Relationship over - uncertain about the future

Tweety

Thank you to all of you for replying. You have all given meencouragement…

Ballet shoes: it does bother me and you are right - now is the time to think of the next steps. I am struggling to find what direction my life should go in next. I know this is something I need to sort out…but I’m struggling.

Jojo the Tightfisted: I think he did say those things to make dumping me easier on himself and I really do think he is lapping up the sympathy by telling everyone I dumped him by text. It scares me to think how someone can switch from nice to horrible just like that. I also do believe that when he met me he did like me but thought he could change my weight. He was wrong to think that was possible asyou shouldn’t enter relationships trying to change the other person.

HeadAboveWater: thank you for the hug Me time does sound nice and I am so happy to hearit all worked out for you. It does giveme hope that maybe there is someone who is out there looking for someone like me.

londonsurrey: I really do want to lose the weight and I know that is where the confidence will grow. I also know health wise it is not really good to be so overweight. I weighed the same as my bf (ex bf I should say now) and he had more height so I can see why hehad the concerns. I do think long term I will have a better quality of life if I am healthy. That isn’t to say that I shouldn’t be happynow as I am sure being thin isn’t the only thing a person strives to be in life.

fluffnutter: you are right I do lack self-esteem and I don’t know why I have become like this. I have always been a big girl but I honestly didn’t care what people thought and was confident inmyself. I do think turning 30 hit me bad. I just looked at what I didn’t have and maybe became desperate. I don’t think I have handled that well at all…

podperson: I think I’m hurt that someone I loved could be so nasty and end things so quickly and harshly. But I also knowthat the things he said bother me too so I need to work on them. Workwise, I think a move into central London would be good. It would be a new challenge and also there are chances to interact with people at a different level to my current place of work. I plan to job hunt today and to also look at gyms in the area.

memoryoftrees: I know what you mean those dating sites can put you off a man for life. That is how we met, a dating site, but before him there were a few first and only dates with people that made me want to give up looking. I think your deadline is achievable but don’t close the door – someone once told me we are all made in pairs. You need to find your pair or he needs to get faster at finding you! I do like your outlook though – it makes the whole idea of being single less painful.

Saturnalia:thank you for the hug and to answer your question I am currently working in the public sector. I wanted to move into the private sector and told the ex that when I met him. I really want to be in the same line of work but perhaps for a bigger company and also a busier role. I do want to lose the weight for me mainly but also because (rightly or wrongly) I do think a lot of men look at the physical side of a person more than anything else.

fannyanna: I don’t think your post is cruel at all. In fact, it is quite fair to say he meant thecomments as I am overweight and I had said I wanted a new job but maybe hadn’tdone enough to look for one. But still,being in a relationship shouldn’t be about changing a person or muscling in ontheir personal goals. I feel instead of judging me he should have been following his own goals and not attached them tothe relationship. I do have a job anddid go to the gym for two months whilst with him – I only stopped recentlybecause I went to Spain and lacked the motivation to get going again. On the flip side he hasn’t been to the gymsince June and hasn’t had a holiday to stop him from going. He wasn’t big or overweight but did have a belly– I just wasn’t as cruel as him and didn’t mention it.

I really do want to be healthy, confident and in a new role and myaim is to have made good progress on each by the end of the year. 2013 can then be a fresh star and hopefully have a much better ending.


Not sure why so many words do not have a space beteen them in my OP - they were there when i typed it - hope they are in this one as i know it makes it hard to read. Thanks again for reading and responding. You have cheered me up and given me hope!

Tweety

good_vibes wrote: »

If it wasn't your wgt, am sure he would find something else to bully you with.
Been there already. Ex said he wounldn't find me attactive if I was over wgt, but dis me because I was attractive and "chatting up other men"
He ended up with someone 2 dress sizes up from me. I think she put her foot down from the start and didn't tolerate his nastyness from the start.
Leave, move forward, before he leaves lasting damage to your soul.
Ask for no contact and hold your head up high. Put all those good vibes into getting yourself a job

Yes, he made his mind up and wasn't man enough to tell me a real reason so picked on something that he knew would hurt. I am glad you are not with your ex anymore.

