Butti's Journey: A matter of loaf and death

Butti

Butti wrote: »

Have got home and feeling a bit calmer.
Have three rooms in the garage and effectively have one and a half to paint. Is definately do-able.

Heard a quote a while ago that really resonated with me and explained why my house is a little sanctuary. Apologies if I have already told you this;

'If home is where the hurt is, where is safe?' The need to keep myself safe is definately a re-occuring theme in my life. Wonder if that is EVER going to resolve itself.

elantan wrote: »

It will ... You just have to get that control back, and your working your butt off to do so, once the money gets sorted will you keep your father in your life ?

I don't see how my conscience will let me cut him off entirely but I'll probably get it down to a couple of times a year. He's also trying to wrestle control back and get me to pay him back completely ignoring the fact I can't until I've done something with the house.

beanielou

Well he cant have what you dont have Butti.
End of.

elantan

That's very unfair of him to do that to you, he does seem to enjoy the control, especially when you can't do anything to change it

Each to their own about getting people out of their lives, what works for one certainly doesn't work for all, I must admit I haven't regrets cutting my mother out of my life, I wa stressed there for a bit with my dad being ill but it certainly wasn't about him being ill or me going to see them, it was about the arguments that would ensue when I told them I wasn't coming down and not Interested

Do what's right for you Butti xxxx

Butti

beanielou wrote: »

Well he cant have what you dont have Butti.
End of.

I love you Beanie...you're so straight talking.

Butti

elantan wrote: »

That's very unfair of him to do that to you, he does seem to enjoy the control, especially when you can't do anything to change it

I wa stressed there for a bit with my dad being ill but it certainly wasn't about him being ill or me going to see them, it was about the arguments that would ensue when I told them I wasn't coming down and not Interested

Do what's right for you Butti xxxx

Thanks El.

What a weekend!
My brother aka. The peacemaker called round on Sunday to help me work on the house. He did about 4 jobs on the house on the proviso I rang my dad because 'he's worried about me'. So I did ring him and he wants me to call round soon to 'clear the air'.

The problem is (ignoring the money), I believe, my father appears to have had a childhood with a very negative and critical mother who (I am assuming based on repetitive behaviour theories) used to call him useless and stupid. He seems to need to win arguments and dominate in order to prove he isn't. This presumably has been going on his entire life.

So if I go round to clear the air how much do I say?
You like confrontation, I don't.
You like control of the situation, neither of us has control of when I pay you back, that is based upon someone moving into my house and me being able to pay you back. Applying pressure to me in this situation will not help it will just upset me.
I am not open with information with you because anything I say may be taken down in evidence and used against me in a future argument.
I would love to pay you back now so that I can see you about three times a year.
The bottom line is I'm in a horrible position owing him money and like a lot of insecure people I think he has tendancies towards being an aggressive bully.

Surely if you want to see someone regularly you don't put pressure on them in order to achieve something that is out of their control. Surely that makes them less likely to want to see you.

Anyway my brother very helpfully did jobs round the house. My friend came round who is 'taking' my spare bed and after telling me how knackered I looked asked if we could see if we could get the mattress in the back of the car. Three storey house? Effort required to carry mattress down to car, try and squeeze in car and then carry back up again?:eek:
Quite a lot as you ask!
He then said he would 'take it off my hands'. So it appeared Mrs Skint person was 'giving' the bed to a friend for nothing.
Bless him, I did send him a text later saying I was planning on selling it. So yesterday, when he came to collect, he gave me £30. This will pay for my meal out with the BSL girls on Wednesday.

I finished painting and sorting the garage at 12.30 this morning. I left for the drive down to work at 6am, having got up at 5. I am quite tired.

beanielou

No wonder you are tired :eek:
When will you hear about the exam?

elantan

Butti wrote: »

Thanks El.

What a weekend!
My brother aka. The peacemaker called round on Sunday to help me work on the house. He did about 4 jobs on the house on the proviso I rang my dad because 'he's worried about me'. So I did ring him and he wants me to call round soon to 'clear the air'.

