debt is ruining my marriage!

md69

Heffi1 wrote: »

Keep this in mind if you should ever feel down, you will get there and the satisfaction of doing it on your own will empower you, the hurt will go over time.

She will wake up one day and realise the mess she has made of her life and you will be long gone and onto better things.

I can't afford to get too down because stress can kick off my epileptic fits (which she knows and which is why I was !!!!!! off that she didn't contact me for 9 weeks). But I don't get down. I have my two "kids" (20 & 17) who are there to support me and have been total rocks since January.

As for her waking up, well chillingly, I fear it's what has caused her past marriage to end. Her first husband sent a text to the daughter that now lives with him. I know I shouldn't have, but she'd left her phone lying around and I looked through the texts. He'd said to her: "I'll give it 6 months before she's got half his house & his money. I hope it works for them but I doubt it will last". That was before we got married and I just put it down to a bitter & jealous ex (even though they'd been divorced 15 years).

I told her what I'd done. We laughed. After we'd been married 6 months (ironically, we were on our delayed honeymoon at the time), I said that it was time to leave me taking half my house & money. We laughed again. I'm not laughing now.

I think she'll either never wake up and accept what she does / has done is wrong, or she's wide awake to all the financial chaos she's left behind, not just with me but obviously before we met, and doesn't give a damn. But I agree, I'll have well moved on by then.

jayII

thistle9 wrote: »

I havent quite got my head around using this forum yet and just made a leap and logged on and i am really glad i did Thanks for all the support.

I have taken on all the advice and i am going to get this sorted once and for all. I have no idea what we pay to these cards/loans and what rates etc but after a quick discussion with hubby this afternoon, i now have a new debt i didnt know about which is a £5000 overdraft and another one at £700.....as if it couldnt get any worse!!!

I have orgainised for the kids to go to mums tonight and we are going to do the SOA. This has been agreed by OH. I will fill it in as best as possible now, i dont think my OH keeps records or anything about finances so we will have to go from our bank statements. We dont have a shared bank account, is this a good or a bad thing??? He pays all the bills and i pay for the month living costs such as shopping, clubs, clothes etc. I never know what is happening and thus never feel in control.

Where do i post the SOA when it is completed? i am sure i will figure it out when i get time to browse the site but if anyone can let me know this would be fab.

I have cried my tears and now it is time to take action. Thanks so much for all the support, I am very scared at how long these debts are going to take to pay off but i am ready to face up to them now. Thanks soooo much x

Good luck Thistle, at least you should know the full extent of the debt now and can begin to tackle it.

I'm not sure about where to post the SOA, but people seem to just post it in their current thread or start a new thread (so the SOA is at the beginning and easier for people to see.

I'm sure that between you and your husband working together and the support and advice on here, your debt will soon look much more manageable.

Sending lots of positive thoughts and good luck.

letmefree

Good luck MD69. Back to the original post...

thistle9 I know things will look really bad when you sit down and look at all those numbers. But keep strong and start tackling those debts.
There are loads of great tips on this site from changing suppliers on utilities, haggling down costs to general money tips.

Don't waste any time in starting on your debt free journey - the sooner you start the happier you will be.

Complete your SOA and people will along to give you some great advice.

Good luck.

rainbowstar

thistle9 wrote: »

I read your post and cried : (

I do spend an awful lot of money on things for my kids and for show. This has always been my problem although i believe it was managable and now it is not!!!

I grew up in a family where my mum and dad had good jobs and never spent a penny on us children. We had a lovely house but that was it. My parents spent all their money down the pub and we children had nothing. We never got new clothes unless it was for christmas, we never got to attend clubs because they cost money, no toys, no nothing! I remember saying to myself at a very young age that my children would have the best and i will make sure that they fit in with their peers and be happy.

My daughter is at an age where i am just constantly handing out money to her, money i dont have. I know that this has to change as she is not grateful, she just expects it!

I sit here with no money to my name and i have a brand new car sitting on the drive, a lovely large, rediculously large house that i live in and i am so miserable......but i cannot let go of these things for fear of people thinking that i am not good enough.

---

This is an upsetting thing so don't beat yourself up about it. Just remember there is a way out of this and you are on your way. The big thing to remember here is: WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU. I think deep down you probably know this anyway. The most important thing here is you and your family.
At the end of the day, your personal finances are nobody else's business but - In this age of recession, almost everyone is feeling the pinch so nobody thinks twice when they hear of someone downsizing their house/car, etc. Furthermore, you can respond to any nosey people with such things as 'this house is far too big for us - i'm sick of cleaning it' or 'this car is so uneconomical/bad for the environment'. The point is - it really doesn't matter!
It's sounds like you have lots of things that can be changed/improved upon that will help your situation a lot straight away!
And getting rid of your debt/not spending above your means doesn't mean a depressing life -
Just keep thinking of the happier future you and your other half will create for your family when you tackle the debts. Just keep thinking of how your kids will learn the value of money and how to appreciate things. Just keep thinking of how you will no longer have that heavy weight on your shoulders, that dark cloud following you around! It will be great!!

