debt is ruining my marriage!

thistle9

I am hoping someone will give me advice as to where to start dealing with my debt please......

My and OH early thirties and have two children 13 and 9. Husband used to have good job £40,000 year and company car. I stayed at home with kids......happy times!!!

We bought our first family home for £52,000 in 2000 and sold it in 2008 for £130,000, good return. we decided to buy another house at 165,000 and put down 25,000 deposit. We also decided to buy a flat to rent out and paid a deposit of 25,000 to this. we then paid off debts like my car, solicitor fees, credit cards and furnished the house with the rest!

I hated the new house! We bought it because we were outbid on everything else so began looking at houses that we would never dream of looking at previously. Anyway, as i didnt like the house i constantly spent money getting it looking perfect so i might like it. Knocking down walls, replacing windows and racked up a good 10,000 quid in debt in the process. Then my husband decided he wanted a career change, as he was not happy! He went to university to do a post grad even though i was not working at this time and was a student also!!! WE EARNT NO MONEY DURING THIS TIME, something that i still cannot get my head around!!! This was three years ago and this is where we have collected most of our debt from:

career development loan £8000
student loan husband £4000 (1 year)
Student loan me £18000 (4 years study)
credit card £10,000
credit card £6,000
credit card £5,000
car loan 10,000

All these loans ar rediculous rates as we have swapped the debt around so much we now cant get 0% balances.

We needed to move house again last year to get our oldest into a better high school and as we couldnt afford to do this, we decided to rent out our home and rent another one in the area that we wanted. This was basically a straight swap money wise and i do love this house and as it is rented we spend no money in DIY or decoration which is a good thing for me.

The money we earn between us, which is 34,000 and the rent we recieve in from flat £250 a month doesn't even cover the bills and expenses and the debts are rising daily!

My husband likes to burry his head in the sand and pretend it does not exsist and i think i am going to have a nervous breakdown over! I just dont know how to pay it off with no spare money.

This is what i am thinking......I want to be rid of all the debt and start a fresh to save my health and my marriage. Would it be wise to sell both my properties, not that they are worth what we paid for them but could try and clear off as much of the debt as possible. Would this be wise or am i going insain thinking this. Thanks

Tommymax81

Well done for taking the step to post. I hope that you find this site as comforting as me.

I am also in my early 30's and trying to get rid of debts. I know the stress and worry that it causes only too well. I am no financial expert hence my current situation but I can give you my perspective...

If I were you I would be seriously considering selling at least one of the houses to make a hole in some of the debt. You are young and there is plent of time to reinvest in another property later on when you are sorted.

Is remortaging an option? I know that the general concensus is not to make an unsecured debt a secured one but this is a route that I would take if it were possible. You would need to be disciplined though as I know of people who have remortaged only to rebuild the unsecured debt later on.

Is you husband aware of how much debt you are in?

I wish you all the very best

TM81

thistle9

Hi thanks for replying. My husband is aware he just doesn't deal with things openly and shuts down when we discuss our debts. I think he feels responsible and cant cope and when i get frustrated and angry about it all, and then i blame him for this mess to make me feel better : (

We cannot remorgage as we dont have enough equity so this is not an option. We have discussed selling the flat in the past but we got scared and thought it might be another stupid decision to add to all the other ones we make.

I am worried that we might not ever be able to own a home again if we do this but then again we feel we cannot provide a decent life for our children in this situation either......soooooo confused and down i cant think straight. cheers.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

Welcome to the boards - you will get a lot of good advice and help here.

The first thing to do is to identify all your income and outgoings. So start with a SOA (Statement of Affairs) - link below. Try and fill it in as accurately as you can including all debts, minimum payments, APR's.

http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalchelp.html

Once you do this you and people on here will be able to get a clearer picture of your current situation, and can make suggestions accordingly.

If you're not able to identify where all your cash goes on a monthly basis, then keep a spending diary for a few weeks or months noting down everything that you spend money on from the really small things that cost pennies all the way through to the really big things like the mortgage payments and everything in between.

HTH

D9

chevalier

Good luck with sorting this out. Do you know just how much a month you are short? If not that is what the SOA is for. To give you an accurate figure.

You mention that you were a SAHM can you now work as your children are older. Even evening work to fit around your OH?

Oh and he doesn't get to bury his head in the sand either. It is unfair if you BOTH got into this debt and only ONE of you is dealing with it. Tell him to grow a pair and man up and help out.

Once you have done the SOA then you have something to sit down and REALLY talk to him about. And tell him how his lack of help is making you feel too.

Good luck
chev

thistle9

Ok after no sleep last night i told OH that we needed to sit down and actually work out our money situation properly and he has agreed to do this at the end of the month. My husband got a pay rise this month and we are unsure as to how much extra money this will be after taking off student loan, pension etc but we are hopeful that it will bring us out of the red and atleast even with the bills. I think we can make a start before then by keeping a diary like suggested.

