Should I Stay?

NotSureWhatToDo_2

Regular member using an AE to protect my identity

The past 3 months my partners moods have been very up and down, he has been struggling to cope with very minor things, making mistakes at work, constantly commenting how he is no good, telling me how he has planned the quickest and easiest way to end his life.

I have told him repeatedly what he is doing and I just kept being told that he was fine, last week I snapped and told him that if he didn't get it sorted I was leaving him. To which he initially said 'fine well i guess its over then'. The following day he then started acting as if nothing had happened in the end i broke down in tears and told him i couldn't carry on like this. He asked me to make an appointment for him at the doctors which I did.

He saw the doctor on friday and was diagnosed with dysthymia and given a prescription for anti depressants and told to go back in 2 weeks. The doctor also mentioned that there is a possibility of them being the early symptoms of bi polar (which his brother also suffers with).

Since going to the doctors he has got worse, telling me he feels anxious all the time, snapping at me anytime i speak (to the extent that I feel like im walking on eggshells now) he screamed at me this morning when I said I didn't know where the washing basket was! He doesn't want to be on his own at all, he takes a bath he asks me to sit in the bathroom with him, he goes to the shop in the car i have to go with him etc. He decided that he was going to get a 5000 piece jigsaw out to distract him which initially I thought was a good idea. However he has spent 95% of the past 4 days doing this jigsaw. He had his children here over the weekend and totally blanked them, I got them up, got them dressed, fed them, played with them, bathed them, put them to bed. It was only 10 minutes before they were due to be collected by their mum he decided that he was going to play with them.

He had today and friday booked off work for annual leave and honestly I can't wait for him to go back to work tomorrow.

He is questioning everything I do, I can't even go to the toilet or type something on here without being asked what I am doing.
We went up to bed half an hour ago (because he wont go to bed on his own) and I had to pretend to go to sleep so that he would so that I could come back downstairs to do things that I need to do and have 'me' time.

I have told him that I don't love him, he is a totally different person to the man that I fell in love with. I feel like he is draining every ounce of strength that I have, I feel like his mother rather than his partner it is like he has reverted back to a 3 year old who wants their hand held with everything they do.

However he has told me that if i leave him it will 'finish him' with all the talk of his suicide I don't know if this is what he means or not? But if it is I don't want to be left with the guilt that it was my fault.

He has told his mum and she is of the opinion that doctors give tablets out far too easily and all he needs is a kick up the backside and that he should start looking on the bright side of life. He is very close to his mother. His father passed away 7 years ago. He has 2 brothers one of which he has no contact with the other he sees maybe once a month so not overly close. He has no real friends, those that he classes as friends are more acquaintances. He has told the doctor that he has a fantastic support network which to me is quite obvious that he doesn't. He has me and his mum both of us who have quite frankly had enough of his behaviour.

Now please don't get me wrong I know its an illness and I know the anti depressants will take a while to start working and I do understand all of this but it feels like since seeing the doctor he is now playing up to it.

I want to leave, it feels wrong being here, it feels wrong trying to carry on as if everything is ok when it isn't, it hurts when he sits there and tells me he loves me when he knows I can't say it back.

I don't want to be left with the guilt on my shoulders for the rest of my life if he does decide to end his life. I also have his children to think about, I am the only stable adult in their lives at present the only one that pays them attention, gives them routine, consistency and boundaries. I really don't want to walk out on them and potentially damage them also.

If you got this far then well done! Any advice would be more than appreciated.

emsywoo123

I don't know what to say, it sounds like an awful situation. And I read your OP 3 minutes after you posted and you are already offline (unless you are just back on as your regular name) so I might be hugging the wind here but have some anyway

:grouphug:

PinkLipgloss

Sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing you.

I would have words with his mum (giving her a heads up on the situation) and leave. He is not your responsibility.

1940sGal

emsywoo123 wrote: »

:grouphug:

That has got to be the dirtiest looking smiley going! Or is it just my mind? :rotfl:

In all seriousness life's too short to be in a relationship that leaves you feeling like this. I know there are the children and the way he's feeling but you have to think about yourself at some point, however selfish that might sound/feel.

Perhaps you could stay friends so you can still keep an eye on him, so to speak, but break any romantic ties.

podperson

If his behaviour seems to have worse since he started on the anti-depressants then have you asked him how they are making him feel? Sometimes they can actually have adverse effects and cause anxiety so he may need to be going back to the doctors to ask for a different type - often they affect different people in different ways and it can take a few tries to find one that suits.
Did the doctor also discuss with him whether any other forms of treatment were going to be offered, such as cbt, counselling or psychotherapy? If not this is something he needs to bring up at his next appointment.

I appreciate this isn't easy for you at the moment, and I do know what you're going through as someone whose OH has had mental health issues for many years, but you do need to think of it as an illness. I'm quite shocked how many posts already say, just walk out - would there be the same responses if someone posted their husband was acting differently recently due to a physical illness?

Saying that though you can try and set some limits - sit him down and try and see what he can manage with - eg if he was ok going for a bath on his own last week then what's changed, could you leave the door open so he can shout you if needed etc. The same with going to bed, my OH had this for a bit actually but the main issue was not so much that he didn't want to go to bed alone but then when he was lying in bed alone in the dark then his mind would be churning with bad thoughts and he would get himself worked up - so we looked at compromises like him having the tv/music on and on occasions when he still couldn't cope I would come in and read a book.

