Leaving work to care for wife.

TheMooma

Heycock wrote: »

There's also personalised funding to consider but it's means tested. Not sure of the figures but I think over 13k in the bank means no funding. that's something to check with social services and relates to what Mojisola was saying about assessments. Particularly the carers assessment. Also ask your GP about any local schemes for carers. Carers are slowly but surely starting to be considered. Early days but things ARE moving though not to the same degree in each area.

Oh no, she is on benefits we havn't got anything in the bank and all I have is my normal wage and that will be gone when the bill are paid and it doesn't go anywhere near £13k. Sadly I didnt make 1 of that 100 £1m winners on the lottery. :rotfl:

Mojisola

It's worth getting in contact with a carer's support organisation such as https://www.carersuk.org/ You may find there is a group in your area where you can meet up with others and learn from their experiences.

Also, see if there is a Crossroads Care group around you. They are a charity who provide carers with a break, both on a regular basis and in an emergency situation. We have someone who comes for a morning to be with Dad so I can do other things.

TheMooma

Mojisola wrote: »

It's worth getting in contact with a carer's support organisation such as .. You may find there is a group in your area where you can meet up with others and learn from their experiences.

Also, see if there is a Crossroads Care group around you. They are a charity who provide carers with a break, both on a regular basis and in an emergency situation. We have someone who comes for a morning to be with Dad so I can do other things.

I have already been offered that, i forget what is was called but I told them to not worry about that for now as it is my wife they need to sort out first, quality of life and that. This caring lark is not easy it is?

Mojisola

TheMooma wrote: »

I have already been offered that, i forget what is was called but I told them to not worry about that for now as it is my wife they need to sort out first, quality of life and that. This caring lark is not easy it is?

No, it certainly isn't. It's also hidden away. Most carers get quite isolated and lose a lot of their old life when they leave work to become carers. The help doesn't always come in the order that seems most sensible but don't turn down any offers of help. It will eventually all fall into place.

If you've been offered Crossroads help, I would take them up on it. All the help you can get will contribute towards your wife's quality of life. The carers will do a range of things - help your wife with bathing, take her out and about for a change of scene, take her to the shops - whatever she is capable of and wants to do. It also means she has someone different to talk you and will hear the carer's news. She will then have something new to tell you about.

incorrect_2

As others have said take all the help you can get, years ago there was no help for carers or virtually no help. So many carers have health problems due to the fact they never get a break. I myself have health problems and being a carer has certainly contributed to them. When you give up work and you are at home all day every day and if you have to get out of bed several times every night it can really get to be quite tough so please do take up any offer of help.

margaretclare

incorrect wrote: »

As others have said take all the help you can get, years ago there was no help for carers or virtually no help. So many carers have health problems due to the fact they never get a break. I myself have health problems and being a carer has certainly contributed to them. When you give up work and you are at home all day every day and if you have to get out of bed several times every night it can really get to be quite tough so please do take up any offer of help.

I think the worst part of it must be - not having a decent night's sleep. Bit like having a new baby, but at least, with them you know it's not for ever, that baby will eventually sleep through the night.

That, and not having the wife/husband you thought you had, with whom you were going to grow old together, continue enjoying things, going out together, having fun. Seeing the steady and irreversible changes must be heartrending and a constant drain on the human spirit.

TheMooma

margaretclare wrote: »

I think the worst part of it must be - not having a decent night's sleep. Bit like having a new baby, but at least, with them you know it's not for ever, that baby will eventually sleep through the night.

That, and not having the wife/husband you thought you had, with whom you were going to grow old together, continue enjoying things, going out together, having fun. Seeing the steady and irreversible changes must be heartrending and a constant drain on the human spirit.

It is, especially when my wife tells me that I have failed her for years because of working but now it is at the point where care and quality of life is not most important and she has told me to get my priorities right. _pale_

margaretclare

TheMooma wrote: »

It is, especially when my wife tells me that I have failed her for years because of working but now it is at the point where care and quality of life is not most important and she has told me to get my priorities right. _pale_

I am sorry about this. I am sure you have NOT failed her.

