Putting My Life Into Order

catandy

well I'm officially bored of this now - bored of having no money and no life, bored of working full time to pay the bills and every spare penny left over being earmarked to pay off the last part of development work on the software so me and ex have a guaranteed ongoing income and on top of all that im sick of just never seeing the figures on what i owe go down at all - ok i know i can start making a real hole in the balances from junes pay packet onwards but for now im just sick and tired of never doing anything, never going anywhere and always picking up the peices for other people.

woah - sorry but that just had to come out - at the moment im totally sick of all of this and wonder what the hell im doing in such a mess as this and what for.

• I know the software / company we set up will make money - it already is but I'm more than ready to start being able to take a bit of money out and not reinvest into it all the time.
• I know ex is in the process of moving out which means that my expenses in the house will drop down (not to mention my stress levels as well)
• I know the money paid to ex's older daughter will never be repaid nor will the money from the company given to his son but I do feel aggrieved when I feel I have to justify giving my sons money from my income instead of putting it into the company.
• I'm sick of having nothing for myself, I need a car for when ex moves out cos I had to sell mine to keep the roof over our heads, I want to go and visit my mom but cant afford the petrol or train fare, I need my hair cut but I cant take time off from my new self employed project to go to the local college to get it done cheaply or justify spending the money on me at a hairdressers who are open normal hours. just total rubbish really

Moneymash

Hi Catandy,

Just a few lines to say I am still following your diary. Congrats on the job. I can't believe what a roller-coaster you are on financially and emotionally. I know you are having a particularly bad day-to-day, but you are coping better than I could. Luckily for me I only have myself to worry about, but you are doing a great job juggling things.

Your comments about recognising meat carcasses in the butchers so you could be sure you weren't eating horse or donkey made me laugh out loud. As did the no longer having to bodyslam a cupboard to close it, a wrestling term I guess.

Keep going you are making in-roads and will get there. I am glad you are trying for PPI as you never know. I had success on an eleven year old loan, so anything is possible.

Stay strong and positive.

Kitchenbunny

I just wanted to post to give you some support hon. I normally lurk, so I hope you don't mind me commenting. Be strong.

KB xx

catandy

i've taken a few days out to work out where i am and where im going and what the best plan of action is with everything.

for sure we cant live as we are doing - not with the ex andI taking chunks out of each other verbally over every silly little thing going, nor can my kids live with absolutely nothing as they have been doing.

yes I need to pay for the final tranche of money for the development work on the software so I have a quaranteed income but thats in hand, I'm currently £200 short of being able to pay it in its entirety and Ive got another £100 of it due next week. Once thats paid for thats it - no more ongoing spend - the company is already covering its running costs, the overheads generated at home to run it and £640 per month on top of that pure profit - thats from the system being live 10 to 12 hours each week only. We now need to up production rates.

The loan to the family member is due May and I will have 1705 of it from my money not counting anything that the business does - add the 650 from the business for april and may to it and we are there or maybe a couple of weeks late paying it which is no biggie - its not worth me making myself ill over like i have been doing.

now to my sons and their needs - firstly they need to be living in a home with no tension hence the need for ex to get his *rse in gear and get on with moving, secondly they need to be warm and fed (both of which I've been struggling to afford). Then all the stuff they need - shoes without holes in them and clothes that havent got holes in them - originally when I did the figures for my DMP I factored in nothing for replacing any clothing or electrical goods or building an emergency pot or anything really - the figures I did with Stepchange right at the beginning gave me a food budget each month of £252 to feed 3 of us which has turned out to be totally unrealistic - my kids have got hollow legs and just never fill up. I cook everything from scratch and we dont do takeaways so this 63 per week is on real food but it doesnt last us the week so i dip into money earmarked for something else then im short on that and the cycle continues...

so plan of action put into place..

pay off the software developers this month as originally planned

pay off loan to family member next month as planned or maybe 2 weeks late when i get junes pay day.

set up a formal dmp with all my creditors again with realistic budget to live on this time plus pro rata payments to all of them - I can do this myself just as well as Stepchange doing it for me now ive got my head on straight to do it.

if ex doesnt move out as arranged first week of july get my kids to help me put all his stuff into black bin bags and throw it outside.

work and stick to budget ive worked out making payments to all my creditors as promised. chase ppi claims as necessary and look for ways to up my income, other than money from the company which should happen anyway.

DFD is worked out at about 4.5 years from now which sounds like a really long time (I was aiming for 24 months originally) and is but Im sure I can bring it down if I just start on the plan and stick to it. How things have been im close to blowing my new contract which means everything else falls to peices anyway with the worry of not having any money, not being able to feed my kids and so on - got to hold it together a bit longer and things will get better. so head down from tomorrow and make it happen

catandy

so my life maybe changing again - this new project I have I absolutely hate it - so much so that I was sat here in tears about it yesterday. Im putting in about 10 hour days and getting paid for less than 7 and still being told its all wrong and I dont know what I'm doing, what I'm doing is wrong etc etc - im getting so stressed about it im waking up in the middle of the night worrying about it which isnt the way i want to live. Ive started to look for another job - with me accepting to take just one project from the co I freelance for I've put all my eggs in one basket so they are unlikely to move me onto anything else - time to back myself up.

business with ex is picking up slowly - made £25 yesterday with no one actually using the system live :T which is the sort of earning capability i would like all the time. there's a shift scheduled for tonight so we shall see how that goes.