At the end of the day I'm not saying you have to stay if you really feel you can't, or that you should feel responsible for his actions, but if your relationship was good before this then maybe it's worth looking at ways you can both try and get through this first.
Thinking of you and feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk to someone who's been through it x

Fire_Fox

Why has he been diagnosed with dysthymia not depression, has the low mood been going on much longer than three months? What you are describing could be side effects of the medication. Has this relationship been a problem for a while or just since he has been ill? Perhaps he is not on the right one, it's quite common to have to switch before settling on one that works, certain side effects do wear off as the positive effects kick in. Is your partner meeting all our government's recommendations for healthy eating and physical activity?

MissKeith

Have you ever suffered from depression or anxiety yourself? If not, then I don't think you could possibly understand just what's going through his head. I am I his position right now, I have been diagnosed with prenatal depression and anxiety and it isn't easy as pulling yourself out of the black hole you've sunk into. At the moment,I am relying on my partner a lot, I feel helpless without him, the feelings of worthlessness are so frightening that I cling to him in the hopes that it'll make me feel better.

You say that this has only been going on a few weeks and you're ready to leave him already? Whatever happened to for better or for worse? Give the antidepressants time to kick in, when I was initially put on them when I first suffered from depression years ago, they made me feel so much worse to begin with. Eventually, the evened my mood enough that I could get out of bed and go to see a counselor and talk about my feelings without feeling worse. They're not an instant 'happy pill'. It's going to take time and understanding for your husband to pull through this.

If the shoe were on the other foot and you were this down, would he do the same for you? I know I would for my partner.

Depression, especially bipolar, is a frightening thing to suffer from and all too often, others have the attitude of "well they should get over it!", like your mother in law. Believe me, no one wants to feel like this and if we could just magically pull ourselves out of it, don't you think we would? Depression and anxiety suck the energy and will tho get better out of you, it becomes a vicious circle. This is not an easy thing to get over.

FBaby

If he is suffering from bi polar than he might be really poorly and his behaviour might be a direct symptom of his illness. If it it's the right diagnosis antidepressants might not be the right treatment for him. Ask I can say is that my best friend in our 20s got it with it badly suddenly and she became a complete different person very much like you describe your partner and she was a nightmare to be around with. I did know though that out was her illness turning her in a childish yes arrive person. Of course it was easier to deal with it because I didn't live with her. It took a long time for the proper treatment to be found and in the meantime she tried to kill herself a couple of times but when it was found in just a few weeks she became the lovely person she was before. She then a lovely man and had 2 children at 38 and 41 andis doing brilliantly.

only you will know if you want to stick by him and try to help him in the hope he becomes the man you feel in live with again. He might our he might not the tamarisk could become stronger or overwhelming. I know it is really but maybe he is worth fighting with?

dragonette

My OH sounds very similar (minus the screaming at me, he doesn't have the confidence for that). The second type of meds he went on were horrendous for him, and me. Its not easy living with someone who suffers from major depression. His mum is only now accepting that he needs help.

Only you know if its a recent change of heart for you (which may be the depression) or a longer term issue. Please do not blame him for his illness, if you do feel you have to leave then be very aware of how you say things to him as when his mind won't shut off and the depression gets louder and nastier he will believe that he is worthless and not worth any consideration. The being scared to be alone is because the thoughts start then, the screaming inside his head and the paralysing fear. As it affects everyone differently I'm exttrapolating from my OH's experiences - neither of you are alone in feeling any of this.

OTOH, depression isn't always bad and we have good times too. A recent holiday and finishing his meds meant we're just back at work from a fantastic weekend away. And remember that in effect you are his carer atm (though others may not recognise it) and you do need time for yourself as well. I posted up a thread a few weeks ago asking for practical advice and got some wonderful support that moved me to tears. Don't think I can post the link yet.

Sorry if this isn't very coherent, tryong to post quickly at work. PM me if you want to talk (hugs)

ItchyFeet

I think you probably owe it to both of you to give him some support and try to help him through whatever this is.

He is obviously struggling and whilst he might be behaving differently to the man you fell in love with, that man hasn't completely disappeared. He's frightened and sad and could probably do without his 'partner' leaving because he's ill. Would you do the same if he had cancer? I'm not saying you should stay for the next 10 years when things haven't improved but at least give it a concerted effort.

hazyjo

I have direct experience with bipolar - and know antidepressants can make it worse. If it is that (which it sounds to me like it might be), I've found it helps if they understand they're like they are because of being bipolar. They can learn to see their behaviour as out of the ordinary. Try not to 'react'. If he starts on at you over the silliest thing, sometimes humour helps. I tend to say 'my little bipolar bear' or something as a bit of a nickname now. Or refer to it as being an episode. It's helped. I've pointed things out when he's 'in normal mode' and he definitely takes it on board. It's helped massively rather than reacting at a time when he's probably unaware he's being unreasonable. If he's like that all the time, it's time for another trip to the docs. Be careful with the antidepressants - google for more info. Can def do more harm than good with bipolar!

Jx