Yes, a new job and will make me feel a lot better. I think it will also give me the confidence that I can meet my goals.

Fire_Fox

Bearing in mind you say he was a nice guy for eleven months .... Those excuses can be him feeling (consciously or subconsciously) that his partner was not working towards a future together - neither advancing your career nor losing weight to be healthy for childbearing. Living with your family in your thirties also might also suggest to some you are not ready to settle down and be a wife/ mother. You are definitely not too old to start again, if people settle down they tend to marry or start a family within the first couple of years. In your thirties it would be normal to mention that sooner rather than later.

bargainbetty

Find your own happiness your own way. Let the sh*tbag fade from your memory and focus on getting to where you want to be. I was married at 26. Divorced by 30. I'm not cut out to be a wife and mother, but that's just me. Sit down and have a look at your life, and work out what matters to you.

The best thing about being single is the fact that your happiness is in your own hands - it is up to you what you do with it.

I'd make sure that douchebag saw me looking utterly fabulous and unavailable at least once or twice, but I'm also petty.

Good luck.

Tweety

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Bearing in mind you say he was a nice guy for eleven months .... Those excuses can be him feeling (consciously or subconsciously) that his partner was not working towards a future together - neither advancing your career nor losing weight to be healthy for childbearing. Living with your family in your thirties also might also suggest to some you are not ready to settle down and be a wife/ mother. You are definitely not too old to start again, if people settle down they tend to marry or start a family within the first couple of years. In your thirties it would be normal to mention that sooner rather than later.

Thank you - I din't try hard enough and earning big money and being healthy for children was important to him. He lived in an area that would cost a huge amount to buy a house and maybe he looked at me and thought she isn't moving forward to make that possible. He too lived with his family and we were quite similar. He has been working for the same company for 10 years and admitted he could be earning more elsewhere so he picked on me but wasn't so different himself. Those small arguments were cause partly by his inconsistency - but he never saw it that way.

System

If the man loves you he will come back.... and when he does i hope you tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

Tweety

bargainbetty wrote: »

Find your own happiness your own way. Let the sh*tbag fade from your memory and focus on getting to where you want to be. I was married at 26. Divorced by 30. I'm not cut out to be a wife and mother, but that's just me. Sit down and have a look at your life, and work out what matters to you.

The best thing about being single is the fact that your happiness is in your own hands - it is up to you what you do with it.

I'd make sure that douchebag saw me looking utterly fabulous and unavailable at least once or twice, but I'm also petty.

Good luck.

That isn't petty that is a good idea

Are you sure about the wife/mother bit? Does it ever bother you when you see others with children and make you think about whether you should still have them?

Yes, happiness is in my hands now and maybe if i have a place of my own i may find it easier to start working on me.

I don't know why I am even thinking of one day still wanting marriage/kids as right now all men just scare me!

Tweety

Judi wrote: »

If the man loves you he will come back.... and when he does i hope you tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

:rotfl:I will. The one thing I can never do is take him back. His comments were too harsh and he knows that they would have hurt. Besides, I think at 30 and 31 we both need to mature based on how we handled things. For me, seeing him again would be going backwards.

System

The one thing I can never do is take him back

Good girl!

Fire_Fox

Tweety wrote: »

Thank you - I din't try hard enough and earning big money and being healthy for children was important to him. He lived in an area that would cost a huge amount to buy a house and maybe he looked at me and thought she isn't moving forward to make that possible. He too lived with his family and we were quite similar. He has been working for the same company for 10 years and admitted he could be earning more elsewhere so he picked on me but wasn't so different himself. Those small arguments were cause partly by his inconsistency - but he never saw it that way.

You could well have hit the nail on the head there, seeing his own 'faults' reflected in you. Much like Bargainbetty I married at 22 and divorced in my early thirties, I always knew I was not destined to be a mother but now believe I am not cut out to be a wife either. Now pushing forty I have no regrets, neither does my amazing seventy-something maiden aunt. But if you have always wanted a husband and children make it happen: lose the weight, change jobs, join dating sites or go on singles adventure holidays, let everyone know you are up for blind dates. Some men find a woman who makes life happen very sexy indeed.