respecting her privacy or cold and callous?

sharrison778

I was just chatting to a friend about a particular situation I am involved in and she thought my response was particularly cold and a little harsh so I'm wondering what others think.

On the weekend we (my partner and I) found out his ex-wife's mother had had a heart attack. The ex-wife was going to travel to another city (where her family are) so spend time with her mother.

My partner offered to take the kids (his kids) and look after them whilst the ex was dealing with this but she said no, she wanted to take them. obviously if she had said yes (or says yes in the next few days), it wont be a problem.

Today my friend asked me how the ex's mother was doing and I said I dont know. TBH it hadnt occured to me to ask. I assume my partner is getting updates via his kids. I've never met the ex-wife or had any interaction with her, so to me it seems odd to ask questions about her personal life and that its none of my business. If situations were reversed, I wouldnt want her asking questions about my family. And its not like I can do anything to help the situation, so if I did ask, I'd only be asking for my own interest, nothing more.

But my friend thought it was really cold that I, in her words, "dont care". What do others think?

xbrenx

It's very hard to care about someone you've never met, granted. However, your partner must care, whatever the relationship he had with his ex inlaws was like or even is like, he must have some sort of feelings regarding her heart attack. So by asking about her, it's him you're offering support to, not just being nosey.

IMO

sharrison778

My partner genuinely isnt fussed about these sorts of things. He's not uncaring, just very pragmatic.

He was the same when his mother was unwell, although he did go to see her. He just takes the view that he cant fix the situation so there is no point stressing over it.

I think his only real interest is whether its stressing out the kids, and thats very hard to judge from another city unfortunately.

But I do take your point.

Sambucus_Nigra

What do you think? Do you care?

And if you don't - what so bad about that?

Pollycat

I think your friend was wrong - and unnecessarily harsh on you.

I think it's not up to you to ask about your partner's ex MIL's health, it's up to him to tell you - if he wants to or thinks it's important you know.

floss2

TBH, if my kids volunteered information about my ex-in-laws' health, I would be polite and make the "right" noises, but I wouldn't go out of my way to ask how they are. My husband is unlikely to ask at all, as he has only met them on 2 occasions, the last being at my mum's funeral 6 years ago which was the last time I had any contact with them.

claire16c

I dont think youre being harsh. Although I think if it was me Id probably ask at some point out of curiosity or just generally wanting to know incase plans with the kids got changed etc.

KateLiana27

Your nosey friend has as much right to call up this stranger and enquire about her health as you do. You could accuse her of being uncaring.

Quite frankly, the last thing I'd want after a heart attack is having my ex-son-in-law's new woman who I'd never met calling me up - would probably bring on an another.

I'd care to some extent about anyone having a health problem or a hard time, even a complete stranger, but no, I don't think you *should* care any more than basic human empathy. Tell her politely to mind her own business.

sharrison778

I dont think she was saying I should call the ex-wife's mother directly, just that I should be pestering my OH for specific details or updates.

Dont get me wrong, I understand dealing with a very sick family member is a horrible stressful situation and I am sympathetic. I just dont think the situation improves in any way by me fishing for all the gory details.

Pollycat

sharrison778 wrote: »

I dont think she was saying I should call the ex-wife's mother directly, just that I should be pestering my OH for specific details or updates.

She sounds bloody nosy!
I bet she's a net curtain twitcher too. :rotfl:

sharrison778 wrote: »

Dont get me wrong, I understand dealing with a very sick family member is a horrible stressful situation and I am sympathetic. I just dont think the situation improves in any way by me fishing for all the gory details.

Exactly!

You should be there for the kids if they want to talk to you about it when they are staying with you.
And be a listening ear if your partner wants to tell you about the situation.

No more than that.

PasturesNew

I think it's up to the person with the greatest connection to do any asking. Their partner might encourage/nudge them to ask etc, but it's up to the one with the greatest connection, else it is odd/intrusive to take that lead.