respecting her privacy or cold and callous?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If she'd be happy with some random woman in the supermarket being privy to her personal medical information, that's her choice, but I wouldn't want my health to be the subject of discussion with my ex's girlfriend's mother (which is the equivalent in reverse), and if it were to happen (which it wouldn't) that she were to become interested, I'd tell her to move on rather quickly.

Don't feel you should be fascinated with the minutiae of an unknown woman's life, that's what isn't normal, IMO.

purple.sarah

I think it's cold of your friend to call you uncaring at a difficult time for your family. Your partner's ex-wife's mother is pretty far removed from you and even further removed from your friend so it is understandable you wouldn't know all the details and your friend doesn't need to know anyway.

Errata

I suspect your friend's concern for the sick woman, your OH, and your attitude towards the situation is nothing more than sentimental claptrap on her part.

duchy

I'd take it as a warning not to discuss anything personal with this friend unless you want it discussed with all and sundry.

paddy's_mum

sharrison778 wrote: »

a friend ... thought my response was particularly cold and a little harsh

I think it's your friend who hasn't thought this through. An enquiry from you could go down like a lead balloon if it got to the ex-wife's ears in the 'wrong' way or at the 'wrong' time - and that's all to easy to do, however well intentioned the original comment. How many of us get the wrong end of the stick, particularly when we are already very worried and upset?

Him. Sharrison asked me when your Mum might be coming home from hospital ...

Her. What the hell is it to do with her?! You keep your floozy (sorry, OP - just for the sake of the story ) out of my life. It's bad enough that I have to hear the kids singing her praises without her poking her nose into my family's business any further ....

Your partner will no doubt tell you what you actually need to know if, as and when it arises. Perhaps your friend hasn't realised that some men find life easier when they keep distinct parts of it comletely separate, and that there is a basic courtesy towards both you and the ex-wife in that.

In your shoes, curiosity might provoke me to enquire as to the patient's progress but I can't see that keeping your nose out of your partner's former family affairs can be seen as cold/harsh. Some might see it as you being extremely polite and discreet.

I might be looking at the friendship a little more closely if any hint of hostility lay behind your friend's criticism.

clearingout

sharrison778 wrote: »

I dont think she was saying I should call the ex-wife's mother directly, just that I should be pestering my OH for specific details or updates.

Dont get me wrong, I understand dealing with a very sick family member is a horrible stressful situation and I am sympathetic. I just dont think the situation improves in any way by me fishing for all the gory details.

hmm....seems I see this differently to the majority. My dad died suddenly and horribly about 3 months after my ex had walked out on me (so there was an awful lot of 'emotion' to be dealing with anyway). He couldn't have cared less at what was an impossibly difficult time for me and my mum and went out of his way to cause problems (in the end, our children didn't attend their grandfather's funeral as a result of my ex's actions). What would have made a difference to me at that time would have been the ability to separate the personal from the practical and have him and his family and his friends go through the motions. For example, no one on his 'side' sent me or my mum a sympathy card which would be normal behaviour in these situations. I would have appreciated sympathetic noises from my ex and to have had him on stand by to help out whichever way I wanted or needed, without comment (and particularly without comment from the new partner who, in our case, played a major part in my ex's decision making) or judgement.

I don't think you have to fish for gory details to show your partner and his children that you care what is going on for them. But I do think you should care.

SandC

I think your friend was quite rude actually! What business is it of hers? It's one thing to ask the question - quite another to criticise you on the matter!

In your situation the only thing I would actively do is when I next see the children, ask them how their gran is. Simple as that.

So no you are not cold and callous, and your friend is probably one of those people who you see on Facebook giving out all the platitudes and sympathy for people they rarely know (if at all).

SandC

clearingout wrote: »

hmm....seems I see this differently to the majority. My dad died suddenly and horribly about 3 months after my ex had walked out on me (so there was an awful lot of 'emotion' to be dealing with anyway). He couldn't have cared less at what was an impossibly difficult time for me and my mum and went out of his way to cause problems (in the end, our children didn't attend their grandfather's funeral as a result of my ex's actions). What would have made a difference to me at that time would have been the ability to separate the personal from the practical and have him and his family and his friends go through the motions. For example, no one on his 'side' sent me or my mum a sympathy card which would be normal behaviour in these situations. I would have appreciated sympathetic noises from my ex and to have had him on stand by to help out whichever way I wanted or needed, without comment (and particularly without comment from the new partner who, in our case, played a major part in my ex's decision making) or judgement.

I don't think you have to fish for gory details to show your partner and his children that you care what is going on for them. But I do think you should care.

Your situation sounds awful .... but it's very different and yours is also about your ex and the OP is the partner of the 'ex' in question. Also, the first thing the children's dad did (and they are the important ones in this) is offer to have them - if that's not caring and showing willingness to help out the ex then I don't know what is.

hazyjo

I bet she's an ex wife herself and still feels bitter about being excluded from something... I have a friend who's rather righteous like that. Take no notice. Not up to her to tell you to have sympathy for someone who was once family. Am sure your husband would talk to you if he felt emotional over it - and if he didn't, it would be because he didn't want you - or himself - to feel awkward discussing 'ex-family'.

Jx

CH27

I think your friend was rude but in your position I would be asking my OH how she was & check that he had offered practical support whenever it was needed.
This lady is the children's grandmother & her illness is bound to be upsetting for them & they may need a bit more TLC when visiting.