about all the total costs and just consider the child's food/clothes, not the share of bills/school trips/cost of birthday parties/odds and sods etc.)

I'd also say an element of this is - who moved? If you chose to move 35 miles from your child then I'd say it's your responsibility to sort out the transport. If the mum moved the child away, then she should be a bit more helpful.

Alikay

I'd be inclined to see the journey time as a bonus: you get an extra hour in the car with your your son, and as most parents (particularly of teens) know, you often have some of your most valuable chats in the car .

Rightly or wrongly, I agree with your ex wife: In most cases I've known, the non resident parent does the picking-up and dropping-off.

whitewing

NickMidgley wrote: »

Hi there,

usually it's the non-resident parent who does all the travelling anyway, then it's now up to me to do all the driving.

Is this right? Is this usually the case? We're trying to be amicable about this, but I want things to be fair for both parties.

!

That is what our solicitor told us approx 5 years ago.

From our point of view as resident parent, we have to get him to school each day (20 mile round trip as we're in a rural place). We also have/choose to take him to birthday parties and other social activities, hospital appointments, Doctor's appointments etc. It all adds up in terms of time/organisation/monetary cost.

daska

Another one here who's solicitors (at various times) have confirmed this. Despite what people may want or believe should be, or think is morally right, it's the NRP who is expected to do the travelling. DS1's dad did 800 miles (4*200, we both moved and he preferred the extra miles to driving into London LOL) I did 400 mile weekends with DSD before we got the residence order. It's the norm.

daisiegg

My OH lives 200 miles from his daughter and every second weekend he travels up there, picks her up, stays in a hotel with her for the weekend, drops her home Sunday afternoon and travels home. Her mother doesn't even so much as bring her to the train station to meet him after he's been travelling for 3 hours.

I think this seems pretty standard. I'm not sure if it makes a difference that he is the one who moved further away. He gets tired and it costs a few hundred pounds twice a month but doesn't begrudge the travelling.

downsizer3

I'm happy to drive my DD to my ex or pick up depending on whats practical- 50/50 seems fair to me. If he moved 70 miles away I'd probably expect him to do the lions share of travel.
If it was she that moved away I think its only fair that she shares the travelling with you.
In response to previous post about doing the school run etc - I do all that - no maintenace or anything - but for my DDs sake its important she sees her dad - but then I'm not travelling very far......maybe I'd see it differently if I was........

kingfisherblue

My ex moved away, so he comes up each week to see our lads and his family. I drive the lads to his parents house and he drops them off at home afterwards. This makes his drive home a bit longer, but he chose to move to the Midlands. I stayed in the North West with our children.

He has never asked me to take the kids down to him, or to meet him half way. I would, as a one off, but more to benefit the kids than him. I wouldn't do it regularly though.

bylromarha

My poor brother in law has to do a 600 mile round trip to see his son.

It cripples my sister and him financially, but it is the only way that they'd get to see the now 6 year old as the mother is a ****** who moved away from all her (and her sons) family and friends in order to move in with a guy she'd met 3 months previous on the internet. Relationship never worked, but she never moved back.

Sis and BIL can only afford to do the trip when son is staying at their house for more than a week - no day trips/weekends for them.

BIL does the trip in a day as he can't afford a night in Travelodge too. Leaves at 4am to avoid the traffic, gets back home with his son around 7pm after a long single track A road and 4 motorways.

It really could be much worse.

Foggster

Sometimes, we know what is the expected thing to do i.e. NRP doing all the driving but I have always viewed it what the sensible thing is to do i.e. share the journey. The reason I think this is because normally NRPs are having to drive long distances, after a long week at work, busiest evening of the week (Friday) and then having to turn around and come back again.

From a total sensible point of view, taking into account someone having to do hell of a lot of driving and probably feeling tired, surely its sensible for the journey to be shared?

I know we used to do this and it did make a huge difference. Even helping towards the cost of the exes travelling was better than an extra 3-4 hours on the road.