......................................................................................................

and now its hours after my first post as above and i just had an appraisal call regarding the new job to be told im doing 'great' so why all the hassle about all the mistakes im making? i dont know i think some people think by being really tough and rude they get better results - doesnt work for me and i dont get it at all but i guess we're all different.

anyway im going to hold on in there with this project as long as I can (and build myself an effigy of my new boss and have a ready supply of pins) or until something else comes up or i retire - whichever comes first!

catandy

had a shift with the company using the software last night and it was their worst salesperson so didnt expect a lot - we made 8£ plus some shrapnel in a 3 hour period and I was asleep when it happened - thats the good thing about the internet and software, it should be earning us money all the time not just the hours we are working on it.

anyway ex and I put a business plan together yesterday for the following 12 months - 2nd proper year of trading. we need to clear 150,000$ of sales in the next 12 months - that makes it totally self financing including covering all its advertising costs and it means we both can draw a salary which means that we can concentrate on growing the business rather than me working all day at my day job and then adding this in whenever i can find the time. Do I think thats doable? If the biggest company who are using the system do what they have committed to do we should achieve it quite easily, but they are so s-l-o-w at doing anything its like watching paint dry! and to back ourselves up we need to go out and find some more customers, so we've got a plan B - guess I wont be handing my notice in just yet then another shift planned for tonight with one of the better convertors so should earn a bit more than 8 quid tonight (fingers crossed).

ive got my morning telling off from work due in 20 minutes so I'm steeling myself for that - I wish I was in a position to tell them where to shove their contract but for now I've just got to take it and look for something to replace it if it really becomes too much. ive taken a step back and im not going to make myself ill over this - not over debt, not over my rubbish job and not over this business - life is too short to live down and depressed and worried of 'what ifs' all the time. I refuse to do it any more.

catandy

just got the post for the day and statement from aqua who are still charing 41% interest pa despite me sending them a revised soa and explaining unable to make full payment of arrears due of £380 ....

so im sending them a letter this time asking for them to freeze all interest due to the Lending Code guidelines plus asking for all the fees added so far to be refunded - well if you dont ask you dont get do you?

these are the only company that are acting like this - and unfortunately my normal bank account, our business bank account and my loan (all of which are in credit) are with part of the same organisation (Halifax). just doesnt make any sense to me at all, and it makes me wonder if they will eventually put 2 and 2 together and use the offsetting rule.

catandy

well today ive got the fun of about 9 miles walking round trip - no public transport and cannot use ex's car anymore as 'its his'. oh and got to fit in a full days work as well and its raining dogs and cats out there :rotfl:so im going to look like a drowned rat by the time I get back! anything to save money (polishing halo...)

actually the rain stopped and I decided to run just to see if the runner was still inside of me and yep - still there. pounding the pavements also gave me a chance to clear my head as well and think, cant do that when im in the flat cos im either working or doing something for the business or running around for sons so nice to get out and clear my head a bit - bet I'm going to be really achey tomorrow though

catandy

good weekend all told - did very little and chilled out but it was most definately needed. actually got more than 6 hours sleep which for me at the moment is a miracle, dont know why I cant sleep or relax properly at the moment, its like my mind is racing with everything- I think some of it is the new project I'm working on and how badly its going, maybe I need to learn how to relax.

anyway we had a conference call with the company using our software last night who asked to up their production rates by 2.5 times what it is currently with a 5 week lead in time. answer is yes please and get on with it cos we're more than ready for you:) and ready to start making some proper $$ at this. they also want to add resellers into the picture and again the response is a 'yes please'. bring it on - we want this to be used and worked its why we have pumped every waking hour of effort and concentration into it over the last couple of years not to mention serious amounts of dosh that we are more than ready to recoup (or rather ive pumped serious dosh into it and am ready to recoup it now). if they do kick this into activity within the timescale they promised then we should be making a living out of this within 2 months, enough of a living for me to give up my project if I want to and draw a salary from the business instead which depending on how much of a telling off I get from my boss on my daily 'telling off' call at 9am is looking more and more of an attractive proposition as time goes by.

anyway plans for this week - knuckle down to this project and hit target, got to find 7 leads, I did 2 last week so this is looking more and more unlikely, do a food shop and fill the freezers, cupboards and fridge up, pay the software developer off in full (money sitting there waiting to be transferred) and thats as exciting as my life gets

catandy

ok last night was officially the rubbishest shift using our software yet - we made a massive £9 with the system live and in use for 8 hours - hardly going to pay its way like that is it?

i think im going to be kept on full time with my new project - im 3 weeks into my 4 week trial and they are happy with it so far so just keep doing what im doing and it will all work out. which is good cos im getting used to the idea of having a regular income (forgotten what that feels like actually). will find out for sure end of next week so everything is crossed at the moment

did a freezer shop yesterday and filled them all up again, tonight its AXXX for cupboard bits and stuff for the fridge and then thats spend done for this week. software ive paid the first tranche of today, more to follow tomorrow then the final at the end of the month so all ok there .