debt is ruining my marriage!

Heffi1

An idea might be to have the kids stay at a friends house, relatives over night one night and take the bull by the horns and talk to him until he listens, it will be frightening for him too, and I bet he knows what you are going to say as well. If the kids are not around then you can talk freely without having to stop mid sentence so they don't hear you.

Make a plan together that you both can agree to and take it from there. I agree about the CCCS debt remedy, get the figures together and show him the full facts, not might be's or maybe's.

Once it is down in black and white, ask him how he thinks it could be solved, as he may already have been thinking about it and stress that this is a partnership and you both take equal responsibility for it.

If he is not willing to do his share, then you have to think hard about what debt belongs to whom and make your choice based on what you can reasonably expect to pay back for yourself.

Stress this point that if he does not make an effort to do this then all debts will be split and you will leave him to manage his own finances and the fall out that comes with burying his head in the sand.

Hugs as I know it is not easy right now, but getting a handle on it will make for a better nights sleep.

ETA: I didn't mean leave him, just let him manage his own finances oops.

chevalier

Hey sorry I misunderstood about you not working.

Don't leave it to the end of the month, in the next 13 days you could have
change down mobile phone providers
changed gas and electric providers,
checked you are on the best mortgage
checked you have the cheapest and most appropriate insurance.
sold you car
took an inventory of the stock cupboards
done a proper SOA so you can start paying it back now.

So DON'T WAIT!
:Dchev

thistle9

I havent quite got my head around using this forum yet and just made a leap and logged on and i am really glad i did Thanks for all the support.

I have taken on all the advice and i am going to get this sorted once and for all. I have no idea what we pay to these cards/loans and what rates etc but after a quick discussion with hubby this afternoon, i now have a new debt i didnt know about which is a £5000 overdraft and another one at £700.....as if it couldnt get any worse!!!

I have orgainised for the kids to go to mums tonight and we are going to do the SOA. This has been agreed by OH. I will fill it in as best as possible now, i dont think my OH keeps records or anything about finances so we will have to go from our bank statements. We dont have a shared bank account, is this a good or a bad thing??? He pays all the bills and i pay for the month living costs such as shopping, clubs, clothes etc. I never know what is happening and thus never feel in control.

Where do i post the SOA when it is completed? i am sure i will figure it out when i get time to browse the site but if anyone can let me know this would be fab.

I have cried my tears and now it is time to take action. Thanks so much for all the support, I am very scared at how long these debts are going to take to pay off but i am ready to face up to them now. Thanks soooo much x

md69

My marriage of 49 weeks ended because my wife was a compulsive spender, and still is. I hadn't realised the extent of our debts as I was too busy with the job I had between getting married in Jan 2011 and the end of October when I decided that the best option between being made redundant, being offered part-time hours or going self-employed (ironically, my ex-employer is my biggest customer), was to choose the latter.

After I did that, I was even busier with my job. I expected a lean couple of months as I only get paid on 30 days like my customer's other suppliers, and sure enough, direct debits were getting returned left, right & centre. Not the best thing to happen in the run up to Xmas, although we'd already set a fixed amount that we would spend on each other & our kids (I have one living at home and another living with his fianc!e. She had two living at home and one living with her first husband).

When we met 12 months prior to getting married, she told me that she'd been declared bankrupt some 2 years earlier. Never having been faced with that situation before because I'd always had a good credit rating, owned my own home, paid all my bills on time, etc, I wasn't really aware of how bankruptcy affects you. I don't know anyone else who has been in that position.

When she moved in with all three of her kids, she brough utility debts with her, which I was aware of. I "lost" a lot of money when she moved in, as I'd previously been entitled to widowers allowance as my first wife had died 10 years previously. However, we decided that the money I'd lose would be replaced by her (part-time) wages, plus she got semi-regular overtime. It didn't seem as though there would be a major problem.

Perhaps I was blinded by love after having been on my own for so long. I don't know, but hindsight makes me think that was the case. With the Xmas limit set, her 9 year old daughter announced she wanted a Blackberry. She already had a bog-standard mobile which she used to keep in contact with her dad, and also had internet access at home to keep in touch with friends via email, Facebook (despite being under the legal age limit, which I've now corrected by having her account closed down 3 times) and Skype. In my mind, a 9yo does not NEED a BB, and I put my foot down. She got a new phone which was a BB look-a-like, but of course it didn't have BBM (despite only one of her friends having a BB).