The problem is (ignoring the money), I believe, my father appears to have had a childhood with a very negative and critical mother who (I am assuming based on repetitive behaviour theories) used to call him useless and stupid. He seems to need to win arguments and dominate in order to prove he isn't. This presumably has been going on his entire life.This may in deed be very true, but that does not give him the right to bully you... i remember my mother once saying to me when i asked her about the reason she abused me, her response was when i had a child i would understand, when i had a child i understood less, i dont understand how anyone could hurt someone they "love" to that extent, if you "love" someone you want the best for them all the time every time

So if I go round to clear the air how much do I say?
You like confrontation, I don't.
You like control of the situation, neither of us has control of when I pay you back, that is based upon someone moving into my house and me being able to pay you back. Applying pressure to me in this situation will not help it will just upset me.
I am not open with information with you because anything I say may be taken down in evidence and used against me in a future argument.
I would love to pay you back now so that I can see you about three times a year. I think that sounds fair, have you been protecting him from how you really feel ? does he know how his behaviours impact on you ?
The bottom line is I'm in a horrible position owing him money and like a lot of insecure people I think he has tendancies towards being an aggressive bully.Sadly you are and i truly hope that you can sell this house fast so that he can be paid off and therefore loose that control over you

Surely if you want to see someone regularly you don't put pressure on them in order to achieve something that is out of their control. Surely that makes them less likely to want to see you.Tell him this

Anyway my brother very helpfully did jobs round the house. My friend came round who is 'taking' my spare bed and after telling me how knackered I looked asked if we could see if we could get the mattress in the back of the car. Three storey house? Effort required to carry mattress down to car, try and squeeze in car and then carry back up again?:eek:
Quite a lot as you ask!
He then said he would 'take it off my hands'. So it appeared Mrs Skint person was 'giving' the bed to a friend for nothing.
Bless him, I did send him a text later saying I was planning on selling it. So yesterday, when he came to collect, he gave me £30. This will pay for my meal out with the BSL girls on Wednesday.At least that is something xxx

I finished painting and sorting the garage at 12.30 this morning. I left for the drive down to work at 6am, having got up at 5. I am quite tired.

Honey you must be exhausted, you have worked your wee butt off for the longest time now, if ever anyone deserved a break it is deff you

Butti

Thanks for this El. It's good to know I am making some sense. You've given me a bit of useful reinforcement there for when I get up there next weekend.

Couple viewing house tomorrow so fingers crossed.

Next weekend another couple are turning up to look at the Chest of Drawers (I'll try not to hold it against her that she doesn't know how to spell 'draws'!!!). Hopefully that will be another £20 for the emergency pot and another empty bedroom.

B x

Butti

Well didn't get very far with clearing the bedroom - honestly it does just look like I've been burgled :rotfl: I could put a photo up but it is pretty horrific.

The car is fairly appalling too - a week tomorrow since I've been back!

However I have had a fairly relaxing weekend. Seen my cousin (who has volunteered to store a couple of boxes for me), done some ironing so I don't have to wear my bikini at work this week, watched the tennis, repotted my tomatoes and pondered my next move once the house is gone.

Maybe I should go and look on the main site - really the procrastination is amazing! So (because I can't be bothered and I'm tired [still!] and you folks are amazing [STRIKE]still[/STRIKE] continuously!

• If you had enough money for a decent deposit, where would you put it where it would be safe and not too accessible (a few weeks notice!)?
• How important is it prior to the mortgage credit check to be on the electoral register? If I put myself on down here I think there is quite a high risk they will try and attach half a council tax bill to me despite the fact it is already included in my rent.

Right, better go and have another look at the express banking in HSBC. Queue of four people in there earlier, not exactly express!

B x

Butti

So.......
went to see the world's local bank and asked about getting my bank charges refunded. Had to endure a lecture about managing my money (it's like there's a queue of people waiting to lecture me!) from the bank found guilty of Money Laundering!

'This was only supposed to be a temporary measure' (before they decided they definately couldn't move my payment days because my HSBC card is not an HSBC card).

So 'how was I proposing to manage things better?'

'Well I plan to sell my house and pay my credit card off and then move my bank account elsewhere'.

Honesty is the Best Policy right?

I honestly can't believe she still refunded the charges, but there you go. Did ask me why I was planning to move banks? :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I believe I mentioned 'Bad taste in the mouth' 'every month'and 'why not check out other accounts'.

Well I'm still here and I'm still battling on, with a bit of help from my friends. Didn't actually need the bank charges refund but every little helps. Better in my wee bank account than in their VAST profits.

Hopefully the chest of drawers will go this weekend and that will be part of my drinking money for my August trip to London, plus it will leave me with two empty bedrooms.

In other rather good news someone from a local authority has been singing my praises at the national conference to my bosses. My boss told me last week that if I wanted to stay (???) there was probably a long career ahead of me with the company.