A mother caring for its young - what does it evoke in you?

Alikay

I was lucky enough to have a good childhood, so have always regarded offspring being cared for by an attentive mother as normal, and pretty well the birthright of those children/cubs/chicks.

I took good care of my own children because that's what you do with little ones...OK, of course I loved them, but that wasn't the reason behind the high level of care. Any other children I look after get the same quality of care. Sometimes I love them, sometimes (in the case of a very short term placement) I don't.

I do think the act of giving and receiving personal care does build the bonds which lead to love, though. I've found that I tend to feel much more loving towards my foster children, and they seem more affectionate and trusting towards me when I've perhaps nursed them though a minor illness or comforted them after a traumatic event.

Yorkie1

meritaten wrote: »

I understand what you are saying londonsurrey. the good mother grooms them out of love - but some mothers groom out of 'showing people how brilliant a mother I am'. a child knows the difference.

Very true. Some mothers also groom out of a sense that only appearances matter (i.e. an untidy hairstyle letting her down)

meritaten

Yorkie1 wrote: »

Very true. Some mothers also groom out of a sense that only appearances matter (i.e. an untidy hairstyle letting her down)

Did you know my mother? I think one of the most often phrases I heard her say was 'What will the neighbours think'?

miss_independent

I don't have children yet, but I very much hope that one day, in the not too distant future, I will have children of my own and get to experience the love a mother feels for her child for myself. My mum and I are extremely close but I had a difficult upbringing, I was frequently hit and criticised and I believe I was emotionally abused but by someone who was abused herself and grew up in a family where affection is uncommon. I believe that I've helped her grow in love over the years and can see really she was unsure about being a good parent, had enough of her own issues and did the best she could given her unusually troubled past. I used to imagine all other parents were perfect. That other mums were waiting at the door wearing an apron and holding a tray of cupcakes, that they smelled of roses and called their children darling, that they always smiled and were never cross etc. But there is no such thing as the perfect parent. People don't suddenly become perfectly balanced, patient and saint like when they have children. Messed up people are just as likely to have children as those who have stable, happy pasts.

I have a strong maternal instinct, always have done to the point where I actually considered myself to be my own Mother's mum as a child! I love kids, I've worked with them since I left school and I'm good with them but it's not always easy. They can be frustrating, cheeky, demanding etc etc. From my experience, alot of people think when they have children they will suddenly develop an overwhelming, totally completing, perfect love for their child who will, of course, be instinctively well behaved, polite, adorable etc etc. We are all told about that rush of unconditional love. But lots of people I know didn't experience that and felt like failures. I think there is too much expectation that somehow when a baby arrives everything will magically become wonderful and parents will instinctively know how to parent. Society makes us feel like we SHOULD instinctively know what to do with our own children even when we might not know what to do with other children. How many times do you hear "It's different when it's your own."?

My best friend, in her single days would coo over babies in restaurants and look glassy eyed whenever she caught sight of one. When she met her partner she quickly became pregnant, completely intentionally. In her last trimester she became horrible, she transformed into a nasty person. I put up with her behaviour, putting it down to hormones. I was only very young myself at the time and was shocked when she spat out, "what if I don't love the baby?". I replied, "of course you will! You will be fine once it arrives." I thought she was mad, to be honest. She told me she wanted it to be a boy because she might be jealous of a girl. She worried her partner would love the baby more than her. I kept telling her it would be ok, that she just needed to see the baby and she would fall in love straight way. She kept saying, "What if I don't though? What do I do now? What have I done?". I was so shocked by this conversation, I asked my mum if it was normal to wonder if you would love your own child. She told me no, it was a bit weird to think things like that. The baby, a girl, arrived and, if I'm being honest, my best friend was quite detached with her. She did not enjoy being a mum and she struggled with the baby. She didn't feed her properly, didn't change her often enough and their was a bit of an "emptiness" there. She didn't gaze at the baby adoringly or express how thrilled she was. She moaned about being tied to the house, about her freedom being gone. Said, if people really knew the truth about babies no one would have one. She became a grumpy, miserable person who tried her best to cover things up but she did seem to resent her baby. She would be horrible to her, there just wasn't much of a bond. When somebody complimented the baby, she would say "do you think so?". It was only after two and a half years when her little girl started to become her own little person that she started to take to her. She now describes her as her best friend and boasts about her constantly. She is however, still very hard on her and plays mind games with her. She fails to recognise things that a naturally maternal or paternal person might. E.g. I witnessed her smacking her child for not answering her several times, other mothers saw this and were shocked. She shook her, saying "answer me!", at which point I intervened and said I thought she looked very pale and clammy. I asked when did she last eat something and discovered she hadn't had breakfast (it was now 1pm). I explained that maybe the child would be more responsive if she got some food into her. Sure enough, she became happy and talkative shorty after eating. My friend was a "normal" person who liked children and was affectionate before having children of her own. Her partner was the same but now says that having children was his biggest mistake.