We'd never rowed in all the time we'd been together, until 3rd Jan this year. It wasn't over money either; it was a family matter. 4 days later, while we were on holiday in Center Parcs, when my eldest and her middle daughter were having a (justified) row, she got up, took her 2 daughters with her, and I didn't see her again for 9 weeks. I couldn't contact her as she'd wangled her way into a women's refuge, despite me never having raised a finger to her in all our time together. I had to email, text or speak to her sister to communicate.

After she sent me a letter saying she wasn't coming back, I had to look at things very closely. When a letter arrived in the post, addressed to her, but with my bank sort code in a small font above her name, I got a little suspicious. I could feel a card in the envelope, so I opened it. As a bankrupt, she couldn't have her name on my account, but was allowed a cash card as an authorised user. She had her wages paid in so I gave her the card.

The bank had sent a DEBIT card out. In her haste to leave, she'd not taken her cash card, and when I queried it at the bank, she'd rung the customer service centre to ask for a card. She had no intention of paying more money in (she'd already changed her bank details in work), yet knew that there was going to be money paid in and was going to try and bleed me dry.

That got me looking into things a bit deeper. I found out that 2 weeks before Xmas, she'd pawned her engagement & wedding rings; I found the receipts in a handbag she'd left behind. I also realised the full extent of my debts - £25,000. All in my name as her name wasn't on the bank account and credit card account. I had to make changes, and fast.

My bank were very helpful, and put me in touch with the Consumer Credit Counselling Services who put me on a debt management plan, whereby they take any surplus income left after paying the necessities: gas, electric, water, TV licence, council tax, and they also give you an "allowance" for various categories each month - food, fuel - stuff like that. They also dealt with my creditors, and they distribute that surplus income amongst each one of them. It's going to take me 15½ YEARS to pay the debts off. She lived under my roof for 16 months...

I found a couple of her credit card statements that she left behind. She managed to get a card off one of the companies that specialise in helping people in her situation rebuild their credit rating. Her initial limit was £500, but she'd increased it to £1500 without telling me (in contrast just before she left, I told her I was decreasing my own card limit), and was already over her limit. She'd also been withdrawing cash on her card, and also my credit card. Money that she either gave to her workshy daughter who couldn't be bothered getting out of bed to sign on, both while she lived with us, and after she moved in with her dad. Also, by comparing my credit card statements to her own, it looks like she was taking money off mine to pay her own.

3 weeks after she left, she got her daughter a BB. Her daughter "posted" on Facebook "Yay I've got a new BB and it's so cool!!" but the problem was that her daughter was in school at the time she posted it. My wife had obviously logged into her daughter's account knowing that I'd see the post, but being too stupid to not realise what time of the day it was.

I know that since then, she's accrued several thousand pounds more debt. I also found a court summons that she didn't attend (it was for the day she moved in with me) for unpaid council tax for the whole of the 09/10 tax year. A phone call to her own council, giving them her new address sorted that one out. Also in that call, I told them how she'd lied about her eldest daughter moving out when she was 18, so she could claim single adult occupancy, not only for the remainder of the 08/09 tax year, but also the whole of the 09/10 & 10/11 before she moved in. Her middle daughter turned 18 near the start of the 10/11 tax year too, but my wife was still claiming single adult occupancy for the whole of the year. They both lived with her before moving in with me. I made sure the council were aware of that.

I also told them that her eldest daughter moved out in April 2011, to live with her dad (who was living alone at the time). I told them that I was sure that he wouldn't have informed the council that she'd moved in, and gave them that address too. I also found an unpaid water bill for the whole of the 09/10 tax year. Again, I told them of her new address.

She's dragging herself deeper & deeper into debt. Me? Well I'm working my fingers to the bone, working all the hours I can, to get my debts paid before the 15 years is up. My work is seasonal, so when I've been able to, I've paid more as I've had more surplus income.

I was largely debt-free from leaving home in 1987 up until 2010 when I met her. The two years after that have been a financial nightmare for me, but I sure as hell am going to make sure that the next 15 won't be.

I am 100% certain that when her current bankruptcy period expires, she will declare herself bankrupt again. All her credit card & catalogue debts will be wiped out and she will start all over again. Meanwhile, mugs like me and you are "paying" for her out-of-control spending as I'm sure credit card companies, catalogues, etc build a small percentage into their prices for all their customers to cover people who go bankrupt.

I wish I'd never met her...

carslet

F*** me MD69

i got into trouble because of a woman but nothing on that sort of scale, but i wish you well in your goal, i am sure you will make sure it never happens again, it will never to me, take care

Heffi1

OMG MD69, you are definitely better off without her and I am glad you found out so soon into your relationship, I dread to think what it might have been if she had not left you at CentreParcs that day.