downsizer3

When my ex and I split - I held onto the house for a while ( despite being on an interest free whopping mortgage and a far too big house for me and DD) because I wanted to keep it to a) show the world that I could manage and b) keep the 'lifestyle'.
Nearly a year of being terrified of bills / maintenance and generally living on the edge with a shaky job to boot, I decided to sell up.
Thankfully I was able to buy a smaller place with my remaining equity but I can safely say that I no longer care what anyone thinks. The relief is so great in having (almost) no debt and a managable lifestyle - whatever happens - that I wonder why I had ever wanted all that in the first place.

Its very hard to let go of all that you used to want and your aspirations - but living within your means and sleeping at night with less stress makes for a much happier life - worth it ten times over.
You're on the right path already - good luck.

thehappybutterfly

Thistle - it is hard when you feel like all the good things are being 'taken away from you' like your new car, houses etc. Yes on the face of it you look like you're very comfortable but you're right - it's all show and I can say this because this is the way it was for me. We had no reason to build up debt when we were first married - we had just bought a house (just a 3 bed terraced but for a first house? Quite bloody good really) - was it good enough? Nope. I was embarrassed to own an ex-Council house so I was determined to have a brand new £10k kitchen, new carpets, brand new £2500 leather suite, brand new £5k bathroom - all this in the first year and this was in 1995 so expensive for the time. I really wished I'd waited and saved like normal newly weds do but that wasn't good enough for me. And so began the slippery slope into sky-high debt and it was all to maintain an 'image'. In reality, nobody gave a monkeys what my house/car/bathroom/kitchen looked like - it was all in my head. This went on for the next 15 years.

3 years ago, I'd decided to get a new car. Why? Because I was embarrassed to be driving a 7 year old car. What a snob. So, we traded in and took on a brand new car although it wasn't ours - it was one of those PCP deals where you pay monthly then in 3 years you have the option of upgrading, handing it back or paying the final payment. Great - a new car! I was finally a winner........

2 years after that our debts and minimum payments had spiralled out of control and we entered into a PTD. Our house is safe because there's very little equity, the car was never ours so it was safe although we have to hand it back and leave with nothing. And now we're looking at buying a car for less than £2000. I'm dreading having to explain to people why we've gone backwards and bought a 10 year old banger although I know it's nobody's business but our own. So, all this determination to maintain an image has got me nowhere but one step away from bankruptcy.

Yes you have a lot of debt but there are solutions. It's fantastic that you're on the case and dealing with it. I really hope you get your husband on board because it's not easy when only one of you is doing the scrimping and saving - just ask my hubby! He's been trying to save us from debt since day 1 - it just took me a little longer to get there (18 years!).

Good luck!

PS I've sent you a PM.

ETA : I've just read Downsizers' post and I completely echo what she says about not caring what other people think. The priority for us now is to pay the debt and NEVER get anything on credit again.

olivia84

my boyf and i have been together for 16 years - and have always been in debt. our last 'purchase' was a £27,000 Ford Focus RS!! it was a beutiful car and we loved it; but my oh has a company car and i work 2 miles from home!! we sold the car and paid off our debts (at their highest around £40,000) we have decent incomes (although we know no job is safe right now) our priority was to be as debt free as possible incase the worst happens.

i now run about in a £900 2002 fiesta - and i couldn't be happier! no more sky high petrol and insurance costs, no more worrying about the tiniest little scuff on the wheels or scratch on the paintwork, and i can honestly say, hand on heart, i now do not give a flying monkey what anyone thinks of it! i know there will be people who think "ooohh she had that lovely big car and couldn't afford it" but stuff them - they're right! i like to think that folk might think more of me for now not being so materialistic and actually being responsible and probably envy me for being debt free now.

my point is -when it comes down to it, people actually do not care or even think about what you have. if they even give it a second thought then it is literally a fleeting moment, and is it really worth having a shed load of debt for the odd person to have a momentary "oohh they have a shiny new car - lucky them" - then go about their own lives??

live your life for you - no one else - and good luck!! it's actually quite nice not to have to keep up appearences.

xx

Heffi1

olivia84 wrote: »

"ooohh she had that lovely big car and couldn't afford it"

They are probably wishing they were as honest with their debt as you, if they were, a lot more people would be driving about in older cars. There is absolutely no shame in what you are doing, you still manage to get where you need to get to in your older car, and you do not have the burden of the expense of it either.

We have been told that we can have it all right now, take credit, pay it off later, but when later gets here we do not know how to pay it back.

Can you think back to your grandparents time, do you remember them ever having anything on credit. I don't, it was considered shameful to have anything on credit as that meant you were not successful...how times change.