Hate doing this but need advice badly.

Mojisola

Hawthorn wrote: »

he is trying, but it seems to be really competitive at the moment - he hasn't even had a thanks, but no thanks reply yet.

I hope he has better luck soon.

It's hard to see your way out of a hole that seems to get bigger all the time but you will get support on here (and some stick, which you can ignore!).

Keep the end in sight - CM will stop. In the meantime, do all you can to trim your spending and work at keeping the emotions out of it - very hard to do, I know, but you're the only ones that will suffer from the stress. It won't impinge on the other family.

No victim of sexual assault would be asked to pay towards her attacker's living expenses but your daughter will be penalised financially because of the money you've got to find for her half-brother.

[Deleted User]

I don't know how old your children are but can you not get a part time job as your earnings won't be counted on CSA2. I appreciate you have anxiety issues but maybe having a job and something to take your mind off the problems at home might actually help? I have suffered depression and anxiety and had the most debilitating panic attacks, but I'm one of the rare breed that enjoys working, infact I love my job so even when I was depressed I begged the doctor not to sign me off cause I found the routine and distraction helpful.

Spamfree_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I hope he has better luck soon.

It's hard to see your way out of a hole that seems to get bigger all the time but you will get support on here (and some stick, which you can ignore!).

Keep the end in sight - CM will stop. In the meantime, do all you can to trim your spending and work at keeping the emotions out of it - very hard to do, I know, but you're the only ones that will suffer from the stress. It won't impinge on the other family.

No victim of sexual assault would be asked to pay towards her attacker's living expenses but your daughter will be penalised financially because of the money you've got to find for her half-brother.

It is the father (who isn't the father of the affected girl) who works and needs to pay child support for his child, not the girl affected. The daughter wouldn't be penalised financially if HER parent got a part time job.

My personal opinion is that this has all kicked off because the ex is peeved her ex is effectively keeping another woman's 4 kids and wants to pay £20 a week for hers. What has happened to the daughter is disgusting, but that won't negate the fact that the father should pay for his son.

Mojisola

Spamfree wrote: »

It is the father (who isn't the father of the affected girl) who works and needs to pay child support for his child, not the girl affected. The daughter wouldn't be penalised financially if HER parent got a part time job.

My personal opinion is that this has all kicked off because the ex is peeved her ex is effectively keeping another woman's 4 kids and wants to pay £20 a month for hers. What has happened to the daughter is disgusting, but that won't negate the fact that the father should pay for his son.

You're right and that's the law and they'll have to find the money but this is two "families", not mothers with children with non-resident BFs. Of course it will impinge on the daughter - and her siblings.

It sounds as if there is resentment on both sides which won't be doing anyone any good.

Spamfree_2

Mojisola wrote: »

You're right and that's the law and they'll have to find the money but this is two "families", not mothers with children with non-resident BFs. Of course it will impinge on the daughter - and her siblings.

It sounds as if there is resentment on both sides which won't be doing anyone any good.

I understand it is 2 families.

Of course it will impinge on the daughter, but why should someone who is keeping someone else's family think £20 a week is alright for his son?

The OP should look at getting a part time job herself so she can help support her kids, then she probably wouldn't feel so resentful about paying out for her oh's kid. (who could blame her after what the kid has done, but the attitude won't make life easier for ) anyone.

Hawthorn

Spam, I would love to get a part time job, and I totally agree with what you are saying.

To just put this into perspective a little bit, I had a huge triumph last week - I was able to leave the house, sit in the car and managed to get all the way to the shops before the panic hit in full force. By the time we got back from the shop, maybe ten minutes later, my legs were weak, I was dizzy from hyperventilating and I couldn't stop crying. I was exhausted after all of that had passed.

I feel next to useless sitting here, knowing we are struggling yet having this mental health issue to contend with. I don't see how I could find and hold even a part time job down with this the way it is. I doubt I could even make it to the interview.
I don't particularly like myself for the way things are at the moment but there you have it.

Thanks all.

Mojisola

Spamfree wrote: »

Of course it will impinge on the daughter, but why should someone who is keeping someone else's family think £20 a week is alright for his son?

Because, in this instance, he knows his son is growing up in a household with enough money to manage. His money is needed more by the other man's children. I can understand how he would want to put his money where the greatest need was.

[Deleted User]

Ok from someone who has been there what steps are you taking to overcome this illness? Are you on medication? Are you having counseling? Are you having any treatment like CBT? Do you have a mental health worker? Anxiety is a terrible illness but it can be beaten and sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will not sort it! I know, cause I've been there in the gutter angry that I have even woken up some days cause I just wanted to die!! But I have a child, I am a single Mum, I am all that child has got so I had to seek help, deal with my issues and sort myself out! Which i did! I'm still working part time earning a fairly good wage and I'm also doing a degree now! You can get through this honestly, I've been there, I've pushed my trolly round ASDA in floods of tears and puked in the car park on the way out. I've hidden in toilets, I've even collapsed on public transport, but please for the sake of your family find some fight!!!!! You can do this, tell yourself that!!!

Spamfree_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Because, in this instance, he knows his son is growing up in a household with enough money to manage. His money is needed more by the other man's children. I can understand how he would want to put his money where the greatest need was.

When his son grows up, he is not going to forgive his father for thinking he was only worth £20 a week, but someone else's kids were worth more. There is probably a lot of resentment in the kid and that might be why he's attacked the little girl. It in no way what so ever makes it right, but I bet he is one mighty peeved off kid.

Hawthorn

Spam, I hear what you are saying but I don't think that's the case. He was always very welcome, and really looked forward to coming to staying with us. He didn't seem like an angry kid then, which is why it all came as such a shock. Now of course, things are probably different.

Joannenotts - I've just finished a 12 weeks of counselling, a month or so ago.
CBT not at the moment, but is something I am interested in as I've heard it's really good for anxiety.
I quit cigarettes and caffeine, cleaned my diet up.
I am on medication. Antidepressants which help a little. I do have Diazepam, but I am really reluctant to go down that path. I have used it when things have been really awful though.

Things are better than they were.....I've had a bit of a backslide lately.
At my worst I felt like I was constantly struggling for breath, chest pains, stomach pains, dizziness. These whilst I'm indoors are happening once or twice daily now, and not as severe as they were. Outside it's a different matter.

May I ask how long it took you to get where you are now? I know it's going to take a long time to be fully right, but I applaud you for managing it.