Fallen out with my DF just before visiting him abroad.

helenthemum

Hi

My father has always been the type to have his say about everything and his opinion is the only one that matters, its has been this way ever since I was little. He thinks everyone should enjoy the things he enjoys and think how he thinks.

I am the youngest of 4 and in my mid 40's I am the only one who has put up with his attitude the whole of my life, the others have all fallen out with him at some stage of their lives.

Well now I disagree with him on a few points, he doesn't like it. I have let him talk to me like a child all my life and now have had enough. I used to be able to shrug him off and just let him go on and on about anything and everything, but not anymore..

I fell out with him big last week when he phoned for the 3rd time in 4 days. The 1st 2 phone calls lasted for well over an hour he was saying the same things over and over again. The 3rd time I just snapped. He asked what my daughters As results were so told him. They were pretty good considering she had been off ill for a lot of the last 2 terms. One result was a D however as she isn't carrying on the subject it doesn't matter. He just kept telling me she should retake it. After 30 mins or I had had enough and just apologised and put the phone down.

I am due to fly out to see him in France where he lives on Tuesday and he had sorted a timetable of events for us to do while myself and 2 of my children are with him for 8 days, non of things the children wanted to do were on the timetable. My sons school is closing unexpectedly, so I have had little notice to sort out a new school and complete new uniform. I phoned him after the meeting at my sons old school yesterday to tell him what had happened and asked him to phone back after 8 pm my time yesterday so that I could go over things he planned and what the children wanted to do whilst with him and explained why.

He phoned at 7 whilst we were having hair cuts I asked him to phone back later and he told me off for being snappy and put the phone down. Then then phoned again 5 mins later to which I tried to explain that I was busy with haircuts, he just snapped at me and told me to ring him when I had time for him, which I did. Only to get verbal abuse about snapping at him and not listening to him. I told him I am now afraid of taking the children to see him as I know it won't be a nice relaxing holiday, he told me not to bother going to visit him. I ended up putting the phone down on him again as he just wouldn't listen. I only get 1 week a year off because of being self-employed and I really don't want to put my children through anything else, their father and I split up after more than 27 years together in January.

He emailed me after the phone call in capitals telling me never to put the phone down on him again. (I did it because I really didn't want to tell him to shut up for once in his life) Apologise or lose my holiday. Your loving dad who seems to have lost a daughter.

I really don't know what to do. I love my dad but he makes it very hard to love him and to show him any love. I have no idea how to reply to him or where to go from here.

Sorry its so long.
Thank you for listening xxx

missprice

you could call his bluff and just go somewhere else?
if the flights are already booked you could still go to France just stay elsewhere.
If no flight s booked just stay home and have days out or visit the seaside (unless you already live there:) )

or just grin and bear it for a week

19lottie82

i agree with miss price, to an extent.

I think, that if you go stay with your DF for a whole week, it will end in tears. Can you fly to France and stay somewhere else but still see your DF?
That way you and the kids can have a nice holiday and you can still spend some time with your Dad, rathe r than risking the whole thing errupting.

Fire_Fox

Is it possible he has an undiagnosed mental health problem, personality disorder or learning disability? IMO go to France but stay somewhere else and do the things your children want to do.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Take the kids somewhere else.


And enjoy seeing them put first, rather than last. If that means booking a hotel or taking a tent because you've already paid for tickets, then fair enough. If you haven't, then go somewhere else - a late availability holiday seems like a good idea to me - it's got to be less stressful than dealing with him.



The phoning at the wrong time could have been confusion between CEST and BST - British Summer Time is mirrored by Central European Summer Time, so they still don't match up - but that's his fault, not yours. So he should still be apologising, not getting more and more arzey about things.


and once he got to shouting at you in emails, blackmailing you about losing holidays (What? Is that because he can't stop your pocket money or ground you anymore?) and then that crap about being loving, but not being your father anymore - so threatening you with being disowned because you actually stood up to him like the others already have done - I think he lost the plot.

helenthemum

Missprice, thank you for the suggestion, yes flights are booked, spending budget very limited as single parent, new school uniform unexpectly etc. Live close to seaside.

Fire Fox, I am wondering if he has the start of something, going to talk to my DS later this evening, but don't know how to go about getting him the help he may need. He is not the type of person you can suggest anything to.

19lottie82, that is whats is worrying me, that it will end in tears and we will end hating each other and worse still ruin my childrens holiday when they have had a bad enough year as it is.

Jojo he is a controling type, last year when I went ot visit him his girlfriend was back stabbing him and alot of what she was saying was true. I admit I joined in as it felt good to finally tell someone what it had been like growing up with him. When I came back she drip fed him everything she had said and I had agreed with. She has since left him after years of using him. She had no pension due to her age, so lived off him basically. He looked after her and did everythin. He made me do everything around the house from the age of 13. My DS had to do everything before me.

I haven't replied to his email yet, really don't know if it is worth replying to. I will have to phone him to let him know my decision. But I like the idea of dusting off the tent and taking the children camping, the tent is too big to take to France.

*Louise*

Going by most of your post he sounds like the tye of person who will end up alienating his family one by one because it's his way or no way.

Assuming you have flights booked then I would look for a last minute hotel if you can afford it, or even a camp site.


However, the point about the time difference is a good one - were you 'snappy' with him at all? He could have genuinely been calling but surprised not to get the reception he expected. Only you know what your tone/attitude towards him was, and I think you should consider that first, especally if you were feeling a bit harassed/flustered at the time.

NewKittenHelp

I can't imagine why this is even an option. Put your children first - don't put them through a week with this bully.

helenthemum

Louise I was a bit snppy I admit, but only because he started going about having organised his afternoon and meal time around phoning me. He put the phone down on me twice, then shouted at me in an email because I put the phone down on him. He told me I should ahve just talked to him about the holiday arrangements even though I had a hairdresser here who was finishing off my sons hair then she was going to have to wait for me to finish on the phone before cutting mine. I wouldn't dream of keeping anyone waiting for a hour, if it was going to be a 5 min call that would have been totally different. He has alienated everyone excpet me at one time or another.

New Kitten Help. My daughter is due to start French A2 2 days after we get back, she is really disappointed that I have even suggested not going. My 13 yr old DS is not bothered.

I know I am going to have to email him, and I know visiting him is more than likely going to end in tears, really torn. I don't want to upset him even more.

downsizer3

He sounds very controlling.
Talk to your kids first and see what they want to do. If they want to go - try and patch it up by email but tell him you'll be doing your own thing some of the time - if that sets him off - bin the idea.
If they'd rather do something else - try and accomodate it as best you can ( camping??).
Email is your opportunity to tell your dad how you feel. You love him but it can't go on like this. You are an adult and he needs to treat you as such or you can't put your kids through an intensive week of his brow beating. Its easier to stand up for yourself by email. Take a deep breath and press the 'send' button - then have a drink of wine - quick!!
Its not worth it - one week a year and you have to put up with that? No. Your kids have had a tough year - so have you.

downsizer3

I ought to add that my folks are a wee bit like this - I have to 'jump' when it suits. They like to control me but I'm getting better at avoiding it all - largely by short visits only.
Its also a lot to do with them having a lot of time on their hands I think and dwelling on stuff, coupled with a growing lack of patience.........
Try and explain it all in an email - at least if you don't go he'll know why - when he reads it properly.