Relationship over - uncertain about the future

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Tweety wrote: »

Thank you - I din't try hard enough and earning big money and being healthy for children was important to him. He lived in an area that would cost a huge amount to buy a house and maybe he looked at me and thought she isn't moving forward to make that possible. He too lived with his family and we were quite similar. He has been working for the same company for 10 years and admitted he could be earning more elsewhere so he picked on me but wasn't so different himself. Those small arguments were cause partly by his inconsistency - but he never saw it that way.

What a !!!!.

He still lives with his mum, but criticises you for doing the same?

Is stuck in a job that doesn't pay enough to look after himself, so criticises you for not being able to buy a posh house for him?

Complains you aren't acceptable breeding stock?

Seriously, had he 'lowered' himself to have children with you, as soon as the next plenty of fish candidate showed up that was thinner and had their own place (and had low enough self esteem to put up with him) he'd dump you for holding him back.

Scumbags like that think themselves so flaming special, but they are in reality, sad, spiteful and nasty individuals with an oversized sense of entitlement and resentment.


You were probably supposed to grovel and beg, then he'd decide to 'give you another chance' if the other dates failed to deliver.


Change your number and never speak to him again. It'll be better that way for you.

NickyBat

Forget him, get out there and find a job, confidence, more friends social life etc will all come in time then maybe you can look to finding your own place.

saskichops

Hi Tweety,

I have been lurking on these forums for a while now and your story got me out of hiding because it is so close to my heart.

I have been through exactly the same except mine was a 7 year relationship. However, the 'man' (and I do use the word lightly) I was with used just about the same excuses. I was a big girl and he plainly stated I was too ugly to get married as he didn`t like 'fat birds'.

Just like you, my life was shattered. I went into complete hiding. Moved out, rented a place for myself and I just got lost in my hobbies (gaming and writing). I didn`t come out much till my best friends pulled me out of the gloom I`d put myself into.

I suggest you do move out, as far away from your ex as you can possible afford to. Take time for yourself and yourself first. That is the most important thing. Self reflection is important. If it makes you feel better (it did for me) make a 'PS I love you' list, thats what I did. I noted down everything that was important to me (be it things from present, past or future). Then start putting steps towards accomplishing it. Obviously it works best with material things but even emotional things can be written down. For instance I wrote down I wanted to find the right person for me, who would accept me as I am. I wrote down what I loved about myself and what I thought people shouldn`t try and change. I then mentally used that as setting everything a guy popped up who told me he fancied me. If he wanted to change but one thing from that list he was out the door so to speak.

If your weight really troubles you (it seems some people are fine with being overweight) then take small steps at a time to achieving weight loss. Don`t go rushing into it or consider surgery because fast weightloss = bad weightloss = great big stretchy skin. If you are fysically up for the weightloss start small by swimming. And if you think people will stare, forget it, they`re too busy making sure they look good in the water. Take up a fitness buddy (HEY I`m available should you live close ) and use all the handy dandy money saving tips to buy descent healthy food.

If you are comfortable with your weight and think people should accept you, there`s plenty of bars/parties etc that cater for men (and women) who like a bigger girl. You`ll find its crowded with lots of tasty men

Yes marriage and kids are for everyone who desire it. After my relationship ended I fell in love so damn quickly that I realised I had wasted a good few years on someone who I didn`t really love either. I moved out of my parents house and in with the guy at 19 so I was just too damn young.

I met my current fiance on the net, we are both huge gamers. And when we first met (huge disaster btw, both waiting at completely different parts of the trainstation) I just absolutely knew he was the last man I would ever date. It took him a whole 5 days to realise the same thing and proposed to me here and there. I have tackled my weight only to learn that my thyroid`s absolutely done and dusted with and is getting removed next week.

Keep your head up, think of yourself and only yourself for a while. Let your friends be your guide and enjoy yourself. 31 is still young and people have kids at 45 and up these days. Learn to get to know yourself because if you don`t know yourself, you can`t make a relationship work.

Best of luck, if you need an ear or want to rant you can pm me
Saskia

Lovelyjoolz

Now I'm going to run the risk of getting flamed for this, but the other view needs to be put. You sound like a bit of a victim here and I'm sure you're not. I'm sure you're stronger than that.

Everyone has posted that you're lucky to be rid of this guy, he's a bully and a creep yada yada yada. But have you looked at this from the other side?