I do have a job, not the job i trained to do but a job non the less. I work approx 18 hrs a week when kids are at school and i also work sessional on an adhock basis in the evenings and at weekends which brings in a bit extra. Cant say its a great wage but hey its helping.

Thanks again

rainbowstar

Hello, I read your post and just had to say a massive well done for doing it! You may not think it but it is a HUGE step forward in sorting out your debts. And sorting them out you will.
Now, you will get fantastic advice on here about how to deal with your debts so I thought I'd post you a message with a different slant.
You mentioned your children and this in particular jumped out at me. I come from a family of debt. My parents were (and still are) terrible with money. I only talk about this because I feel a some of your debt was raised because you wanted to help your kids or provide the best for them or give them a better life.
I can say without one shadow of a doubt that I would have preferred to live in the smallest of houses, received the smallest of gifts, worn hand me down clothes, etc, etc than live with my parents and their debt. Please don't think you are helping your kids by buying them stuff which is getting you into debt. It is just not worth it.
They'd rather have a happy household (without all the mod cons) than a miserable one.
Anyway, the fact that you are on here means you will sort this out. It may not be easy but boy will you feel great when it happens. And show this to your other half - it is the responsibility of you both.
Best of luck xxx

thistle9

I read your post and cried : (

I do spend an awful lot of money on things for my kids and for show. This has always been my problem although i believe it was managable and now it is not!!!

I grew up in a family where my mum and dad had good jobs and never spent a penny on us children. We had a lovely house but that was it. My parents spent all their money down the pub and we children had nothing. We never got new clothes unless it was for christmas, we never got to attend clubs because they cost money, no toys, no nothing! I remember saying to myself at a very young age that my children would have the best and i will make sure that they fit in with their peers and be happy.

My daughter is at an age where i am just constantly handing out money to her, money i dont have. I know that this has to change as she is not grateful, she just expects it!

I sit here with no money to my name and i have a brand new car sitting on the drive, a lovely large, rediculously large house that i live in and i am so miserable......but i cannot let go of these things for fear of people thinking that i am not good enough.

Time_to_face_the_music

thistle9 wrote: »

Ok after no sleep last night i told OH that we needed to sit down and actually work out our money situation properly and he has agreed to do this at the end of the month.

Hi thistle9 :hello:

Don't wait until the end of the month, try and talk him into doing it sooner. My OH never used to be interested in our debts, now he is 100% on board and is sometimes even more enthusiastic than me about being debt free. Putting off the time of discussion is easy to do and the end of the month may become the end of next month or the one after, and in the meantime your debt is getting bigger

It's a very hard thing to do, to look at everything you owe. It was one of the most painful moments of my life when we sat down with it all and realised we owed £81,306. We had guessed it at around £60K so another £20K + was not a pleasant surprise. But once you have it all on paper and start to work on a plan of attack, it does not seem as frightening any more and when you see it going down month after month, it is positively liberating. We have paid back £10,925 in 7 months, before we started this our debt crept up every month and we would make a payment to a CC or OD, then count the days until we could use that account again

You need to work out exactly what you owe and what you have coming in. People will suggest a SOA to see if you can make cuts, it's quite brutal to see it attacked but it does work, we often miss the obvious. If you feel like you can't do this publicly, do it yourself, look at anywhere you can make cuts. Then work out if you can make minimum payments to everything or if you have a shortfall each month. If you have excess, use a snowball calculator to work out the best way to pay; if you have a shortfall use CCCS debt remedy to suggest the way to go.

Most importantly, stop beating yourself up about this, it is not your fault. You should not be in this alone, do anything you can to get your OH onboard, work on it together as a team and it makes everything so much easier. I know you want your children to have everything you didn't but since we started our debt free journey, we have discovered that small things are just as important as big ones and material things can never match love. Good luck

Happytogetdebtfree

Good morning ((hugs)) dont live in fear of not been good enough one. When i first started here me and my wonderful hubby owed 77k it was a demoralising day but 4 years on ive never missed payments and i now have 38 owing and i feel good. There are loads of stories on here that provide inspiration its amazing where you can save and its amazing what talking and time can do Post an soa lets help you put a smile back on your face numbers are only numbers and there is always help avilable pull up a chair have a cup of tea and remember you will always have "friends" here

redpete

You need to get more perspective on the debts. The student loans are not like 'normal' loans, the interest rates are presumably much lower and if you earn less than the threshold you won't be paying back anything (assuming they are that type of loan). This will leave you with about £39k of other loans (plus presumably one or two mortgages). How much would you get back if you sold the flat - and how much would you save in interest payments each month if you put all of this towards the debts? Maybe you could trade in the 'brand new car' for something cheaper and raise more money towards debt.

As others have said, put together an SOA so that you can see the wood for the trees, and post it on here if you want further advice.