Tracing biological father

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One of the reasons I barely speak to my mother is that, despite repeated requests, she refuses to tell me anything about my biological father, claiming she "cannot remember." I believe this to be a lie, as my sister and I have the same father (confirmed by genetic tests for something else ...), and there are eighteen months between us, meaning that she must know some relevant information about him other than a name.

Anyway, a few things:

(i) How does one go about tracing somebody with just a name and possible age-range? I am a student, and cannot chase every avenue, hoping that something will turn up. I am reaching the point where I will consider taking extreme measures, such as advertising, using my mothers name, which I don't want to do, but if she won't tell me ...

(ii) Sometimes, when I call my Dad (my Granddad, but I call him Dad as I was raised with him), she grabs the phone (they live next door to one another, and are always in and out of each others houses) and starts yelling at me "you can't call him Dad! People will think there is something strange going on! You have always known he's your Granddad" and so on.

This upsets me, as first of all, it was her decision to give me up (at 5 days old so the story goes, as I was crying, so she left me on the landing at my grandparents, went out, and my grandparents were so horrified they took me in, and I've been with my Granddad ever since - Grandmother died when I was 5, so don't remember much ...), so she has lost any entitlement to dictate who I call "Mom" or "Dad". Second, she has hardly been present, and only contacts me now and then to yell at me about this issue, and thirdly, she refuses to tell me anything.

But surely, after a certain point, it is about the child and not the parent? It's not about her, it's about me and my sister who need to fill in the blanks. It's not even as if I want contact, just basic details will do, and to know what he looks like, because then I'll be able to see why in part, I look like I do. This might not sound important to others, but for somebody who has never known, it can become significant.

(iii) I wonder if it's worth approaching my mother again, hoping for a more rational response. I don't want to threaten her saying I'll do x, y and z if I'm not given the information, but I wish it would dawn on her that the issue no longer concerns her.

Has anybody else experienced issues with family when trying to trace a relative? Were you successful? What is the minimum information needed? Just venting here, if I go ahead, I think it's something to be done in the summer when my exams are over, and I'll have a bit more time.

Snaggles

Hello, it's just a thought, but if you have a name, an age range, and a rough area, have you tried Friends Reunited? Or just a Google search?

Sorry if you've already tried these options, and good luck with your search.

Penny_Watcher

Just a wild shot in the dark, but do you think they lived together at any point? Maybe old electoral roles might give you a clue.

Also on Genes Reunited there is a community message board for people searching for relatives (you might have to be a member to use it though - I don't know).

Good Luck

Ellie2758

Assume you've asked your Grandad/Dad?

freebiehunter29

http://www.genesreunited.co.uk/

http://www.freebmd.org.uk/cgi/search.pl

http://www1.salvationarmy.org.uk/en/Departments/FamilyTracing/Home.htm

love_lifer

its tricky. is there anyone who you both trust who could talk to your mum?
or is there another relative likely to know the truth? once you have a name that narrows it down. a date of birth is even better.
hope you get it sorted

pavlovs_dog

what an awkward situation (ive also never 'known' my dad, met him properly for the first time at my grandfathers funeral a few months back, so can appreciate what you're going through knowing so little about a whole other side of you family and history)

have you checked to see whether he is named on your birth certificate? if so, on the full version i believe this would give you his full name, date of birth, occupation and address at the time. this at least, is the case on mine (and you and i are not that far apart age wise).

have you expressed your wish to family members, see if anyone can tell you any further information? even a snippet could give you a lead to follow

would having a copy of his birth certificate help track him down - in light of the information it may contain about his past. see link here for more info, but basically the more info you can provide them with, the quicker and easier the process will be.

have you any inclination as to whether he is still in your home town area, or has he moved further afield? obviously this will be easier to chase up from here than from switzerland! can your sis help with the hunt? is she eager to make contact as well?

were social services in anyway involved in the situation between you/your mum/ your dad (/grandfather)? would they hold any info which might help?

do you know if he was ever around, even briefly, when you were a very young baby? would there be any reference to him in your medical records?

if he is in the local area, although it will be a very long and arduous task, if you know the name then you can check the electoral roll for contact info.