It reminds me of when my first husband was still alive, with a steadily-deteriorating heart condition - fortunately he was never in the state your wife seems to be in. I was busy working, and I took the view that it would have helped none of us for me to be at home and the whole family of us living in poverty. Fortunately, again, he was always supportive.

Mojisola

TheMooma wrote: »

It is, especially when my wife tells me that I have failed her for years because of working but now it is at the point where care and quality of life is not most important and she has told me to get my priorities right. _pale_

If this was said as an occasional expression of her own frustration at not being capable herself, try to ignore it.

If this is a regular, drip-drip thing I would seriously reconsider giving up work to be her full-time carer. It's a difficult enough job when the person you're caring for appreciates you. It will wear you down very quickly, mentally and physically, if you're always being told you're not doing things right.

There are a lot of other options for care at home. You are still young at 40 and giving up all your life to care may not be the best choice.

CrazyRed

TheMooma wrote: »

It is, especially when my wife tells me that I have failed her for years because of working but now it is at the point where care and quality of life is not most important and she has told me to get my priorities right. _pale_

^^ This ^^

I can fully understand both points of view here - yours, and your wife's. Don't take literally what she has said and don't dwell on it mentally - high levels of pain and medication can make any saint into a sinner and I doubt very much that she truly meant what she said.

I have just done the self-same thing as you have and finally left the rat-race to focus on the Memsabh.

Biggest decision I have ever had to make (especially considering I have worked since I was 13 - now 41) but I know I won't regret it.

My wife's condition suddenly took a turn for the worse three years ago and we trundled off round the different 'hospitals' and 'specialists' to try and understand just what else had gone wrong. Once we had the results of the scans, etc., the true picture of her ailments was shocking and the need for care was evident.

We even went as far as a Tribunal to get the DWP to formally recognise the care needs and the Judge at the Tribunal mentioned to us both that it was clear that we'd been underplaying the effects of her illness on us as a family for many, many years.

Initially, my employers seemed to be 'on-side' and were very, very supportive of a Flexible Working application. However, at Easter, my manager in her wisdom decided that she would re-align the entire team's contracts to 40 hour contracts (they were 35 hour ones) and then to try and 'gloss over' the FW application that was already in place - it was evident that one of her staff, getting up and leaving at 2.30 in the afternoon (even though I did carry on working remotely once I got home) was a major bugbear to her.

Cut a long story, along with major levels of stress, stress management classes, medication and counselling, short, I finally decided to give up the unequal battle before it claimed my health totally and I ended up useless to both employer and wife.

I put my notice in, explaining the reasons for leaving, and they let me go early, just last Friday. The sense of relief that I feel is enormous and, frankly, the available financial support means that we're not going to be too badly affected over where we were when I was working.

Don't concern yourself with the haters on here and the benefit-bashers - treat them with the contempt they deserve. They don't have to live your life, and I doubt that any one of them could walk a mile in your shoes and do what I know you do every day - it's not just the 'obvious' parts of caring that you do - washing/dressing/practical help - think of all the other little things you do for your wife and you'll quickly realise just how important you are to her. You've got no reason at all to be 'ashamed' or bullied into feeling 'ashamed' or 'guilty' - if anything, you should do the opposite - hold your head up high, be proud that you are providing such a valuable service to a vulnerable member of society and stick two fingers up to the doubters.

People like you and I save this Government a fortune in 'care fees' and we work darned hard for the miserable pittance that the Government sees as our 'worth'.

Good luck to you, and you have definitely made the right decision. Feel free to PM me if you want some advice from my perspective (I've lived for most of my life around strokes, epilepsy and physical disabilities) or to share details of your journey in becoming a carer.

To answer your original question, no, you will not be penalised by going onto means-tested benefits - give the Benefits Advice Line a call and speak with them - I did and they were very, very helpful.

All the best