Apologising

Wickedkitten

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

My mum expects me to apologise for something I said. Yet I meant it. She knows I meant it and I think cannot deal with me voicing an opinion.

So if I apologise, it's only because she's told me I (in her view) was rude. Not because I think I was rude, I wasn't.

How does it work in this case? Do I apologise to keep the peace and move on, or not because I don't think I've got anything to apologise for and it's just that she heard something she didn't want to hear....

I know no one can really tell me what to do, but it got me thinking about the true meaning of an apology.....

Personally I wouldn't bother apologising unless you actually mean it

Mr_Toad

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

My mum expects me to apologise for something I said. Yet I meant it. She knows I meant it and I think cannot deal with me voicing an opinion.

So if I apologise, it's only because she's told me I (in her view) was rude. Not because I think I was rude, I wasn't.

How does it work in this case? Do I apologise to keep the peace and move on, or not because I don't think I've got anything to apologise for and it's just that she heard something she didn't want to hear....

I know no one can really tell me what to do, but it got me thinking about the true meaning of an apology.....

Sounds like my mother. I refuse to play her mind games, she expects me to help her with many aspects of her life, she's 84, and I do so willingly.

However, she's strong willed and doesn't like to be contradicted or if I'm honest, given advice, especially if it isn't the advice she wants to hear.

I said something on Monday she new was right but didn't like and in the end did what I suggested. The following day I got a phone call telling me I'd made her feel useless and a burden and had treated her like a child, all very angry and accusatory.

I said no I hadn't, I'd given my opinion and it was different to hers and the decision we'd agreed on in the end had been the right one and she knew it. I hadn't forced it on her and had treated her with respect.

I stopped apologising years ago and simply tell her that if she wants my help she has to stop treating me like a 12 year old who knows less than she does.

On a couple of occasions I've deferred to her when the decision was a close call and either view might be the correct one. Usually it has turned out that my choice would have been the right one. She is quite happy to pick over past arguments but doesn't like being countered with her failings, she's manipulative, we both know it, and she doesn't like the fact that she's no longer in the dominant position.

What your mother is trying to do is take the moral high ground and control of the relationship. She's treating you like a child and not an adult equal.

Mr_Toad

I forgot to add that when I go and see my mother her opening remark is usually "Oh, it's you, you're not dead then."

This is her way of telling me I don't visit often enough, this despite the fact I call round several times a week. It doesn't matter how often, it's never enough.

Tropez

I wouldn't worry about it. You're both adults, presumably.

Nicki

Something can be true and a genuinely held opinion, but yet one which you don't really have any business to express, and is therefore rude because uninvited? It's hard to know what yours was with no information or context.

But examples might be: volunteering an opinion that her relationship with her husband or partner is dysfunctional (absent knowing of any domestic violence), that her physical appearance is unpleasant (if no health concerns), that a religious belief or a hobby she is passionate about is stupid, that something she has bought is a waste of money. I would not say any of these things to my parents unless asked to give an opinion on them, and if my own children did this to me when they become adults I would think them rude and would probably point that out to them.

Blue_Monkey

snozberry wrote: »

....she chose to become upset. It was her reaction to what you said. She chose to react in that way. She could have let your comment go over her head but it didn't. Maybe you touched upon a raw nerve and it got her thinking...

Mojisola wrote: »

If she was upset by something that's true but she didn't want to hear, that reaction was hers. You weren't setting out to upset her.

^^^^ This is what I suspect is what's happened. Essentially, she poked her nose into another family member's business and then was all "Well I suppose it's my fault / they're blaming me"... I told her I thought she should've stayed out of it. It was apparently the way I'd said it. Then it became my fault for upsetting her..........................................

The mind boggles.

Anyway, we've agreed to draw a line under it, and I said I was sorry the whole thing upset her so much.

marisco_2

Think back over the conversation that you had. Were you rude in any way to your mum when you put your opinion across to her? Or is this a case of your mum not liking what you said, even though you made a relevant point, so now turning things on you by saying you were rude.

How is your relationship with your mum? Does she listen to your point of view, repsect it and treat you well normally. Or does she take no notice of anything you think and feel and carry on as she is now.

You know the situation best of course and decide on the best way forward. An apology that you dont mean or have no need to make is pointless and will come across as insincere.

Tish_P

I wouldn't apologise unless there's something you genuinely feel sorry for - one of those "I'm sorry that you hysterically overreacted to my entirely reasonable behaviour" nonapologies would be worse than nothing.

But if you want to keep the peace and you think she is likely to give you the benefit of the doubt, find something minor about it that you would prefer to have done differently and apologise for that. Eg: "My views are the same as ever but I am truly sorry for (my bad timing / awkward phrasing / raising my voice / implying that your cat smells bad) and I would never want to hurt you like I obviously did. Let's avoid the subject in future as I would hate to fall out over this."

Or just let her stew until she calms down. Your call.

missprice

masonn wrote: »

I stopped apologising years ago and simply tell her that if she wants my help she has to stop treating me like a 12 year old who knows less than she does.

this got me because all 12 year olds know EVERYTHING:)
well mine did at that age.

OP never surrender/apologise/give in. it only makes them worse.
I am of course joking and do what you feel best but probs best to say sorry for upsetting you but I stand by my words

balletshoes

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Anyway, we've agreed to draw a line under it, and I said I was sorry the whole thing upset her so much.

sounds like you dealt with it fine.