Grief / nightmares & generally coping

samf1971

Just wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I can get some decent sleep and stop having terrible nightmares.

My mum passed away quite suddenly in November, I wasn't there at the time so didn't witness anything upsetting.

I'm generally day to day ok, still have moments when I just break down etc and have a very loving husband thankfully who helps through these times. I have no father (he passed away 17 yrs ago) and my siblings don't speak to me and havent for some time - as you can imagine the funeral was difficult to say the least.

Anyway, ever since I have had terrible nightmares and just can't think how to go about helping relieve them, and even what they mean/why I have them
they're all on a similar theme, death, funerals, I dream about my ds (16months) going missing and also losing him (not in the dying way but misplacing him)

If anyone has any help to offer then I'm all ears as I'm at the end of my tether with it all, it's making me feel awful, my self esteem has gone down, my sex drive is non existant and confidence is at an all time low

Thank you for taking the time to read the post, as I said, any help would be appreciated.

quietheart

Sorry to hear you lost your mum so suddenly. It sounds like you are grieving through your nightmares. Your brain is trying to adjust to your changed life. You must be feeling so drained. Have you spoken to your GP yet?
Sending hugs and hope it gets better soon.

cobbingstones

Hi Sam,

I'm so sorry to hear of your lost. xx

I would expect that your dreams are reflecting your emotions, dreams I've read are our own built in therapist. You have experienced a great lost in your life and by dreaming about your son going missing is the dreaded thought that you will lost someone else close to you.

Could I advise that you make an appointment with a counsellor that deals in beareavement? Such as CRUISE for example? What you have experienced sounds awful as well as the trauma of the funeral as well.

wishing you the best and a good night's sleep,

MM x

samf1971

Thank you for your kind words and responses.

I've not been to GP as my main concern is that he'll put me on Prozac, I suffered with depression and terrible migraines a few years ago and the GP put me straight on Prozac and sent me away, I hated it I felt much worse on the drug but the GP just said that there wasn't anything else he could do for me.

victory

samf1971 wrote: »

Thank you for your kind words and responses.

I've not been to GP as my main concern is that he'll put me on Prozac, I suffered with depression and terrible migraines a few years ago and the GP put me straight on Prozac and sent me away, I hated it I felt much worse on the drug but the GP just said that there wasn't anything else he could do for me.

The doc maybe could not help anymore but CRUISE could or a bereavement counsellor or any person who deals with loss, there are many charitable organizations that dedicate themselves to helping, listening and none advice prozac.....

shaileytuff

please see your GP, i had similar negative thoughts (although not because someone died, my dad disappeared) and it started in a mild manner, fear of losing children eg and then it esculated til the point i seriously thought hubby or kids would die eg in most graphic of ways, gp gave me pills (which i didn't take) but also got counselling free on nhs and this really helped give me coping strategies it never goes away but you learn to cope and rationalise your fears

please help yourself and see gp
sending good vibes

inkie

Hi

I lost my mum suddenly (not there either, when she passed away) 8 years ago this year. At the time I had a 3 yr old and a 9 week old. I notice that you too have a little one. I found my HV a tower of strength, and so could you speak to your about what's happening - for help in its own merits, but also for referal to other services. Cruise too is a great help as already been mentioned. It was about 3 years, before I got to a manageable stage with my grief (this was due to delayed grieving due to looking out for everyone other than myself at the time). Things will get better - it's still very early days, but please share this with someone.

With my thoughts and prayers

Inkie

pavlovs_dog

well i guess my first suggestion would be to see your gp, explain your problems, but explain about the problems youve had with medication before and ask about counselling available. you can always refuse the drugs.

from a practical point of view, make sure you allow yourself time to get ready for bed (not easy with a little one i can imagine)! the body thrives on routine, especially where sleep is in the question. try and get into a pattern of going to bed and getting up at the same time. dont eat to close to bedtime, and avoid caffine after 6pm. they also recommend no tv for the hour before your bedtime to avoid overstimulating the brain. have a nice relaxing bath (lavender scented bubble bath is good for sleep/relaxation), put your jimjams on, crawl into bed, and take 30-60 minsfor yourself. read, write a diary, cross stitch, sew, do suduku. whatever you need to do to wind down. the diary idea in particular may help... if you get your thoughts out before you turn in, hopefully they wont haunt you at night.

dont feel bad about grieving for your mum. its perfectly normal, and something you need to do to come to terms with things. it might help if you do something to remember her by - plant a tree in her honour perhaps, or even a special plant in the garden. you can always think of her when you see it, and remember the good, happy times. perhaps it might comfort you to have a picture of her in a prominent place around the house, or you may feel this makes things harder for you, and is to be avoided. there's no right or wrong answer, just be guided by your feelings.

perhaps a reconciliation with one or all of your siblings might help you deal with your grief (you dont mention why you dont speak, so apologies if this was a very insensative suggestion).

take time, grieve, and try to remember the happy times. it will get easier, it just takes time xx

samf1971

Thank you for such sensible advice, I always maintain a bedtime routine for my little boy and it's so simple to follow but I ignore it for myself.

Ellie2758

Is your GP part of a larger practice where you could perhaps see a different doctor?

I've had sleep problems for years and currently survive thanks to temazepam. However, it is addictive and GPs will normally only prescribe for a week or so. Under the circumstances I wonder whether they would do that for you, just to try to get you back into a sleep routine. Is the problem that you cant get to sleep, that you wake up early, or that the nightmares disturb your sleep? Even if you do get the sleeping tabs yu may still need to deal with the nightmares. I think the idea that others suggest of contacting CRUSE is a good one. Also, GP surgeries sometimes employ counsellors. However, I think you may be better off seeing one who specialises in grief, i.e. from CRUSE.

Justie

so sorry to hear that Sam

first off grief is natural and is your mind's way of coming to terms with loss. Dreams are often where we do a lot of sorting out but also where we let go of a lot of the control mechanisms we use to get through the day. Wanting security or fearing further loss is very normal after a death as all the emotions are very raw. It will get better but won't necessarily ever go away. Dreaming of misplacing your child or your child dying is perfectly rational given what you've just been through and isn't anything to worry about. You may find that if you talk about the dreams or write them down then it helps you to relax about it and helps to knit the conscious and unconscious mind together a bit more.

It is said in bereavement counselling that the worst period of grief is often 2 years for an expected death and 5 for a sudden or traumatic death so be gentle with yourself. I found that when my dad died this was pretty accurate, I still miss him and still have my moments when it's just too much but the day to day draining ache and raw emotions did ease.

As has been said your GP is a good place to go or speak to CRUSE http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ they have useful information on their site too. Many churches also have grief counselling if that is any use to you. The thing to do is not to suffer in silence. It's also good to understand that you're not only grieving for your mum but for all the other people you've lost previously (and possibly even for the lost relationships with your siblings) so it's going to be hard.

Because you're spending so much emotional energy just trying to cope with the grief you won't have much left over for yourself or to be able to think about sex. Talk to your OH though about how you feel and belive him when he says you're beautiful and that he loves you, accept the love he offers in his hugs and support and it will get easier to think those things of yourself.

The main thing is to be gentle with yourself. Take time out when you need it and get help from anywhere that you feel able to take it. Everything you're going through is normal. It doesn't make it any easier but it helps to feel less like you're losing the plot to know that you're not the only person to ever feel this way.