1. Boy meets girl
2. Boy likes girl, but she’s out of work. “Hmm” he thinks, “Do I want to get involved with someone with no prospects. I have a strong work ethic, perhaps we’re not compatible???” But it’s OK, because girl promises she is ACTIVELY looking for work. We ARE alike after all. Problem solved, lets get it on!
3. “Hmmm” he thinks, she’s a bit chubby and doesn’t eat healthily. She doesn’t look after herself. I like to look after myself. Perhaps we’re not compatible?” But, it’s OK, girl assures boy that this is a temporary blip. She is usually slim and healthy and, as well as finding a job, she’s going to loose some weight and look after herself again. We ARE alike after all. Problem solved. Lets get it onNNN!!!

11 Months later…..

1. Boy loves girl.
2. Girl still fat and unemployed and clearly not trying hard enough to change that.
3. Girl still promising one thing and doing another.
4. Boy tired of the broken promises and feels he’s been duped and lied to.
5. Boy finds easy way out of relationship.

Being overweight is fine if you’re happy with it and you’re not pretending to be anything other than who you are. But it sounds like you pretended you want to be slim, but really, you’re not bothered enough about your weight to do anything about it. And that is absolutely fine. But that is not what you led him to believe.

Being out of work is understandable in this economy, but promising a loved one that you’ll try your best to get a job and then, by your own admission, not really putting that much effort in is terrible.

Really this just sounds like you were incompatible. You wanted different things out of life. Don’t beat the guy up for wanting something other than what he got! And if you think that life is passing you by, get on with living it! Move out of home, set up your own home and build your own life. Once you decide who YOU are and what YOU want out of life, you’ll soon find a great man who wants the same things.

VestanPance

The guy sounds like a complete and utter classless idiot. You should be relieved to be rid of someone like that.

System

Even so i dont think

He rounded it off by saying I don’t want to have kids with you becausethey will get teased for having a fat mum. He added that although it may be harsh it genuinely annoys him.

was a very nice way of ending a relationship. Do you?

Lovelyjoolz

Tweety wrote: »

I do want to lose the weight for me mainly

Excellent! That's the ONLY reason to loose weight.

Tweety wrote: »

but also because (rightly or wrongly) I do think a lot of men look at the physical side of a person more than anything else.

Oh, so not really for you then? It's only to attract a man? And what happens when you find him? Get fat again?

Your 'pair' won't give two hoots how fat or thin you are. That is the point!

Besides, being thin if you are prone to carrying extra weight involves a complete lifestyle change. You can't just diet 'til you're thin and then go back to eating the way you do now. You'll just get fat again. You need to give up your current lifestyle FOR EVER. Do you want to do that?

I know I'd rather be a size 14 and be able to eat the occasional pizza than be a size 8 and never eat chocolate again!!

Lovelyjoolz

Judi wrote: »

Even so i dont think



was a very nice way of ending a relationship. Do you?

No, it wasn't. And I'm not saying that the guy wasn't weak and cowardly for ending it the way he did. I'm just saying that the real reason he wanted to end it might have been feeling he'd been lied to. He just wasn't man enough to admit that and talk it through!

downsizer3

Men are notoriously rubbish at ending things but that one takes the biscuit!

I'm now in my mid 40s and I can safely say that (despite looking better in hindsight, less wrinkly etc) I hated my 30s. If you're not the one walking up the aisle you're feeling rubbish and I spent most of my 30s single. Its a strange in-between age and the best thing you can do is to work on what you want - not whats expected of you - nor what everyone else is up to. Funnily enough - getting to where you want to be seems to make other things slot into place.

You're well rid and just do what it takes to make yourself happy for now - and start looking to your own future - be it a flat or travelling or taking up karate ( handy when you meet the ex....)
Good luck.

FBaby

I am totally with lovelyjoolz on this one. People fall in love with someone for who they are there and then, but also very much because of the prospect they see in their union. If that potential doesn't come to fruit, it is not unusual to fall out of love.

Breaking up with someone is always hard because the other party both wants to hear the truth for their decision to break-up (easier than to torture yourself with suppositions), but also feel resentful that they used these reasons to break-up.

I agree that most likely, he decided that you were not compatible as a couple long term and it was better to break-up. You telling him you wanted to break-up in the first place might have been the catalyst to his decision.

Being dumped by someone you still love is devastating and only time will help heal the pain. It is totally normal that you should not only grieve him as a person but also the vision you had of your future together.

It is also natural to feel old already at 31 when you are single but wish you were settle. You have to remember that anything can happen and it can sometimes happen very quickly, so age alone doesn't mean much in terms of what your future might look like, however, as it's been said a number of times, if you want to settle in a relationship that will bring you happiness and contentment, you need to learn to love yourself first and that's what you will need to focus your attention on as soon as you feel up to facing the world again.