Daughter is missing her dad

magicme

Its heartbreaking to see my daughter cry so I need some advice please.

My daughter last seen her dad on the 11th August and on the 18th he was on his way to see her when we had an argument and fell out.
We had a verbal agreement that he would give me £30 a week maintence and for the 3rd time he refused to pay. I was so angry as I have bills to pay and not enough to cover them.
I was wrong but I told him not to bother coming over for her as he was planning on taking her swimming and to the circus, he was getting to be the treat , fun dad while I'm struggling.

Anyway he told me not to ask to take her again and since then I have not heard from him.

My daughter is 6 year old and this morning she got upset that she is missing him and wots wrong with him, does he not want to see her again?

I have not said anything to her as I'm not sure what to say? I changed the subject as we were in a public place but I know I need to say something.

Anyway I contacted a solicitor and legally I cant make him see her, I have also started an application with CSA.

Any advice? x

Fire_Fox

Write to your ex and apologise for using your daughter as a weapon, assure him it will not happen again. TBH I think you should tell your daughter the truth, that you said something mean to her father when you were angry but you have since said you are sorry. Maybe she could send her father a home made card or painting with your letter?

19lottie82

I would apologise to your ex for what you said and let him know that your DD misses him. I don't know if I would tell your daughter what you said.

Apply through the CSA and let them deal with the maintenance side of things. Then everything is done by the book and he can't squirm out of it or acuse you of being unfair.

lindsaygalaxy

I wouldn't say it was just the mother using her DD as a weapon. She doesn't have enough money for bills, the daughter was made by both parents. He also needs to grow up and and pay for his daughter that he helped create.

I would just explain to your DD that mummy and daddy had an argument but it wasn't her fault. You shouldn't be expected to not talk to him about anything just incase he decids to have a strop and stop seeing his daughter.

peachyprice

I agree with the above, no matter how hard it is for you to back down, you need to apologise, for your daughters sake.

Yes, he is wrong for refusing the agreed maintenance but you were equally, if not more, wrong for then retaliating by using your daughter as a weapon against him. He's not paying for the privilege of seeing her, the two things are totally unrelated.

jackieb

Did you go to a solicitor to see if you could make him see her, after telling him not to bother coming over for her?

January20

Telling your daughter that you said something mean to her dad and he won't see her because of it, makes you the bad guy, and as much as I think it is wrong to use your daughter as a weapon, I understand your anger at his attitude and I wonder what kind of father would choose to not see his daughter rather than pay maintenance to support her. It's all well and good taking her for treats, but it doesn't feed or clothes her does it?

So, I agree with writing to him, apologising and saying it will never happen again, as well as putting the CSA in charge of the maintenance collection. That way, he can't wiggle out of it when it pleases him.

As for your daughter, I think she is a little too young to be told the truth. If you say you had an argument with her father and he won't see her for that reason, what kind of message does that send to her? That her father is childish? That it's ok to sulk after an argument and behave like a baby? That he doesn't love her enough to put it behind him? You know your daughter. What could she handle?

Lucee

Its difficult you can not make anyone do something that they don't want to do, especially if he wants to be unreasonable and selfish.

Regardless of what is going on, you both need to put your daughter first try (I know its hard I've been there) to put your feelings aside. It's not fair that he isn't paying any maintenance but you need to stop your anger clouding your judgement and bite your tongue. That issue is between you and your ex, you shouldn't allow your (understandable) frustration to affect your daughter. Calmly explain to your ex that you are leaving the maintenance issue to the CSA, if he chooses to use this as an excuse to stop seeing your daughter then that's his fault not yours.

I would apologise to your ex, you don't have to mean it! Take the moral high ground, be the better more reasonable person (even if you don't feel it) and if he chooses to not see your daughter then at least you have done everything you can - he will only have himself to blame!

Good Luck, keep strong!

L x

bigmomma051204

I disagree with those who are telling you to apologise. Sorry... he made your daughter too and is therefore responsible for feeding her, keeping a roof over her head and making sure she has all her basic needs met. He hasn't been doing that but wants to be seen as the "treat" weekend dad who takes her out to do fun stuff whilst mum struggles to put clothes on her back. £30 per week is not alot of money at ALL.... HE needs to apologise to YOU for taking the mick and if you DO contact him, it would not be to apologise, but to make it clear that he should WANT to see his daughter. And despite whether you said something he didnt like, he should be able to put that aside if he loves her and pay for her to eat etc!! He has a choice here (bit of a coarse example but..) - if he wanted to drive a car that he bought, he would have to pay to maintain it.... whether he liked it or not he would have to put petrol in, keep it parked somewhere etc. If he didnt, then he wouldnt be able to use it. My point is that it is HIS choice here. Not yours.

Ridiculous!! DO no apologise!!!!! He should WANT to support his daughter. Supporting a child financially does NOT include swimming and circus treats. It includes toilet paper, warm bedroom and a tin of baked beans!!

(oh and before i get jumped on by the haters, lol, my son is 8years, has never seen his dad (violent, nasty, etc) and i have never claimed a PENNY from him. So i am not some money grabbing, man hating ex lol!)

magicme

Thanks for your advice

He did it a few month before and I was furious with him so I cant believe I did it.

We split in 2009 and up until a year ago I had praised how good it was that we had stayed friends and he supported my daughter. He paid his share of the loan and I paid the mortgage by myself so he could afford to rent.

A year ago though the problems started, his contact reduced from maybe 3 times a week to maybe once, sometimes just taking her for tea.
Non-payment of maintence or arguments when he wasnt going to but did.

Its all just gotten on top of me

Its to complicated to write but its just been one problem after another and I'm worried that he has been looking for an excuse to get out of seeing my daughter?

I suppose I could try the letter, I have to.

x

McKneff

Access and maintenance are two completely different things.

You should apologise to your ex and explain to your daughter that its certainly not her fault and that you had a falling out.

She is blaming him completely for not coming to see her and that really isnt fair.

You said you were wrong (and I understand why you did it on the spur of the moment) apologise and tell him how upset his daughter is.
Gppd;ick with it all and give dd lots of cuddles.