Tracing biological father

Barcode

Hey,

Thanks all - much appreciated, so many questions, so I'll try to answer them all in one post.

(1) Friendsreunited/Genesreunited - useful for ruling a few people out after they said "no".

(2) No name on my birth certificate. I do have his name, but as pointed out, a d.o.b would make things a lot easier.

(3) Salvation army - I might try, I haven't yet. I don't trust these websites that promise to find people for extortionate sums.

(4) Social services are not involved as far as I know. As my family has had lots of dealings with them (some sibs are adopted), I made a written request for any details relating to my biological father, but have heard nothing. I've also e-mailed, phoned etc, I think next time I am back home, I might visit in person.

(5) Granddad is not forthcoming either. His view doesn't seem to be that I shouldn't know, he seems afraid of upsetting my mother. As I said, they live next door to one another, he relies on her for some help as he is getting older now, and I sort of see his point, but it's not as if she has to know.

(6) The extent of my sisters knowledge is the same as mine.

(7) I gather he was around for the first two or three years, and that my other grandparents took an interest in me. I understand he made noises about seeing me from time to time, but my mother/granddad refused, and he must have eventually given up. (keep in mind he was around 20, and a 20 ish year old is not likely to go to court ...)

(8) R.e. genetic conditions. I have nerve deafness, and there is a suspicion it is a recessive gene from my fathers side as nobody else in my family has the condition (kind of figures that I inherit a tendency to cancer from my mom and deafness from my dad! Sorry, have to see the funny side ...). I have told my mom about this, and how it would help my audiologist have a clearer picture, and that's how I got his name out of her, but she stopped short of giving me any other info.

(9) I know it might not be a happy ending, I don't expect it to be, and I'd be prepared for rejection. After all, he may be married, have a family of his own etc. But I suppose I'd like some closure, to be able to see what he looks like, to fill in a big piece of the puzzle. After that, I suppose I'm indifferent. I'm not expecting happy families, the world does not work like that.

(10) Thing is, it's too late for my mother to have any noble sentiments about "protecting" my sister and I. She was always drunk and abusive whilst growing up when I went to see her, and had the rest of her children adopted with good reason. If she really wants to start rebuilding our relationship, she could make a start by helping us fill in the missing pieces and offering an explanation.

pavlovs_dog

any plans on where you're going to start then barcode?

wickedwitch_2

Hi Barcode

I've got access to the Electorall Roll and Birth, Marriage & Death indexes for England and Wales through my genealogy subscriptions.

I'd be happy to help if you would like to send me a PM with details such as his name, approximate age and where he was from if you know.

I can't promise anything but it might give you something to work from. The only caveat is that if he has a really common name such as John Smith it could be difficult wading through all the info. And no, there's no charge, I don't operate a business I'm just genealogy obsessed and love a challenge!

Curious_George_2

we have had a similar problem in my family, my mother knows nothing about her biological father other than his name, she has never even seen a photo and its haunted her for years,
her mother is an evil old cow that wont tell her anything because he was a bigamist.
that annoys me... as the op said its not always about the partner, its about a sense of history for the children that were produced,

this has come back to me recently as i am pregnant and cant answer the family history questions thanks to that womans sheer stubborness.

Barcode

Hi PD,

I'm still not sure, the only route, other than attempting to talk to my mother again, is to go public, which I'd rather not do, but I feel that she has pushed me into taking extreme measures. It sounds like I'm blackmailing her by saying "give me details or else", but surely, you cannot have some sort of a relationship with somebody for at least two years and not know anything, that is just not believable.

George, that's disappointing. I do find it frustrating that some will deny others the right to fill in the missing pieces, because for whatever reason, they don't want to deal with the repurcussions. Most of the time, I don't think about it, but it's there, lurking in the background, and needs to be dealt with at some point. My sister has two young children now, and I think she feels it is more important to know some answers, for them, and for herself.

Curious_George_2

The thing is... he would probably be in his late 80's.... or even possibly dead now so it would be too late for any sort of meet up (even if all parties agreed to it anyway)
it would just be nice to get mum a photo, or even speak to any other family we might have.

i quite like the idea of tracing my family tree, i got all the way back to 1840 on my fathers side without really trying, so its quite dissapointing that i can only go back to 1946 on my mothers side!!

Kimberley

Your mother is being selfish, even if she hates the man, she should tell you who he is. I've just reunited my daughter with her real father after 14 years after she asked me about him.

Goodluck in your quest Barcode, hope it's a happy ending.:beer:

pavlovs_dog

from what you've said, it sounds like your grandfather could be worth a shot, especially if you could do it in such a way that your mother is blissfully unaware of whats going on.

im sure that once you've explained why you feel the need to trace him, he would not stand in your way.

failing that, make a last ditch appeal to your mother, and if that doesnt work then do what you have to do.

as a cheaper alternative to placing an advert, if there is any possibility that he or a family member might still be in the area, it could be worth approaching the newspaper, and asking if they will runa human interest story/appeal. failing that, my local rag always has letters from people who have moved away from the area but are looking to trace friends/relatives that they have lost contact with.

Kimberley

Curious_George wrote: »

The thing is... he would probably be in his late 80's.... or even possibly dead now so it would be too late for any sort of meet up (even if all parties agreed to it anyway)
it would just be nice to get mum a photo, or even speak to any other family we might have.

i quite like the idea of tracing my family tree, i got all the way back to 1840 on my fathers side without really trying, so its quite dissapointing that i can only go back to 1946 on my mothers side!!

Why not as a last resort contact shows like The Jeremy Kyle Show? I know you may want to keep things private but if times running out then a show like that are very good at trancing people

pavlovs_dog

Kimberley wrote: »

Your mother is being selfish, even if she hates the man, she should tell you who he is. I've just reunited my daughter with her real father after 14 years after she asked me about him.

Goodluck in your quest Barcode, hope it's a happy ending.:beer:

i know you and i dont always see eye to eye about matters, but having grown up in a single parent family where my father was out of the picture but not uncontactable should i have wished to meet him, i applaud you for having the balls to put your daughter's needs first, inspite of how hard it must have been for you to make contact :T