How to stop son breaking things

mildred1978

Redouble wrote: »

I think a distinction needs to be made between him using behaviours that are upsetting/unkind/unhelpful to others rather than him being naughty. Tell a child they are naughty and they accept it, it defines them. So they continue to do these 'naughty' things as they are naughty, they cannot help it.
I would ensure every bit of damage / mess is cleaned up together, with him seeing what needs to happen, what things cost to replace (or things that cannot be afforded to replace with a gentle, non aggressive explanation that because it was broken (not because YOU were naughty and YOU broke it etc) it now cannot be used and has to go to the tip, with him coming with you and disposing of it, for example. Show natural consequences without shaming and the lesson lasts longer

Regards
redouble xx

Evidence, please?

Redouble

I'm sorry, I was expressing my opinion and personal experience as was everyone else in the thread, I shall edit my post accordingly, as I didn't realise I was expected to show studies.

As a human being I prefer to learn through kindness and not being humiliated, so I extend that to my children. I am aware that this is not a popular view as people interpret it as me not disciplining my children or setting boundaries when it is anything but

Redouble

mildred1978

Redouble wrote: »

I'm sorry, I was expressing my opinion and personal experience as was everyone else in the thread, I shall edit my post accordingly, as I didn't realise I was expected to show studies.

As a human being I prefer to learn through kindness and not being humiliated, so I extend that to my children. I am aware that this is not a popular view as people interpret it as me not disciplining my children or setting boundaries when it is anything but

Redouble

I can understand that too as I tend to follow an intuitive approach towards parenting.

However, I believe they get to an age where they need to understand their responsibilities and consequences. When the softly softly approach doesn't work, it's time for more drastic action, for everyone's sake. Otherwise you end up with adults who a) cant function by themselves well into their 20s and b) think everything is somebody else's fault.

Tiddlywinks

snugglepet20 wrote: »

I had a talk with him about being naughty and he said 'It doesn't matter if I am naughty because I know you'll always love me Mummy'. I didn't really know what to say to that one! I do feel really stuck sometimes because I don't want to spend my life constantly yelling and punishing. I do think the person who said the naughty step is a bit rinse and repeat has a point, it doesn't seem to work.

You say... "I'm your mum and I will always love you BUT I don't like some of the things you do - they make me sad so I wish you would stop. Do you think you can do that?" and then see what he says.

I do think his comments seem a bit precocious and a little manipulative... where has he got this idea that he can do what he likes without consequence?

Redouble

mildred1978 wrote: »

I can understand that too as I tend to follow an intuitive approach towards parenting.

However, I believe they get to an age where they need to understand their responsibilities and consequences. When the softly softly approach doesn't work, it's time for more drastic action, for everyone's sake. Otherwise you end up with adults who a) cant function by themselves well into their 20s and b) think everything is somebody else's fault.

As you believe that will happen, I don't believe it will.
My approach is not 'softly softly' I am still installing that sense of moral compass, just in a different (and in my opinion more respectful) way.

There's no 'when it doesn't work' only if as all beings are different so one cannot guarantee an outcome.

My children will be able to function for themselves, they already do within their capabilities as they are 6, 4 and 2!
I think the problem is, people (generalisation alert! My apologies) see treating children with respect, as equals as human beings, with whom we are charged with nurturing and teaching in a non manipulative way, as the soft sap approach, and that I am doing them a disservice and they will not learn to be a functioning and useful members of society.

Redouble
Xx

VitaK

What works for one may not work for everyone. Redouble's view are quite resonable.

I think the first step is to identify the reward for the unwanted behavior.

tesuhoha

I think consequences are a very good idea. I.e he has to pick all the popcorn kernels out of the flour and put them back in the jar, he has to sweep up the spilled flour and put it in the bin, he has to take a cloth and wash every bit of crayon off the wall. This might be a novelty to him at first but after a while he will find it extremely boring and tedious. Also you could say well that's 80p out of your pocket money to replace the flour you spilled etc.

You could also try a star chart for every day he manages not to break anything.

themull1

Don't let him be on his own for more than five minutes.

onlyroz

A food allergy is possible, and the "wrong" foods can affect behaviour. Common ones are cow's milk, sugar, wheat and citrus fruit.

My brother went absolutely bonkers when he had sugar and changed overnight when it was removed from his diet. His friend was lactose intolerant, and cow's milk used to make him violent. I had a friend who went nuts when she was given chocolate, oranges or wheat products.

Apart from a potential allergy, or a diagnosed issue like aspergers, the key thing is to be consistent with your punishments, and to try and remove any items that you know will cause problems. In your case I think finding some way to lock the kitchen and/or the cupboards might help, and making sure he doesn't have any access to crayons, pens, paint etc. If necessary, take all the toys out of his room and only give him restricted supervised access to them.

Also remember to praise and reward the good behaviour. Have you tried something like a sticker chart, and a new toy when he reaches a certain number of stickers?

PinkLipgloss

Parents should not be thinking "What punishments/rewards should I be using?" They should instead be asking "How can I help my child become a happy, independent, fulfilled, productive, responsible, loving confident individual?"

The answer, IMO is not punishments and rewards.

For anyone interested in the wealth of studies which back up this thinking please refer to "Unconditional Parenting" book by Alfie Kohn it will completely change your views on parenting. It references numerous studies done by a variety of respected professionals.