a long shot, but have you googled him? its amazing who you can find on google. assuming he'd know you and your sisters' names, dates of birth and home/birth town (if its own and the same)... and yes, this is one of those assumptions where you just never know with absentee fathers... are you online somewhere that a google search would pick you up, should he ever try googling you?

thats all i can think of for now, but i wish you the best of luck. do keep us informed - i'd love to know how you get on (ive come over all miss marple ). and even if your mother wont support you, i hope you get the support you need from your dad, sis, GF and of course here :grouphug:

kelloggs36

I was about to suggest checking your birth certificate but got beaten to it!! How close are you to your sister? Does she know anything at all? Have you spoken to your Granddad? Your mother cannot ignore your rights to privacy - can you arrange to meet him somewhere secretly so that you can speak to him on this matter?

ms_london

Hey!!

Did they split up before you were born? Or have you had some contact with him? How old are you now? Sorry for the questions....

I am now 26 and my mum & dad split up when she was pregnant with me (I think it was a case of he had an affair and my mum left him), I never met him, and when my mum met and married my stepdad, who then wanted to adopt me, they had to ask for my dads permission - I believe my dad ignored the papers or didnt respond, so my stepdad adopted me.

I was curious and then when I was 23 I was a little more curious and decided to try and find him. I knew a bit of information and I knew that he had family in the next county to us, so I did a search for his surname in that county and it listed about 4 numbers, the 2nd one I called belonged to his parents.. Half an hour later my dad had called me... It was great to speak to him, but also very confusing and a bit strange. I didnt actually tell my parents I'd made contact with him until about 6 months later.. I never met him in the end and had contact with him for a few months, although I listened to "his side of the story", I just had too much anger in me relating to why he hadnt tried to contact me EVER and how he hadnt supported my mum financially at all in all that time.

I guess you should think twice before contacting him - I can understand why you're curious, and obviously your circumstances may be different, by my biological dad has had no impact into my life now or the person I am (aside from a few genetic qualities I inherited!), and all in all it made me appreciate my step dad & step bro/sis a lot more (not that I didnt to start with, but if my dad hadntve left, my mum wouldntve met my step dad and I wouldnt be part of their family, which I wouldnt change for the world!!).

Even now I dont hear from him, no "Have a great time travelling" or even a Happy Birthday or Christmas, so it does make me wonder why I ever bothered finding him in the first place, although I know that I am not missing out on anything and wondering who/where my dad is.

I dont want to put you off, but I just wanted to share my experience with the whole thing. The internet makes it a lot easier finding someone, but obviously you need some information.

Good luck & I hope you have a better outcome than I did!! :rolleyes: xx

sarahlouise210

As you have said you and your sister definitely have the same father then it is obvious your mother does remember who your birth father is - it also seems obvious to me that she must have a very good reason for keeping it from you ..especially giving such a feeble excuse. There are many reason why your Mum may think it is better that you did not know and she may be trying to protect you. I was wondering how your mum knows you are calling your grandad "dad" when you are speaking to him..and why does she get so defensive about that when she knows he raised you? I am assuming you have no name for your birth father as if you had a name it would mean she could remember him. As it is causing you distress you will have to tell your Mum that you are considering putting the ad in the paper and that youwill have to mention her name and location to get help in your search for your father. She may not want this publicity and may tell you...it may be worth a try. Be prepared that if she does tell you , you may not have the happy reunion you may wish for ..but then again you could be lucky and he may be looking for you. I hope that if you find out who he is you will have peace of mind ..only you know your own mother and can assess what reasons she may have for keeping this from you and your sister. Good Luck

paddy's_mum

You may wish to put it to your mother that for reasons of discovering genetically linked diseases, you really must find out about your father. This very situation happened to a friend of mine. It was only when one of her children became ill, and there was a genetic link, that she discovered that she herself had been adopted as a new born.

There are implications for any children you may have if you have been kept in the dark. Your mother may be hiding 'her shame' and be reluctant to help you. Maybe he was prominent in some way and she wishes to protect him.

Unless she knows for sure that he died having no other children, you run a risk of one day inadvertently having a relationship with your own sibling!