Should I Stay?

downsizer3

I dealt with my partners depression for years - medicated and unmedicated ( him - not me!!) Its not easy and eveything you do feels like its getting nowhere or sometimes seems to make it worse. Firstly he needs to go back to his doc and you can tell how its been for you and him.
Secondly - and whilst I agree about supporting your partner - a time does come when you need to look after yourself.
If you don't love him any more - why should you continue to go through this?
My experience was that in my being there and trying to help / deal with eveything - my ex relied on me and didn't try to help himself at all. When we split he did seem happier - tried to sort himself out. He's not 100% by any means - but he's OK - and managing. Less pressure from me in a way - and not having any responsibility to me ( or kids / house / income etc) seemed to help.
You do what you have to do if you've gone as far as you can.

Mojisola

NotSureWhatToDo wrote: »

He has told his mum and she is of the opinion that doctors give tablets out far too easily and all he needs is a kick up the backside and that he should start looking on the bright side of life. He is very close to his mother.

He has me and his mum both of us who have quite frankly had enough of his behaviour.

Now please don't get me wrong I know its an illness and I know the anti depressants will take a while to start working and I do understand all of this but it feels like since seeing the doctor he is now playing up to it.

I want to leave, it feels wrong being here, it feels wrong trying to carry on as if everything is ok when it isn't, it hurts when he sits there and tells me he loves me when he knows I can't say it back.

I don't want to be left with the guilt on my shoulders for the rest of my life if he does decide to end his life. I also have his children to think about, I am the only stable adult in their lives at present the only one that pays them attention, gives them routine, consistency and boundaries. I really don't want to walk out on them and potentially damage them also.

What a very difficult time for you! I know it's easy to say from the outside but, now he's started with the doctor, could you hang on in there for a bit longer? It can take a bit of time to sort out exactly what tablets and what dose he needs. Once his problems are being dealt with, the situation should become easier.

To survive, you do need to give yourself a bit of space. Find some way of getting out of the situation for a little while every week. Would it help to stop his children coming for a few weeks? If he's not spending time with them, the purpose of their visiting has gone.

Make sure the doctor knows that your OH doesn't have a wider support network and that the two people he's relying on are reaching the end of their tethers. If carers suddenly can't cope, a moderate problem can escalate very quickly.

marisco_2

It must be extremely difficult to cope when the relationship you shared with someone deteriorates so extremely. To watch them becoming a former shadow of the person you fell in love with, to hear them suggest that they may do themselves harm and to never seem to be able to do anything right in their eyes must be crushing and painful. The experiences you have had over the past few months must have put you under unbearable pressure.

I have no experience or knowledge of the conditions the doctor suggests your partner has. He is clearly ill and suffering and needs alot of help. I agree with the posters who advise to see the doctor again and check if his medication needs changing. It may take some time to find one that agrees with him and to see positive improvements.

If you decide to stay with him and try to guide him throuh this time I think it would be very beneficial to seek individual counselling. Or to find out if there are any support groups out there that could be there for you to turn to when you need. Understandably the strain of living day to day as you are is really effecting you. To help him you need to be 100% okay too and if things continue as they are you will be on your knees.

I wish I could be of more help and am sending you a huge hug. Take care OP.

nzmegs

There is a great book called "stop walking on eggshells" and another by the same author which give details on how to look after yourself when your loved one has been diagnosed with a disorder like this.
The first thing it suggests is ensuring that you are looking after yourself first. Not putting all your efforts into your husband. Doing the things you enjoy, seeing friends and family and not being isolated. being strong yourself is incredibly important. make sure your get time away from your OH and look after your own needs first.
You also need to understand his condition. Go to his doctor and ask for a few tips, referrals to support groups and so on where you can get help for yourself and advice on how to cope.
You sound as though you have plenty of empathy and it is important that you keep this outlook. He hasn't asked for this problem any more than you have. He wishes he was normal and probably feels awful about what he is putting you through. Knowing that it is the condition and not him doing these things might make it easier to cope with.
Ask for help - his Mum sounds like she is not a good influence. But his work friends, other family members, your friends and family will all be willing to take some of the strain. having people over to sit with him and chat, take him out for a beer, go shopping or whatever will help you.
With regards the puzzle - just let him be. he is trying to isolate himself because he fears the way he is when he is taking part in family life. he can't cope with other people and having something to focus on is helpful. Just use the time to get on with the things your enjoy and stop fretting.
Educate yourself about the condition, talk to everyone and don't hide it away. people understand because they know how he was before and how out of character this is for him. If they distance themselves from you or him then they are showing their worth as friends.

purple.sarah

On the one hand it is early days and he can get better, on the other hand he has to take responsibility for his recovery. You can support him but you can't do it for him, he has to help himself and get professional help. He needs to be proactive with his Drs appointments. It's worrying that you have to schedule the appointments and then he is not honest with the Dr, saying he has a fantastic support network when in fact all the pressure is falling on you. His mother doesn't count as part of a support network as she doesn't sound supportive, she sounds in total denial! His Dr needs to know you are his sole carer and you are struggling. Look into support groups for carers in your area and consider counseling for yourself. You need support too.

I suffer from depression and I was a carer for my ex who had mental health problems, if you want someone to talk to you can PM me.

