How to stop son breaking things

dll74

My son (12) also behaves like this although he has ADHD (Primarily Innattentive) and borderline Opposional Defience Disorder.
Punishments with him must be immediate to make any impact whatsoever. Threatening loss of priviledges in the future (you won't go swimming next week for example) have no effect on him.
Also if possible we have been advised not to give rows publicly, in front of friends etc as this can be detrimental to his behaviour.
I did used to smack him (pre-diagnosis obv) when he was around your son's age but stopped when a friend suggested if I replaced the word smack with the word hit perhaps it didn't seem like such a reasonable method of punishment.
Obviously I'm not suggesting that your son has any disorders but they are similar in the way that punishment seems not to have any/much effect.
Concentration and focus are my son's main issues and everything has to be broken down into small chunks as he is unable to follow complex or multi-step tasks.
Praise helps enormously - i get some funny looks with my super encouraging tone if out and about! folk must be thinking she's well over the top with the praise over trivial things but is does help.
My son does not have behavioural problems per se either but I share your pain over the defience issue.
As for the cupboards I would tell him you planned to make cakes or something but now have no time as you have to tidy up. That is immediate punishment which he can directly connect to his own behaviour and perhaps encourage him to take ownership of his behaviour.
Hope this helps.

Errata

Have you taught him there are consequences for bad behaviour? If you haven't, he has no reason to stop doing as he pleases.

FunWithFlags

Redouble wrote: »

See I don't find a 6 year old and a 4 year old losing focus while tidying their room a massive issue. They are still so young. Personally in that situation I would advise friend to tidy with them and make it a game, show them that working together makes a job easier and more fun

I agree completely with this. Sometimes as an adult I know I get distracted halfway through a task so I don't really understand why we expect children not to sometimes be the same. They aren't little dogs to train up.

Back on topic, maybe your punishments aren't working because after the smack is done, it's forgotten as soon as the shock factor of it is over. Similarly, with doing "his time" he knows all he has to do is put up with sitting quietly for however many minutes before he will be allowed to play again and carry on with the same behaviour. Supernanny type stuff, imo only of course, rather than actually confronting the behaviour, just trains children that bad behaviour = sit on a step, listen to parents reason, say sorry, hug and then if they do it again, rinse and repeat. I think some kids will weight it up and decide what they want to do is worth a little time out iyswim.

I think Jojo has it right with taking the tools away. That takes the immediate frustration and mess it causes you out of the picture so you can focus on his general behaviour. Then maybe lots of consistent explanations looking at how his behaviour makes people feel etc. It might be best (like pp who mentioned a moral compass) to teach your child to choose the right option based on how it makes other people feel or how it makes him feel (i.e. How he feels to have his toys taken away) rather than based upon whether or not he feels like putting up with a quick smack or time out.

mildred1978

Redouble wrote: »

See I don't find a 6 year old and a 4 year old losing focus while tidying their room a massive issue. They are still so young. Personally in that situation I would advise friend to tidy with them and make it a game, show them that working together makes a job easier and more fun

They weren't losing focus - they did no tidying. Mum and dad even asked them if they were tidying and they shouted back "yes mummy" while jumping on their beds. And similar things within that hour and a half.

Both children are extremely bright and intelligent, and ahead of their years in a lot of ways. Their parents wanted to teach them consequences. Their parents are nurturing and encouraging. They weren't expecting the tidying to be perfect, but they expected the children to at least try. That was the lesson.

It's a bit like when my 2 year old deliberately let's water run out of his mouth and his top gets wet. I don't change it within 10 seconds because I want him to learn that his actions have consequences.

snugglepet20

Thanks for all your replies and advice.

Re diet - He has a pretty healthy diet and is a good eater. He is tall for his age but has the same size waist as his two year-old sister. I have food allergies so I have to make food from scratch so he doesn't get any of the additives etc in pre-prepared food. He only gets sweets very occasionally, usually from a grandparent.