Other friends and relatives of mine have confessed they don't feel as "completed" by parenthood as they thought they might. Another friend who is a very good mum has an 18 month old and is about to have baby number 2. She loves her child but misses adult company, progressing in her career etc and confesses to feeling an emptiness like she is somehow missing out. My brother is a good dad, his kids are his world but sometimes they drive him crazy and he is unhappy in his life. He feels tied to where he is because of his kids when he would rather move back to his hometown (in another country) now he has separated from my SIL. He makes the sacrifices for his kids but admits he wishes he could just do what would make him happy in himself.

I'm not saying there is ever a reason to be an abusive parent, it is despicable. But I do think there is too much of an expectation put upon people to feel that their children complete them and that they will know exactly how to be a good parent, that the rush of unconditional love they feel will somehow guide them to knowing exactly what to do with these little people they have created. It's a dirty secret that some people just don't feel that instant rush of love for their child. For some it may come three years down the line, for others it may not happen until their children grow up. My mum admits to me that she "couldn't take" to her first born, begging me not to tell my oldest brother. I don't think it's that uncommon and I don't think people should feel like a villain if they don't experience those, supposedly natural, parental instincts. There should be more support for parents like this so that they can realise they are doing the best they can and that it doesn't make them bad people.

Not saying that's what anyone on the thread is suggesting! Just trying to bring up some different views.

meritaten

miss_independent - I think that this is exactly what the people on here are discussing. only they are the CHILDREN of these parents. It's all very well to blithely say that some parents don't 'take' to thier kids until the kids are 3 or 6 or 16 or older - by then the damage is done. The children knew they werent loved or resented or even hated - and being children they usually blamed themselves as not being good enough. Some of these 'children' when adults, could see that the parents were 'inadequate' and could forgive that. some cannot - as their lives were irreperably blighted.

miss_independent

meritaten wrote: »

miss_independent - I think that this is exactly what the people on here are discussing. only they are the CHILDREN of these parents. It's all very well to blithely say that some parents don't 'take' to thier kids until the kids are 3 or 6 or 16 or older - by then the damage is done. The children knew they werent loved or resented or even hated - and being children they usually blamed themselves as not being good enough. Some of these 'children' when adults, could see that the parents were 'inadequate' and could forgive that. some cannot - as their lives were irreperably blighted.

I understand that, as I mentioned I had a difficult childhood which has definitely left its scars in me. Whilst I would fall in to the first category of yours as an adult child who has managed to forgive both my parents, I didn't mean to be "blithe" or in any way make someone with a similar background who has not been able to forgive feel like I was lacking empathy. If anything I was trying to point out that it is pretty common yet still a taboo subject and when I see it still happening now in my own generation, I wonder is it not high time that parents are able to seek help so their children don't end up having childhoods like us.

marywooyeah

funnythings wrote: »

(QUOTE)

i learn't from my parents mistakes. the pain and suffering i endured was awful.
having your childhood taken away from the people who should love are care for you feels unfair. but my children gave me some of that childhood back by enjoying there's

I spoilt my daughter with love and protection because of my childhood this can also do more harm than good.but i soon learn't not to do the same with my second child.

I completely agree with this - I know my son has a very happy childhood and if going through all that abuse means he has a good childhood for it I suppose it is a silver lining and I love seeing him so happy.

The second part of your post struck a chord with me - I spoil my son (partly because of what happened when I was growing up but also because I had a forced abortion when I was 19) and sometimes my husband has to say to me to stop buying him things or to lay off on the trips out as otherwise he will get used to it. Even if we were able to have another child (I have fertility problems now) I would only really do so to give him a sibling, not because I'd want another, he's completely everything to me and if I had another I wouldn't be able to share the love I have for him.

MiddyMum

My " mother " is narcisstic, and yes like your mother, she was constantly spouting off about how much she loved me, but treated me awful throughout the year.

I have a daughter of my own, and have made the decision to never have anymore. I love my daughter dearly, but since I never had any good parents or role models growing up, daily parenting has been one big struggle, I am always questioning myself and learning but I realise that having more children may be pushing it a bit far for me. I am definately not a " natural ".

When I see other mums with their daughters, it usually breaks my heart a little as I know I will never have that. I will have it with my daughter, but its not the same as you being able to experience that unconditional love so many people take for granted.