A mother caring for its young - what does it evoke in you?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A vague wondering what that felt like (to have a mum care and know it, not have a soggy flannel dragged across my face - although I remember my hair being dragged through with a metal brush angrily each morning, often getting bashed on the head with it if I yelled too loudly or being picked up by my hair, so having my hair straightened gently would be a novel sensation).

But I've been a crap mother due to not having a clue what I should do, so not setting boundaries effectively and being basically unable to parent confidently, so I try to avoid seeing such displays as much as possible.

Animals, however, I can respond to. It's probably quite telling that I would say to a female cat with her tiny kittens 'aren't you a clever girl' because she just knows what to do, whereas I didn't and felt completely stupid that I hadn't a clue.

londonsurrey

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Animals, however, I can respond to. It's probably quite telling that I would say to a female cat with her tiny kittens 'aren't you a clever girl' because she just knows what to do, whereas I didn't and felt completely stupid that I hadn't a clue.

If it helps, it's not just you. I've come across a screaming newborn kitten, and its mother was nearby, unbothered and a bit flummoxed. It probably wasn't what she was thinking, but it came across to me as the mother cat looking at the kitten and saying "There was pain, and then this happened!" The kitten was found a foster mum.

VfM4meplse

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

But I've been a crap mother due to not having a clue what I should do, so not setting boundaries effectively and being basically unable to parent confidently, so I try to avoid seeing such displays as much as possible.

Do you think so? Because you give excellent advice on MSE, esp wrt parenting issues!

londonsurrey

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

It doesn't evoke anything in me, sorry. I don't mean to spoil anything but in the case of animals it's not love, it's just instinct to clean their kittens and be protective over them. The instinct can be broken for various reasons and parent animals can abandon or even kill their cubs. Not too different to humans except humans are supposed to have the intelligence to do something more humane when they don't want their children.

I'm always up for cute pictures though
http://thelintscreen.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/cats-mom-kitten.jpg

That's fair enough, thank you. I don't think you're spoiling anything by describing your opinion.

funnythings

(QUOTE)But I've been a crap mother due to not having a clue what I should do, so not setting boundaries effectively and being basically unable to parent confidently,

your clue is the pain you felt and not to do the same to your own.

i learn't from my parents mistakes. the pain and suffering i endured was awful.
having your childhood taken away from the people who should love are care for you feels unfair. but my children gave me some of that childhood back by enjoying there's

I spoilt my daughter with love and protection because of my childhood this can also do more harm than good.but i soon learn't not to do the same with my second child.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Do you think so? Because you give excellent advice on MSE, esp wrt parenting issues!

Oh, thank you, that's lovely to hear.

But I'm not a good mum, I think I was always terrified when I got cross, I'd turn into Her. Both exes would tell me I was just like her as well, so that made me even more doubtful of my competence. Especially when I felt angry. Got a bit of repressed anger issues, I have. Bottle it up and up for months, years even, and then end relationships, friendships, jobs, that kind of thing.

In any case, both girls opted to live with their fathers. The youngest has absolutely zero contact with me, although her father is a narcissist too, so he probably has a lot to do with that.

If I'd been any good, a) I'd never have got involved with anybody like my mother and b) I'd have done things right, so they would have wanted a proper relationship with me.


Being kept away from people as a kid means that humans baffle me on a personal level. I'm far, far better with animals.

aliasojo

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

I don't mean to spoil anything but in the case of animals it's not love, it's just instinct to clean their kittens and be protective over them.

Actually research has proved that animals do experience feelings similar to what we humans call love.

mammyof7

To me this shows the mother- child bond perfectly. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm just so glad that she was found ok. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2174781/Shes-alive-Heart-wrenching-moment-Lynsie-Johnson-reunited-girl-vanished.html

meritaten

I understand what you are saying londonsurrey. the good mother grooms them out of love - but some mothers groom out of 'showing people how brilliant a mother I am'. a child knows the difference.

BitterAndTwisted

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

If I'd been any good:

a) I'd never have got involved with anybody like my mother

Not so. If your only experience of a relationship is X, then X is what is normal for you. And very possibly desirable. You make it sound like it was a conscious choice when it almost certainly was not. I can understand quite well how you would be drawn to your ex if he had a similar personality to your mother. I really don't think you're alone in that by any means.


b) I'd have done things right, so they would have wanted a proper relationship with me.

I think you're being far, far too hard on yourself. Parenthood never comes with a manual, and I'm sure lots of people just muddle along as best as they can in the only way they know how. One's own history is a terribly difficult thing to untangle, make sense of and then walk away from. I'm not even sure it's possible to do it on your own.