Only you can decide whether you should stay, but base that decision on how you feel about him and whether you see a future together. Don't be controlled by his threats to commit suicide. It is not your responsibility to save him from himself. Has he told his Dr he is feeling suicidal?

ktb

NotSureWhatToDo wrote: »

I have told him that I don't love him................... However he has told me that if i leave him it will 'finish him' with all the talk of his suicide I don't know if this is what he means or not? But if it is I don't want to be left with the guilt that it was my fault.

The bit in bold is the clincher for me. If you were still in love with him, then you would probably be the right person to help him through this & it would be worth investing time in learning about the condition and being understanding etc But if you don't love him, in my opinion, you will do neither of you any good by staying out of guilt. You will purely give him a crutch and someone to direct his unhappiness at, potentially delaying his road to recovery. Also you will become more and more resentful and unhappy and risk your own mental health & wellbeing. He might never get better and you will have wasted a great deal of time on something that, you already know, has no future.

If you think there is a chance that you could fall in love with him again down the line, when/if he is better, then perhaps you could try moving out & putting some temporary distance between you, to allow you both some space to work things out before continuing with your relationship. If he truly loves you, he will understand this and be prepared to see this from your perspective and do whatever he can to enable this to happen. His current behaviour sounds like it could destory things completely - so if he wants things to work long term, hopefully he can understand that space would help things if you don't wish to continue how you are, but think there is something salvagable there.

But if it is over, it's over. Get out and please do not allow his threats and manipulation to stop you. If he really cared about you he would NEVER put you in that position (I know he is unwell, but still!) If he does decide to end his life, that is 100% his decision and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The best thing you can do is advise him to tell his Dr he is having suicidal thoughts and let the medics deal with it.

NotSureWhatToDo_2

Quick reply because im pretty sure I don't have long.

He went into work this morning to be told that he should take the two weeks off that the doctor recommended and that when he went back if he made one more mistake he was out.

He went and told his ex wife the situation as he had to cancel his weeks holiday (it was due the week after the 2 weeks off) he was due to have the children that week. He has arranged with her to have them this thursday through to sat evening and then again from sunday evening to saturday evening.

I said to him does he really think it is such a good idea baring in mind the way he was last weekend with them and i got told 'yes it brightens my day'. Confused as to how they can brighten his day when he ignores them.

Tried to talk to him about going back to the doctors and he is adamant that he has to wait the two weeks the doctor said :mad:

We had the plumber come out earlier and he stood chatting to himas if everything was back to normal, I asked him how he managed to do that but can't do it with everything else and just got told i dont know. This makes me feel that he has some control over it.

He has spent the majority of the day just staring into the fish tank and crying.

Just to correct a few things he is NOT my husband and we have only been together just over 6 months.

I have 2 very close friends one who suffers from severe depression and has been on medication for a number of years, and another who has bi polar who I have house shared with. So I do understand both conditions. I have spoke to both of those to quite an extent and sent them a link to this thread and they agree that there is something that isn't adding up.

I know it is early days but his behaviour extreme and it is suffocating. This isn't something I just thought about suddenly this has been something i have mulled over for the past few weeks.

I'm really not sure i can cope with him being at home for the next 2 weeks. I was looking forward to him going back to work today so that I could have some 'me' time.

Fire_Fox

The doctor will likely want him to take the medication for the full two weeks to see what the effect is unless he is suicidal, having hallucinations or delusions. Being able to cope with one thing but not another is perfectly normal in clinical depression, things change from day to day and from hour to hour, it is not a logical condition and symptoms vary significantly from person to person. Bear in mind this is untreated/ unstable, your friends have hopefully been treated/ reasonably stable for some time.

Can you go out and do something physical like an exercise class or outdoorsy like a brisk walk in the countryside, then maybe something quiet like the library or a museum afterwards? Or can you go stay with friends or family for a few days? If you are really not coping you might make an appointment with your own GP?

emweaver

He needs to go back to the doctors but it doesn't sound like the medication has had long enough to work. Sometimes it can make you worse before it gets better too.

Walking out on him will just tip him over the edge, if you love him can you live with that?

Tamsin_Temrin

What evidence is there that he is doing anything/wanting to get better. Did this suddenly go into overdrive when you seemed to be pulling away from him. Are you able to ask ex wife if this is something new to her or old stuff?

Suggest that you find a way to say 'I need to keep my sanity - these are the times I will spend with you, these are the times I need 'me' time.' Carers need respite. You need to find a way to get time away to see friends etc - do not let him isolate you. Is there a neighbour that can sit with him? It is really important that you look after yourself. That means keeping yourself sane and seeing/talking to other people that can give you a different grounding in what is 'real' and what isnt. This will help you/him sort out how bad his behaviour is and how close to reality he is.

Is he using mental breakdown as a way of getting out of dismissal, and are you just the side show. How quickly did you move in together and who suggested it.

tbh it depends how good the good times were. If he wants to get better, and you think things can get good again, and it is all worth the fight, then you need to get support, keep yourself well and do what you can to support him. If you think there is something 'off' and you cannot give him hole hearted support then perhaps leaving will be less damaging in the long term for him. Re the self harm threats - can you speak to his GP about what to do? It could be a genuine cry for help. Trouble is, a lot of the time they can also be used as a 'do as I want - or else!' type thing.

If you have to sit with him when he has a bath, thats pretty extreme. How does he react if you refuse ie fear or temper?