Real-life MMD: Should we speak up about lunch arrangement?

Former_MSE_Debs

Money Moral Dilemma: Should we speak up about lunch arrangement?


We meet regularly with friends for lunch and the arrangement’s always been that the host supplies lunch and the visitors bring wine or dessert, but lately our friends have suggested going out to a pub for lunch when it’s their turn to host and expect us to 'go dutch' on the bill. So, if they come to us, we pay (supply the meal), yet if we go to them they take us out to a pub (no shopping/cooking for them) and we have to pay half the bill. Should we say something?

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Note: Please remember that these are real-life Money Moral Dilemmas and while we want you to have your say, please remember to be nice when you respond.


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MisterMotivated

I suppose it depends on how much you spend on the food and how much your visitors spend on the wine/dessert that they bring. Unless there's a significant difference, then I wouldn't say anything.

If you feel strongly about it, why not also suggest going out to a pub when it's your turn?

scotsbob

Find a couple of places that deliver, then next time your friends come around hand out the menus, phone through the order and get them to stump up half when the food arrives.

* PLUS, serve on paper plates and you save on the washing up.

lordra

Paper plates really do send a message. This happens to me all the time. I've learnt to play the part when it comes to it. You're being nice out of the goodness of your heart. And if your kindness is met with this behavior, then tit for tat would be a bit harsh for someone like you; believe me, I know how much more trouble it is to cook for someone - its going the distance.

So what I suggest is this:

1. Take them to the pub at least twice so that they start to wonder what's going on.

2. If you can get the men to talk between themselves, then try to sort it out like that. Men are simple creatures, and if you're good friends, just a direct question will solve all future heart ache.

3. Even if they bring wine/dessert, its deffo not a crate or something that costs anything over £5. And its readymade; that loses hands down. If they take the trouble of making it, then its equivalent reciprocation in some form at least.

4. Or go with scotsbob without the paper plates.

henrypartridge

Get some new "friends."

nigelld

Honesty's the best policy just tell them how you feel. True friends will accept it

mr-tom_2

nigelld wrote: »

Honesty's the best policy just tell them how you feel. True friends will accept it

I agree entirely.

However, I would do this with the cheekiest of grins and make it a light hearted tease. If they don't feel threatened, you're much more likely to hear the truth and keep the friend.

Do remember, there are a load of reasons they may prefer the pub; maybe things have been tight recently, home maintenance hasn't happened and they're ashamed of how it looks.

Alternatively, maybe they are free loaders.

mr-tom_2

scotsbob wrote: »

Find a couple of places that deliver, then next time your friends come around hand out the menus, phone through the order and get them to stump up half when the food arrives.

* PLUS, serve on paper plates and you save on the washing up.

That's a genius idea. Turn it into a curry night!

newpuppy

I was trying to imagine the conversation when the pub idea was first suggested. Was great emphasis put on 'going Dutch' or did that just dawn on you later?

I wonder what prompted the other couple to suggest going to the pub instead of cooking the meal themselves. Perhaps lunch has gradually evolved from a quick spag bol into something grander that needs time and money to achieve, which may be too onerous for the other couple and more hassle than they want in their lives.

Maybe the other couple are on a diet now and can't face a full meal with wine at lunchtime. In the pub everyone can choose how much or how little to eat.

Whatever, the new arrangement doesn't have to be forever. After a couple of occasions you could bring up the subject again and put your own views more forcibly perhaps.

PasturesNew

Without figures it doesn't make sense and it's not really clear what the issue is.

When they come to yours and bring wine, maybe they spend more than it's costing you to give them a dinner.... so when they choose the pub and you split the bill you need to compare that cost wtih the wine you'd have taken.

PeteW

Next time just say "we can't afford to eat out at the moment, can't we just have lunch at yours'?.