Relationship over - uncertain about the future

Tweety

Just looking for some advice and maybe just need to let out thehurt I am feeling.

I have been in an 11 month relationship that seemed to begoing so well but over the last two weeks things have been a little strainedwith petty arguments (nothing big but just small arguments that don’t reallyneed to be had). Last weekend we had ahorrible time and ended up in tears. OnSunday, I found my bf really cold and I felt that he was struggling to find anice way to end things (it was just a hunch). So I sent him a text to ask if that was the case, after being ignored I finallysent a text to say I think you want out etc etc and signed off with bye. Ididn’t really want it to be over and that same night I told him so, but he wasreally angry and in his eyes I had ended things with a text (I agree that thiswas wrong and a little childish on my part).

On Monday he said his head was all over the place but wantedto give it another go. We met on Tuesdayto discuss the future. It was clear thathe had turned up wanting to end things and he did end the relationship. He used really horrible excuses though - hisfirst one was that it annoyed him that I had not proactively looked for anotherjob in 11 months despite me telling him I wanted to. The second was that he noticed when we go outfor meals I always pick unhealthy options. He mentioned it niggled him that I needto lose weight and don’t do anything about it. He rounded it off by saying I don’t want to have kids with you becausethey will get teased for having a fat mum. He added that although it may be harsh it genuinely annoys him.

For at least 7 of our 11 months he told me loved me, he wasalways kind, caring and genuinely quite a nice person. I’m guessing the harsh reasons were his wayof ensuring that I wouldn’t pester him to try again and effectively making sureit was over. I keep tuning his wordsover in my head and comparing them to happy times and I am in disbelief that thishas happened.

I am hurting a lot – I felt like my future was somehow allsorted and now I’m back to square one. I’m31, probably 4 stone over weight and I don’t feel like I have achievedanything. I know I should be simultaneouslygetting my weight down and looking for a job. And that will be my starting point. Then maybe with time start looking again for a partner. But part of me thinks I’m old, by the time I findsomeone, get to know them, settle down and then think about kids I will mostlikely be too old to have them.

I currently live with my family. I just don’t know whether I should move out(either rent or buy) and start getting used to the thought that maybe marriage,kids etc doesn’t happen for everybody.

I just don’t know what to do and maybe it is just too soonto think about things as it has only been two days. The only good thing is I think is I am morescared/upset about what the future holds rather than the person I have lost…so Iguess that tells me I maybe wasn’t as in love with him as I was with the ideaof being settled and married.

Sorry for the long post.

balletshoes

You're 31, you've just got rid of a huge weight (the mean guy you thought you were in love with) and the world is your oyster.

Its natural to feel scared/a bit worried etc when a life situation changes, but I really do think this life change is for the best.

Go have a serious think about what you want to do - do you want to move into your own place? Do you want to travel? Do you want to go for long walks? Whatever you want to do, plan them and do them . Being overweight is not necessarily a barrier to anything you want to do in your life, but if it really bothers you, try exercise (find something you enjoy doing, makes it much easier to keep doing it) instead of concentrating on how much/how little you eat.

Oh - and don't tell anyone anything important by text again .

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He's trying to justify not having the bottle to dump you himself. Hence the nonsense about you doing it by text, hence the spiteful stuff to deflect away from him being a d-head.

You're not on the shelf yet, not by a long way. And now you're free of this creep, you can decide what you want to do.

HeadAboveWater

First of all.... *hug*

Just wanna tell you not to let this get you down. I'm sorry to hear it hasn't worked out, but he may just not be the right person for you.

I split up with my ex of 6 years 5 years ago. Hadn't a clue what was going to happen to me. Decided then I was gonna get my life on track. Work out who I am. What I want. Who my friends are. Do what I want to do. Get my debts sorted. Basically, my first priority was gonna be ME. If, down the line, a guy happened to fit in with me and my life, then so be it, but I refused to let my life revolve around a guy.

I turned 30 last year whilst I was off on WRS, and a few months later met my now OH. I couldn't be happier now. My life has done a complete turn around. I'm in love. I've a new job. I'm out of debt. I'm living with my OH and his girls....

Keep smiling. Don't look to the past. Starting now, chin up, and move forward. Put it down to experience, but most importantly, have some ME time to yourself and enjoy it

londonsurrey

Get to know yourself. Are you actually going to lose weight, or is the reality that it's just not compatible with the real you? It's normally a combination of factors, including health, fertility issues, self motivation, preferences that determine if someone actually loses weight and keeps it off.

If realistically, you are not going to lose weight, then enjoy it. Embrace your curves. There are men out there who prefer not to cuddle up to sticks.

Find yourself, the real you. You'll be together for a long time.

fluffnutter

Tweety wrote: »

I’m31, probably 4 stone over weight and I don’t feel like I have achievedanything. I know I should be simultaneouslygetting my weight down and looking for a job. And that will be my starting point. Then maybe with time start looking again for a partner. But part of me thinks I’m old, by the time I findsomeone, get to know them, settle down and then think about kids I will mostlikely be too old to have them.