Hugs because you need them and also good luck on getting things back on a even keel again. I hope this won't put you off finding someone else again in the future, women like her give us all a bad name.

She should be ashamed of herself, but I bet she sleeps very well at night.

YORKSHIRELASS

thistle9 wrote: »

but i cannot let go of these things for fear of people thinking that i am not good enough.

Oh hun, this was me too a few years back. You have to change this attitude, you really do. Unless you get your head around living within your means you will sort the debts and just run them up again.

I am proud now to buy value stuff in the supermarket. I hold my head up and say yes I drive an old car, my house needs money spending on it and we go camping for holidays. But you know what? I am paying off my debts and not living on credit any more and I dont give a stuff what anyone else thinks.

I manage for my kids to do some clubs and activities. I scrimp and save and buy on ebay so they get Adidas and Nike stuff like their mates. Sometimes I have to say we cant afford things and thats hard but thats the reality of it. Its a balancing act and it means being very clever but its not impossible.

I really really wish you luck. You have found that having the nice stuff for appearances really doesnt make you happy and I know you can move forward from here.

md69

carslet wrote: »

F*** me MD69

i got into trouble because of a woman but nothing on that sort of scale, but i wish you well in your goal, i am sure you will make sure it never happens again, it will never to me, take care

Thanks Carslet. I never will get into that situation again. No more credit cards - if I don't have the money, I can't spend it. A lesson learned a very hard way, unfortunately..

md69

Heffi1 wrote: »

OMG MD69, you are definitely better off without her and I am glad you found out so soon into your relationship, I dread to think what it might have been if she had not left you at CentreParcs that day.

Hugs because you need them and also good luck on getting things back on a even keel again. I hope this won't put you off finding someone else again in the future, women like her give us all a bad name.

She should be ashamed of herself, but I bet she sleeps very well at night.

Thanks Heiffi. If I'd found out about the rings sooner, she'd have been kicked out. She wouldn't have needed to walk. Luckily, because of the short length of the marriage, and the way we'd had our wills written last year, she's not entitled to any part of the house. The endowment paid it off when my first wife died, and our wills stipulated that the house was for my kids and my kids only if I died first. She had the option of buying the kids out, or shipping out, within 3 years. There was no way she was going to deny my kids what is rightfully theirs.

People have asked why I didn't notice she wasn't wearing her rings. Her engagement ring was slightly too big and we were going to get it altered. It was always "in the bedside cabinet". Like hell it was... Wedding ring? Well you don't look at your wife's hand every day to make sure she's wearing it, do you?

My aim is to get out of this debt in between 6 & 8 years. I've had a bit of good news this afternoon which will help me financially, at least in the short term, but hopefully (probably) longer.

I know she's in a very small minority of women, but for the foreseeable future, trust is something that I couldn't put in a woman. Not when the last woman that I loved could do what she did. Who could be so desperate for money to pawn the two items your husband gave to you to show his love and commitment for the rest of your lives? I didn't even bother pawning mine. I just went out and sold it.

Ashamed? She won't admit it, but I know she is. I wrote her a letter after she'd taken all her stuff, telling her quite a few home truths. Stuff that at our one & only meeting between leaving & collecting her stuff, she'd tried to hide from me. I knew the truth, and she knows it. She'll never admit it though. I mailed one of her friends and the reason she gave me for leaving, and also the money situation, is not what she told her friend. So what did she tell her?

I saw her once around 2 months after she'd left. She'd been to the bank; I think she'd gone to ask for a loan. If that's the case (and I'm fairly sure it is), she was turned down. As we were on opposite sides of a pelican crossing, she couldn't look me in the eye. She's also not been able to look any of my friends in the eye who she knows and have seen her. She knows that what I've told my friends will be the truth. She's too embarrassed to look at anyone. Me? When I saw her, I had my head held high and a smug grin of satisfaction on the inside knowing that while I'm going to be paying for her spending for the next 15 years, I'm doing something positive about it. Unlike her who is just borrowing more and more.

Sleep at night? I doubt she does, or at least not very well. She's realised too late what she had, and what she's lost. Well tough sh*t. She should have thought of that a long time ago. Her loss, not mine.

One day I will be able to trust a woman. That day is a long time off though, I think.

Heffi1

md69 wrote: »

I had my head held high and a smug grin of satisfaction on the inside knowing that while I'm going to be paying for her spending for the next 15 years, I'm doing something positive about it. Unlike her who is just borrowing more and more.

Keep this in mind if you should ever feel down, you will get there and the satisfaction of doing it on your own will empower you, the hurt will go over time.

She will wake up one day and realise the mess she has made of her life and you will be long gone and onto better things.