mortgage deeds feeling safe

tea_lover

animallover123 wrote: »

we are basically married but without the papers to say we are

But the papers are the only bit that counts if things do go wrong. There's no such thing as 'basically married', or common law marriage or anything like that - you're either married or you're not. Tbh it sounds like you would be so much better off just running away as fast as you can.

Mojisola

animallover123 wrote: »

i could see us living in harmony and then boosh a argument and him throwing my stuff out of the window and then throwing me out of the house so i just wanted to make sure that i had rights

Whatever rights you have on paper, do you think that will stop him throwing your stuff and you out when he gets angry?

What will you do then, living miles from anywhere, unable to drive?

podperson

Mojisola wrote: »

Whatever rights you have on paper, do you think that will stop him throwing your stuff and you out when he gets angry?

What will you do then, living miles from anywhere, unable to drive?

Completely agree with this - even if you have your name on the house then since you've said he has a history of abusive behaviour then a bit of paper is not going to stop him physically trying to throw you out in a temper. If you did split up what do you think would happen, you'd be able to stay in the house with him while he raged at you just because you'd have no where else to go? Even if you could go to a solicitors and go through the drawn out process of forcing him to sell the house and give you something then you'll still have to find somewhere in the meantime.

Tbh hun it sounds like you have very low self-esteem and don't think you deserve any better then to be treated like this. It's fine to make excuses because he has an illness but it doesn't sound like he's making any effort to try and deal with the problems it causes - he's been offered help like the anger management but 'can't be bothered' to go. Instead you tiptoe round him and let him do whatever he wants in case something sets him off.

Tiddlywinks

animallover123 wrote: »

my partner is going with or without me so i just wanted to know where i stand really

Doesn't sound like a committed relationship to me - he is going with or without you? Really? Why are you with him if he cares so little about staying together?

loubel

Given all that you have said about your relationship, I too would be wary about entering into such a major commitment as buying a property together, especially with a mortgage.

But if you do decide to go ahead, it sounds like you should both seek independent legal advice on the joint ownership in addition to the conveyancing work by your joint solicitor.

animallover123

well i dont have much choice now, i rung partner said like to think about it and he went mad said am i commiting to him or not and said i had to sign today as he made a appointment and cant let this man down, and that i didnt need to come to appointment as he had to go straight back to work and just sign agreement which i did and gave him my passport, said i didnt need to be there for that and only there for the solicters stuff, i dont know what to think i dont feel happy i getting a new home, i dont feel anything,apart from my pets will love the place

Mojisola

animallover123 wrote: »

well i dont have much choice now, i rung partner said like to think about it and he went mad said am i commiting to him or not and said i had to sign today as he made a appointment and cant let this man down, and that i didnt need to come to appointment as he had to go straight back to work and just sign agreement which i did and gave him my passport, said i didnt need to be there for that and only there for the solicters stuff, i dont know what to think i dont feel happy i getting a new home, i dont feel anything,apart from my pets will love the place

Madness! Do you know for sure what you're signed and what you've committed yourself to?

Fire_Fox

animallover123 wrote: »

hi thanks for all your replies when he was off for 6 months when i first got together with him and i tried to go out with friends he tried to push me out of our bedroom window and he had conselling and 6 months off work and i sopprted him and payed for his hobbies so he didnt get depressed and then he had a incident with a family memeber last year where they went to hospital and it went to the police but they never filed anything as his family as long as he promised to see a anger managerment counseller but he went 3 x got bored and pretended to his family he was still going, since then things have been a little better as long as i dont shout, or ask him to many questions and let him get on with what he wants to do, i see what you say about the animals and i guess loniness i know i live near my family now but they working and i may seen them once a week and that is it and my partner works long hours or away or out with friends so i wanted a big dog to protect me as moving into country and i be a little scared at nights but day time i love it and so will the animals - i havent had counselling no but i have very low self esteem i dont like anyone to look at me and if i am in public situations i get very red faced and hot and my heart races i never use to be like this i was the life and soul of the party but since being with my partner i put on weight i dont look like i use to and i have health problems and i just like to spend time with my animals, by the house we live is a animal rescue and my dream is to be able to learn to drive and volunteer there walk the dogs as they rescue dogs from pounds and abroad and to be a volunteer you need to drive as they dont allow anyone to walk them but you can take to vets and do home checks and i would love to maybe get my face known there and perhaps work there one day but you need to drive to work there even to be a receptionsist as they had that advertised on there board and i was so pleased til i saw you had to have a valid clean driving licence, so i am thinking move there, have my animals and help the other animals and maybe get a careeer from that once i pass to drive,

Like I said my ex-husband had Aspergers so I understand your situation very well. It's mental and physical abuse regardless of how often, there are reasons in the learning disability but there are no excuses. Aspies may not easily be able to control their tempers and may not have the same social skills but they CAN understand right from wrong, and they CAN make an effort to change. Why are you with someone who has so little regard for you that he won't do anger management? Do you need to feel needed? Why are you in a situation where you cannot be yourself, cannot do what you want, cannot speak or shout if you want to? How is that an equal partnership? I have to say I consciously never stopped arguing back and have the scars to prove it. But I walked away from a stormy relationship with my self respect. If you have mental health/ anxiety issues your doctor can help that - maybe medication initially enough to attend the counselling sessions and address the weight. Why do you want this destructive relationship more than you want to be confident and the life and soul again?

Working with animals is often minimum wage, you can't run a car on that let alone support yourself and the animals you have. TBH if you volunteer with your current state of mind IMO you will end up trying to adopt yet more animals and could end up hoarding. Animals should enhance an already happy life, they shouldn't be a crutch, escape route or way to hide from real life. Really sorry to be so negative, it's because I do understand and I do care. A lot of what you are saying is me - the aspie, no children, the health issues, not driving.

Fire_Fox

animallover123 wrote: »

well i dont have much choice now, i rung partner said like to think about it and he went mad said am i commiting to him or not and said i had to sign today as he made a appointment and cant let this man down, and that i didnt need to come to appointment as he had to go straight back to work and just sign agreement which i did and gave him my passport, said i didnt need to be there for that and only there for the solicters stuff, i dont know what to think i dont feel happy i getting a new home, i dont feel anything,apart from my pets will love the place

Of course you have a choice. It doesn't sound to me like your partner gives two hoots about you, only about what he wants and controlling you to get it. You can ring the solicitor and say you signed under pressure - I rather suspect that is illegal anyway. You are not happy and have said very little positive about the man or the relationship so !!!!!! get out. It doesn't even sound like he is happy, just being allowed to indulge all the negative aspects of being an Aspie instead of participating in a normal healthy relationship. How are you helping him by letting him think this is an acceptable way to treat another human being?

Gigervamp

Another thing to consider, if you're on the mortgage and deeds and he stops paying the mortgage, you are just as liable for paying it. I think you would have more security if you aren't tied to the house. At least then, you could walk away without the bank chasing you for payment of the debt.