This is your problem - your lack of self-esteem and your fears for the future. The relationship is secondary to this. 31's not old, lovey. I've just had my first baby and I'm knocking 40! As you say, why not spend some time working on things that make you feel better for you, regardless of having a partner. You need to be happy before you meet someone; an unhappy person just makes for an unhappy relationship.

I know it's a cliche, but it's true - you're better off on your own than with someone who's not right for you. Give yourself some time to mourn your relationship but try not to see it as the end of hope. You'll meet someone, promise.

podperson

Hun, it sounds like he was hurting and trying to 'save some face' getting out of the relationship so was being very spiteful. What I would suggest you think about is whether you're hurt at the moment because someone you thought loved you said some rather nasty things - or whether you're hurt because the things he said are things that bother you about yourself too.
There's nothing wrong with a bit bigger if you're happy and confident that way, some curvier women are absolutely gorgeous. But if you're not happy the way you are then think of this as an opportunity to work on you - with no distractions. What do you want out of life? If you're struggling to find work could you perhaps look at a new career direction or some training? If you want to lose weight/get healthier maybe use it as a chance to join a slimming group, go to an exercise class, join a walkers group - you can get healthier and meet new people.
You're still only young - you have time to meet someone new and have the whole family situation, but that tends to come when you're happier and more confident in yourself as that is what attracts people to you.

memoryoftrees

Hi, I really feel for you. I'm the same age as you (about to turn 32 actually ) and while I appreciate it's not old it feels it, when everybody else seems to be "getting sorted."

I think I started to realise a couple of years ago, around the time I turned 30 in fact that the "fairytale" wasn't going to happen to me and I did feel really sad about it. For a while I couldn't accept it and I'd watch/read Twilight :rotfl:and wish someone loved me like that and imagine the wedding I wasn't going to have and the babies and the John Lewis ad Christmases.

Then I started really looking and that was when a realisation dawned on me - that I actually didn't want that. I went on plentyoffish and was messaged by men who wanted to show me their willies - no thank you! :eek::rotfl:I saw friends' marriages disintegrate and that they couldn't cope on their own and it was the worst thing that could ever happen to them, and watched beautiful and professional women cling onto men who frankly weren't fit to lick their shoes.

I am cynical about it all. I totally believe in love and marriage but it has got to be for the right reasons (and even then it isn't a given it will work.)

When I really thought about it I realised I wanted a baby and I decided to give myself until summer 2013 (I will be 33 - just) and if no man has turned up by then I will be trying for a baby. Although I still have twelve months before my self-imposed deadline I am quite sure it won't happen so have started to 'prepare' financially and in other ways.

I'm so happy and looking forward to my future and that isn't dependent on anybody - just me

Saturnalia

Aww lovey, I'm the same age & in in a similar boat to you, have a great big hug!

So if I read your OP correctly, you live with your family and aren't working right now. That's a good thing in a way as it gives you time, space and support for the next stage.

What I'd recommend you do now is: nothing. Except lots of planning & thinking & bouncing ideas around in your own head. Do you genuinely want to lose weight or is it just your idiot ex's words (that he only said in order to hurt you, he is an idiot!) in your head? Work that one out then start thinking of ways you could achieve it sensibly. Cut down your portion sizes a tad? Walk to town and back every other day? Slimming club?

Same as your job hunting. Do you want to be working? What sort of jobs are realistic with your skills and the area you live in? Is your CV the best it could be and are you accessing all the help you can in jobsearching? (Jobcentres are hit and miss, in my experience some advisors are great and others a bit carp!) Again, have a good long think, take notes and make plans.

Above all, be gentle on yourself. No big life-changing decisions right now, just time out to decide on what you want your next moves to be.

fannyanna

I'm sorry that you're not feeling good following your split.

Going slightly against the grain have you considered that his reasons for splitting were actually genuine.

11 months without a job is quite a long time. I don't know the facts so I'm speculating (and could therefore have it completely wrong) but could it be a case that he felt as though he was supporting you and you weren't doing enough to find another job. I know I wouldn't be happy with my Husband if he was out of work for 11 months.

With regards to the weight this can be a real turn off for some people and can also show a lack of self control. He could be one of these people. P.S. I'm not judging as I'm overweight so can't talk.

You're 31 and live with your parents. To him this could come across as you lacking responsibility / drive to get by on your own.

I'm not trying to be horrible but I'm just trying to show that perhaps he really is annoyed with these things. You might have just been completely different people and weren't compatible.

good_vibes

If it wasn't your wgt, am sure he would find something else to bully you with.
Been there already. Ex said he wounldn't find me attactive if I was over wgt, but dis me because I was attractive and "chatting up other men"
He ended up with someone 2 dress sizes up from me. I think she put her foot down from the start and didn't tolerate his nastyness from the start.
Leave, move forward, before he leaves lasting damage to your soul.
Ask for no contact and hold your head up high. Put all those good vibes into getting yourself a job