Punishment-wise I do naughty step and 'oh now you have made a mess there is no time for the park' type things. Sometimes I take his fish away and put them in my room for a day if he is very naughty. I don't really do smacks because I feel mean but his Dad does.

He plays outside almost every day, he has a swing, slide, climbing frame etc. We also go swimming and to the park a lot and he has swimming lessons and football club. He is very active and never seems to be tired. He requires constant attention and if you leave him for 5 minutes he will do something naughty.

He sleeps from 7.30 - 7 and there are no problems getting him to bed.

I had a talk with him about being naughty and he said 'It doesn't matter if I am naughty because I know you'll always love me Mummy'. I didn't really know what to say to that one! I do feel really stuck sometimes because I don't want to spend my life constantly yelling and punishing. I do think the person who said the naughty step is a bit rinse and repeat has a point, it doesn't seem to work.

Fire_Fox

snugglepet20 wrote: »

Re diet - He has a pretty healthy diet and is a good eater. He is tall for his age but has the same size waist as his two year-old sister. I have food allergies so I have to make food from scratch so he doesn't get any of the additives etc in pre-prepared food. He only gets sweets very occasionally, usually from a grandparent.

But have you tried a diet specifically recommended for behavioural issues? This is not quite the same as a regular healthy diet, as well as sugar and additives you would want to make sure each meal or snack is as low glycaemic index as possible for example. Essential fatty acids from oily fish can also be valuable and this is something few families get enough of.

Is he underweight if his waist is so slim? People who are very active need far more nutrients and far more overall food than average, nuts and seeds can be particularly valuable because they are calorific and nutrient dense. An adult client who goes to the gym five times a week for a hard workout can DOUBLE their nutrient needs! Peaks and troughs in blood sugar can contribute to mood swings and behavioural issues.

Why is your partner/ ex using a different punishment system to you? As I understand it naughty step, sanctions and points on a chart towards rewards only work if they are clear up front and consistent. Sometimes tired or frustrated parents can make things up on the hop or give up first which makes it tougher next time especially with very bright children.

Person_one

snugglepet20 wrote: »

I don't really do smacks because I feel mean but his Dad does.

Could this be important?

Both parents need to be on the same page and a united team surely?

(Don't start hitting him though obviously!)

Sambucus_Nigra

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

What happens when he breaks things, is he upset or doesn't he care? Does he do one then move to the next or is it intermittent?

When he empties stuff out, does he play with it or just leave it? Do you make him clean it up and walk to the shop with you to buy some more to replace it? Or do you not replace it or do it 'behind the scenes'?

Does he have any toys that he hasn't broken or does he now have no toys at all?

^ OP - you missed answering these questions.

Bennifred

snugglepet20 wrote: »

.................................................................................................
I had a talk with him about being naughty and he said 'It doesn't matter if I am naughty because I know you'll always love me Mummy'. I didn't really know what to say to that one! I do feel really stuck sometimes because I don't want to spend my life constantly yelling and punishing. I do think the person who said the naughty step is a bit rinse and repeat has a point, it doesn't seem to work.

Maybe you could have said something like "Yes, I will always love you, but when you do naughty things it makes me very sad, and if you love somebody you try not to make them sad - you want them to be happy" Or the old "I will always love you but sometimes when you do naughty things I don't like you very much"

Redouble

I think a distinction needs to be made between him using behaviours that are upsetting/unkind/unhelpful to others rather than him being naughty. Tell a child they are naughty and they accept it, it defines them. So they continue to do these 'naughty' things as they are naughty, they cannot help it.
I would ensure every bit of damage / mess is cleaned up together, with him seeing what needs to happen, what things cost to replace (or things that cannot be afforded to replace with a gentle, non aggressive explanation that because it was broken (not because YOU were naughty and YOU broke it etc) it now cannot be used and has to go to the tip, with him coming with you and disposing of it, for example. My personal opinion amd experience is that show natural consequences without shaming and the lesson lasts longer

Regards
redouble xx